All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
+
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
demo.
+
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
+
Anything not nailed down is mine.  Anything I can pry loose is not nailed
down.
+
Ask a silly person, get a silly answer
+
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.
+
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
+
Beware of Quantum ducks (Quark!Quark!Quark!)
+
Blessed are the inept for they will inherit the skies.
+
Blood is thicker than water--and much tastier
+
Born again virgin
+
Brute force, clumsiness, ignorance, and superstition will always
triumph over science, skill, knowledge, and logic.
+
Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
+
Computers were invented by Murphy.
+
Conform, go crazy, or become an artist
+
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
+
A desk is a wastebasket with drawers
+
Don't ask me-I just work here
+
Don't ask me--I'm making this up as I go along
+
Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep until noon
+
Do unto others before they do unto you
+
Due to a lack of trained trumpeteers, the end of the world has been
postponed indefinately.
+
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
+
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
+
Exceptions rule.
+
A fool and his guilt are soon parted.
+
God is real unless declared integer.
+
Grab them by the balls--the hearts and minds will follow.
+
Graduate of the Han Solo school of asteroid belt navigation.
+
Hell hath no fury like an unjustified assumption.
+
He who turns and runs away gets shot in the back.
+
I am not an alcoholic, I simply enjoy living in a liquid medium.
+
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving again.
+
Ideas "off the top of the head" are like dandruff--small and flaky
+
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
+
I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person
I preach to.
+
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than have a pre-frontal
labotomy.
+
I have not lost my mind--it's backed up on disk somewhere
+
I may be a craven little coward, but i'm a GREEDY craven little coward.
+
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
+
I think, therefore I am, I think?!
+
If a man writes a better book, preaches a better sermon, or beds a
better whore than his neighbor, though he builds his domicile deep in
the woods, the world will beat a path to his door to find out who the
better whore was.
+
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs,
the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
+
If God thought that nudity was O.K., we would have been born naked.
+
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
the page number.
+
If the first person who answers the phone cannot answer your question,
then its a bureaucracy.
+
If they give you ruled paper, write the other way.
+
I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.
+
I'm a hacker--I don't know the meaning of sleep.
+
I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished.
+
Immoral Majority Charter Member.
+
Indecision is the basis of flexibility.
+
In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot of people
angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
+
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
+
It's not a dungeon--it's a fortified underground defense installation.
+
It's what you can't see that can kill you.
+
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
+
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
+
Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
+
The less you bother me, the sooner you'll get results.
+
Let's split up.  We can do more damage that way.
+
Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is out of town.
+
Machines should work.  People should think.
+
A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
+
Moderation is for monks.
+
The moral majority is neither.
+
Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.
+
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
+
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
+
Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
+
Never let your studies interfere with your education.
+
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
+
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
+
No good deed goes unpunished.
+
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
+
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.
+
Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible.
+
Old mercenaries never die.  They just go to hell and regroup.
+
People in groups tend to agree on courses of action which as individuals,
they know are stupid.
+
Possessor of a mind not merely twisted but actually sprained.
+
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on the earth.
+
Reality is a hypothesis.
+
Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull over to the side
of the road.
+
Sin now -- Pray Later!
+
Smile--It makes people wonder what you're thinking.
+
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
+
There are very few personal problems which can't be solved by a
suitable application of high explosives.
+
There is a difference between an open mind and a hole in the head.
+
There is always free cheese in a mousetrap.
+
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instanly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizzare and
inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has
already happened.
+
There is no point in worrying about apathy when you can't care less.
+
Too many decisions are measured with a micrometer, marked with chalk,
and cut with an axe.
+
Two's company, three's the result.
+
Under the most carefully controlled conditions of temperature,density,
and pressure, the organism wil do what it damn well pleases.
+
Unicorns aren't mythical--virgins are!!
+
Virginity can be cured.
+
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
+
The way to a man's heart is with a broadsword.
+
What this world needs is a damn good plague.
+
When all else fails, read the instructions!
+
When the going gets wierd, the weird turn pro.
+
Who is more foolish, the fool, or he who follows the fool?
+
Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.
+
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to swim on his back,
you've got something.
+
You know better than to trust a strange computer.
+
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
+
She offered her honor.
He honored her offer.
And all night long it was honor and offer.
+
Scientists say the only things which will survive a nuclear war are rats
and cockroaches.  Therefore, if a war starts... 
GET YOUR ASS UNDER THE FRIDGE!
+
IBM Manual:          The following is a hertofore undocumented feature.
English Translation: It's a bug, it's our fault, and there isn't a damn
                     thing you can do about it.
+
Death to the fascist insects who suck the blood of the people!
+
When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
+
No experiment is ever a complete failure, in as much as a well-written
account of it can serve admirably as a bad example.
+
For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they
will like.
+
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
+
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was
human nature.
+
The plural of spouse is spice.
+
Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
+
The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
+
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known
as wheels.
+
Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
+
Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will
take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.
+
I am a computer.  As such I never have or will make a mistake
or error (I thought i did once, but I was wrong).
+
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
+
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law;
and every time they make a law it's a joke.
+
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
+
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
+
There is hardly a thing in the world that someone cannot make a little
worse and sell a little cheaper.
+
How often it is that the angry woman rages denial
of what her inner self is telling her.
+
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
I hope I don't get run over again.
+
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
+
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands,
and goes to work.
+
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
+
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
+
Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the machine,
or the person who operates it.
+
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is
done by children.
+
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
+
Somebody ought to cross ballpoint pens with coat hangers,
so that the pens will multiply instead of disappearing.
+
A person forgives only when she is in the wrong.
+
If a loafer is not a nuisance to you, it is a sign that you are
somewhat of a loafer yourself.
+
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
+
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
+
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist,
and too rich to be a communist.
+
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
+
Death:  to stop sinning suddenly.
+
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
+
About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in
favor of the plain people is the stork.
+
Liar:  One who tells an unpleasant truth.
+
Lisp:  To call a spade a thpade.
+
Modesty:  the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to
be aware of it.
+
Nothing succeeds like -- failure.
+
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get
up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.
+
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to
be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
+
A diplomat is a woman who always remembers a man's birthday but never
remembers his age.
+
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and
can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
+
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to
take you in.
+
It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything on earth to
worry about, she goes off and gets married.
+
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
+
Women were born to lie, and men to believe them.
+
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
+
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
+
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
+
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last..
+
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
+
Every man is wrong until he cries, and then he is right, instantly.
+
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
+
I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
+
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
+
Fidelity:  A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
+
Forgetfulness:  A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation
                for their destitution of conscience.
+
Lighthouse:  A tall building on the seashore in which the government
             maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
+
Philosopy:  unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
+
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a person of some sense to
know how to lie well.
+
She is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in
most words.
+
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
+
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for
one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
+
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
+
Acquaintance:  A person whom we know well enough to borrow from,
               but not well enough to lend to.
+
'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.
+
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
people to approach printed matter with distrust.
+
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible
worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
+
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of
the enemy.
+
My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change
him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
+
Older sister:  "Why are you wearing my new raincoat?"
Younger sister: "I didn't want to get your new dress wet."
+
Some people are discovered; others are found out.
+
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations
that can't bear inspection.
+
To laugh at persons of sense is the privilege of fools.
+
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
+
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
+
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
+
Dawn:
     The time when women of reason go to bed.  Certain old women prefer
to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an
empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with
pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe
years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of
their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find only robust
persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have
tried it.
+
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
+
Those who talk don't know.  Those who don't talk, know.
+
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
+
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
+
The universe is laughing behind your back.
+
You can call him an outdoor boy if he has the bloom of youth on his
cheeks and the cheeks of youth in his bloomers.
+
Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
telegram was sent from a wife to her husband: "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER
COME HOME AT ONCE."
+
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells awful.
+
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
+
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
+
To criticise the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to
criticise the competent.
+
Women seldom show dimples to boys who have pimples.
+
The Hebrew school teacher asked one of his students if she said prayers
before before meals.  The proud little girl answered, "Oh, not me.
I don't have to - my dad's a good cook."
+
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
+
The best prophet of the future is the past.
+
We took some pictures of the native boys, but they weren't developed.
+
Corrupt, adj.
     In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
+
Maybe I was holding all the aces, but what was the game?
+
Forenoon, n. The latter part of the night.  Vulgar.
+
To never see a fool, you lock yourself in an empty room and
break all the mirrors.
+
EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY.
+
A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely 
called a liberal.
+
Person, n.  An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what she 
  thinks she is as to overlook what she indubitably ought to be.  Her 
  chief occupation is extermination of other animals and her own species,
  which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
  the whole habitable earth and Canada.
+
Occident, n.  The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. 
  It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the
  Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
  they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are the
  principal industries of the Orient.
+
Politics, n. pl.
A means of livelihood affected by the more degraded portion of our
criminal classes.
+
Possession, n. The whole of the law.
+
Preposterous, adj.  The idea that murder is a crime.
+
Saint, n.  A dead sinner revised and edited.
+
Scriptures, n.  The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished
  from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
+
Your life has been cancelled. Please report to the nearest soul
reclamation center for recycling.
+
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
+
I hope someday a Pope chooses the name Shorty.
+
Disco - A large group of people sweating in nice clothes.
+
A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.
+
One nice thing about being dead is that you become eligible
to appear on stamps and currency.
+
If you subtract your pulse rate from your I.Q., you get your 
"blood-intelligence level."  This is the rate at which you decide
not to do something which might make you bleed.
+
If you subtract you sneaker size from the caliber of a bullet fired
at you, you will get the number of centimeters you can run before
being hit.
+
She was an earthly woman, so I treated her like dirt.
+
Lie: The program is bug free.
+
Digital circuits are made from analog parts. 
+
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? 
+
He who hesitates is last. 
+
Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder. 
+
A man's house is his hassle. 
+
Chaste makes waste. 
+
An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran. 
+
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. 
+
Neutrinos have bad breadth. 
+
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction. 
+
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. 
+
Friction is a drag. 
+
Biology grows on you. 
+
Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault. 
+
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? 
+
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 
+
Schizophrenia beats being alone. 
+
Battle Creek makes cereal terminals. 
+
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. 
+
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. 
+
He who laughs last didn't get the joke. 
+
Old musicians never die, they just decompose. 
+
Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic. 
+
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
+
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. 
+
Gravity brings me down. 
+
When you're up to your hips in alligators, 
You forget the original project was to drain the swamp. 
+
While money can't buy happiness, 
it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. 
+
The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up! 
+
Do married women make the best wives? 
+
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead. 
+
Drilling for oil is boring. 
+
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling. 
+
Teachers have class. 
+
Tennis players have fuzzy balls. 
+
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 
+
Mobius strippers never show you their back side. 
+
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax. 
+
On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise: 
          "Where no man has gone before" 
+
Programming Department:  Mistakes made while you wait. 
+
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; 
   Open it and you remove all doubt. 
+
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. 
+
Money is the root of all wealth. 
+
Men have many faults, 
Women only two: 
Everything they say, 
And everything they do! 
+
I'm all for computer dating, But I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. 
+
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane! 
+
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity -
the rest is overhead for the operating system. 
+
The bearing of a child takes nine months, 
no matter how many women are assigned to the project. 
+
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. 
+
If you see an onion ring 
     -answer it! 
+
In case of fire, 
   yell "FIRE!" 
+
Rubber bands have snappy endings! 
+
Every time I lose weight, 
      It finds me again! 
+
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. 
+
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. 
+
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. 
+
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. 
+
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. 
+
Microwaves frizz your heir. 
+
Neil Armstrong tripped. 
+
Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray. 
+
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. 
+
Heard on Noahs' ark:  Sailing is fun, 
       but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. 
+
Polymer physicists are into chains. 
+
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. 
+
There's no future in time travel. 
+
Confucious say too damn much! 
+
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist. 
+
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. 
+
Psychiatrists stay on your mind. 
+
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down. 
+
Part-time musicians are semiconductors. 
+
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. 
+
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, 
     if you don't use your thumbs. 
+
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career. 
+
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. 
+
He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool. 
+
A friend in need is a pest indeed. 
+
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. 
+
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages 
     will be known, far and wide, as a smart-ass. 
+
He who hesitates is constipated. 
+
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 
+
You can fool some of the people all of the time, 
     and all of the people some of the time, 
     but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. 
+
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. 
+
Astronauts are out to launch. 
+
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing. 
+
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that 
     money doesn't buy happiness. 
+
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations. 
+
Biology grows on you.
+
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
+
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
+
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
+
An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
+
You can tune a piano, but you can`t tuna fish.
+
What`s the most popular form of birth control?
 The headache.
+
Ancient Chinese Curse:
 May you live in interesting times.
+
This place is so weird that the cockroaches
  have moved next door.
+
Crittendon`s 14th application of Murphy`s First Law:
  You cannot successfully determine beforehand which
  side of the bread to butter.
+
Ginsberg`s Theorems:
  1) You can`t win.
  2) You can`t break even.
  3) You can`t even quit the game.
+
Weiler`s Law:
  Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn`t
  have to do it himself.
+
Chisolm`s Third Law, Corollary 3:
  Procedures designed to implement the purpose
  won`t quite work.
+
O`Toole`s Commentary on Murphy`s Laws:
  Murphy was an optimist.
+
Sevareid`s Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
+
Kitman`s Law:  Pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel.
+
Sattinger`s Law: It works better if you plug it in.
+
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
+
Zymurgy`s First Law of Evolving System Dynamics:
 Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan
 them is to use a larger can.
+
Bye`s First Law of Model Railroading:
  Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of
  faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers.
+
Don`s Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
+
First Law of Advice: The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired.
+
Third Law of Advice:   Simple advice is the best advice.
+
The Fourth Law of Computing: On a slow day, you can wait forever.
+
Sweer`s Impossibility Theorem:
   Nothing can be both completely general
   and internally consistent at the same time.
+
Murphy`s Seventh Law:
   Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
+
Murphy`s Eighth Law:
   If everything seems to be going well,
   you have obviously overlooked something.
+
Chisolm`s Third Law, Corollary 1:
   If you explain so clearly that no one can misunderstand,
   somebody will.
+
Chisolm`s Third Law, Corollary 2:
   If you do something which you are sure will meet with
   everyone`s approval, somebody won`t like it.
+
Crane`s Law:
   There ain`t no such thing as a free lunch.
+
Jones` Motto:
   Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
+
Gumperson`s Law:
   The probability of anything happening is inversely
   proportional to its desirability.
+
The usefulness of a meeting is inversely proportional
to its attendance.
+
Parkinson`s Second Law:
   Expenditures rise to meet income.
+
Finagle`s Fourth Law:
   Once a job is messed up,
   anything done to improve it makes it worse.
+
Always draw your curves then plot the readings.
+
Experiments should be reproducable,
  - they should all fail in the same way.
+
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
+
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
+
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
+
Cheops` Law:
  Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
+
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete
  than expected; carefully planned projects only twice as long.
+
Wynne`s Law:
  Negative slack tends to increase.
+
Boren`s Law:
  When in doubt, mumble.
+
Q`s Law:
  No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a project,
  the cost of the remainder of the project remains constant.
+
Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying.
+
The six steps in a project:
  1) Unbounded enthusiasm
  2) Total disillusionment
  3) PANIC!!
  4) Frantic search for the guilty
  5) Punishment of the innocent
  6) Promotion of the uninvolved.
+
Two wrongs do not make a right:
  it usually takes three or more.
+
A lie in time saves nine.
+
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
+
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
+
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
+
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
+
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
you can always take something for it.
+
Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics.
+
Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you
but not in the one ahead of you.
+
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
+
It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly
concerned about.
+
Why can't lifes's big problems come when
we are twenty and know everything ?
+
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that
that is the impression you will make.
+
When you save for a long time to buy something,
then you find that you can't afford it - that's inflation.
+
Kleptomaniac:  A rich thief.
+
Labour: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
+
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
+
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
+
Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
+
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
+
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they
are in the market.
+
November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
+
Pig:  An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in
scope, for it balks at pig.
+
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
+
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
+
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
        1)  The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
            straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
            force is technically termed "car suck").
        2)  Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
            than "Watch this!"
+
Frisbeetarianism  Th belie tha whe yo die you sou goe u th o
roo an get stuck.
+
Hofstadter's Law:
     It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 
Hofstadter's Law into account.
+
Main's Law:
     For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
+
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
+
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
        It's on the other side.
+
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
        1)  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
            check.
        2)  A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
        3)  There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
            attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
            attracted to dark objects.
+
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
larger object.
+
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
+
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
+
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
+
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
+
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
+
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
+
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
+
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
how many?
+
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
+
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
+
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
+
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
+
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
+
In the days of old,
When Knights were bold,
And women were too cautious;
+
Oh, those gallant days,
When women were women,
And men were really obnoxious...
+
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
+
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
+
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
+
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
+
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
+
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
+
HE:  Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
+
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
+
Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, 
         pulls coins out of one's pockets.
+
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
+
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
develop.
+
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
+
Every solution breeds new problems.
+
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are 
so ingenious.
+
Boling's postulate:
        If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
+
Anytime things appear to be going better,
you have overlooked something.
+
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand,
somebody will.
+
Scott's first Law:
        No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
+
Finagle's second Law:
        No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
        someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
        believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
+
Finagle's third Law:
        In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
        beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
+
Corollaries:
        1.  Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
        2.  The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
            don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
+
Finagle's fourth Law:
        Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
        makes it worse.
+
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
+
Simon's Law:
        Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
+
Ginsberg's Theorem:
        1.  You can't win.
        2.  You can't break even.
        3.  You can't even quit the game.
+
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
+
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
        Negative expectations yield negative results.
        Positive expectations yield negative results.
+
Howe's Law:
        Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
+
Sturgeon's Law:
        90% of everything is crud.
+
Brook's Law:
        Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
+
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
        Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
        vividly manifests their lack of progress.
+
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
        There's always one more bug.
+
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
        You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
        bread to butter.
+
Law of Selective Gravity:
        An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
+
Jenning's Corollary:
        The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
        directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
+
Paul's Law:
        You can't fall off the floor.
+
Johnson's First Law:
        When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
        most inconvenient possible time.
+
Watson's Law:
        The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
        number and significance of any persons watching it.
+
Sattinger's Law:
        It works better if you plug it in.
+
Lowery's Law:
        If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
+
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
        Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
+
Cahn's Axiom:
        When all else fails, read the instructions.
+
Jenkinson's Law:
        It won't work.
+
Murphy's Law of Research:
        Enough research will tend to support your theory.
+
Maier's Law:
        If the facts do not conform to the theory,
        they must be disposed of.
+
Corollaries:
        1.  The bigger the theory, the better.
        2.  The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
            50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
            obtain a correspondence with the theory.
+
Williams and Holland's Law:
        If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by 
        statistical methods.
+
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
        Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
        out.
+
Brooke's Law:
        Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
        discovers something which either abolishes the system or
        expands it beyond recognition.
+
Meskimen's Law:
        There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
        do it over.
+
Heller's Law:
        The first myth of management is that it exists.
+
Johnson's Corollary:
        Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
        organization.
+
Peter's Law of Substitution:
        Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
        themselves.
+
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
        The number of people in any working group tends to increase
        regardless of the amount of work to be done.
+
Parkinson's Fifth Law:
        If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
        bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
+
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
        People are always available for work in the past tense.
+
Iron Law of Distribution:
        Them that has, gets.
+
H. L. Mencken's Law:
        Those who can -- do.
        Those who can't -- teach.
+
Martin's Extension:
        Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
+
Rule of Feline Frustration:
        When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
        content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
        bathroom.
+
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
removed.
+
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
+
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
+
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
+
First Law of Bicycling:
        No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
+
Boob's Law:
        You always find something in the last place you look.
+
Law of Communications:
        The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
        between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
        area of misunderstanding.
+
Harris's Lament:
        All the good ones are taken.
+
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
+
Putt's Law:
        Technology is dominated by two types of people:
            Those who understand what they do not manage.
            Those who manage what they do not understand.
+
First Law of Procrastination:
        Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
        for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
        imposed the deadline).
+
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
        Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
        there is nothing important to do.
+
Swipple's Rule of Order:
        He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
+
Wiker's Law:
        Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
+
Gray's Law of Programming:
        'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
        time as 'n' tasks.
+
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
        'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
+
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
        The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
        the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
        percent.
+
Weinberg's First Law:
        Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
+
Paul's Law:
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
+
Malek's Law:
        Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
+
Weinberg's Principle:
        An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
        sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
+
Barth's Distinction:
        There are two types of people:  those who divide people into
        two types, and those who don't.
+
Weiler's Law:
        Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
        himself.
+
Beifeld's Principle:
        The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
        receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
        he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
        a better looking and richer male friend.
+
Hartley's Second Law:
        Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
+
Pardo's First Postulate:
        Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
+
Arnold's Addendum:
        Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
        rats.
+
Parker's Law:
        Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
+
Katz' Law:
        Man and nations will act rationally when all other
        possibilities have been exhausted.
+
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
        The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
        population is growing.
+
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
        Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
        another drink.
+
The Kennedy Constant:
        Don't get mad -- get even.
+
Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
        It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
+
Supplement:
        A .44 magnum beats four aces.
+
Your availability is your greatest asset.
+
Jone's Motto:
        Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
+
The Fifth Rule:
        You have taken yourself too seriously.
+
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
        No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
        legislature is in session.
+
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
        Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
        time he will pick himself up and continue on.
+
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
        A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
+
ROMEO:    Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
          door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
+
"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
+
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
wants to read.
+
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you.  This is the principal difference between a dog
and a man.
+
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
+
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
+
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
because we are not the person involved"
+
"...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
+
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I
didn't know.
+
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
+
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
+
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
        All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
+
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
        The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
        cork makes when it is popped.
+
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
        The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
+
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
        Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
        is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
        can never hope to acquire it.
+
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
+
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
+
The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
        Were each of them once a kiddie.
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
        Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!
+
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.
+
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
+
The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
lists of "Ten Best".
+
We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
we will cry over things we used to laugh &
our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
in the end a summer with wild winds &
new friends will be.
+
This is for all ill-treated fellows
        Unborn and unbegot,
For them to read when they're in trouble
        And I am not.
+
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
out, and such as are out wish to get in?
+
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,
a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to
the contrary, nohow.
+
Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
  Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can.
Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
+
"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)"
                -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
                   (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
                   [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
                   misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
+
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
+
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
+
"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
+
Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
+
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
        1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
        2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
        3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
            first two laws.
+
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
        Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
        equipment ruined.
+
Boren's Laws:
        1)  When in charge, ponder.
        2)  When in trouble, delegate.
        3)  When in doubt, mumble.
+
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
        When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
+
Rudin's Law:
        If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
        do it every time.
+
Bucy's Law:
        Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
+
Hacker's Law:
        The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
        a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
+
Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate how.
+
Vail's Second Axiom:
        The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
        amount of work already completed.
+
"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
the only ashtray."
+
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
        He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
        Must be a pacifist.
+
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
+
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
+
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
+
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people.
+
Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly
thrust into somebody's pocket.
+
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.
+
Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
by leaving it out.
+
Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.
+
I like work...
I can sit and watch it for hours.
+
Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
+
"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
we could with both of them."
+
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
+
Keep you Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now...try to get something DONE!
+
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
+
Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
might be taught to talk.
+
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday...
+
Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by
Jackasses.
+
Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.
+
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he
          says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
          will be right.
+
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven't what they want that they don't want it.
+
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
+
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.
I believe everything positively stinks.
+
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
face.
+
Recieving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
+
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
showed that all had these things in common:
        1)  They all had moderate appetites.
        2)  They all came from middle class homes
        3)  All but two of them were dead.
+
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
+
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
but it's very funny--
        Did you ever try buying them without money?
+
Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
a tempest of words.
+
Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
+
"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
+
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
        Divided by seven,
        Plus five time eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
+
Clothes maketh the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on
society.
+
We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
+
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
+
"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
keys..."
+
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints...
So far, I've had no complaints.
+
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
+
        FIGHTING WORDS
Say my love is easy had,
    Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad --
    Still behold me at your side.
+
Say I'm neither brave nor young,
    Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue --
    Still you have my heart to wear.
+
But say my verses do not scan,
    And I get me another man!
+
        COMMENT
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
+
        INVENTORY
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
+
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
+
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
+
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
+
The Abrams' Principle:
        The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
+
"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces..."
+
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
+
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
+
He who Laughs, Lasts.
+
Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
+
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.
+
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
+
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
+
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
+
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
+
Famous last words:
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
+
Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
opinion.
+
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
+
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
+
Adore: To venerate expectantly.
+
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
separately plunder a third.
+
Alone: In bad company.
+
Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
+
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
+
Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
        slippery.
+
Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.
+
Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather
we are having.
+
Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men -- they honored so the dame --
Upon some stars bestowed her name.
+
But to our modern married fair,
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.
+
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
+
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
+
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
+
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
from the cares of office.
+
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
a man's head.
+
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
+
Critic: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
to please him.
+
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
+
Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side
it is buttered on.
+
Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
+
A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free --
The subject engaging them was she.
"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
"To hear my character lied about!"
+
Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
+
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
+
Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
stockings and desolating the country.
+
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
of another.
+
Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
+
Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
expound your own.
+
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
+
Hippogriff:
An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.  
The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which is 
two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is full of 
surprises.
+
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy...
+
Please ignore previous fortune.
+
Impartial: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
conflicting opinions.
+
Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
+
Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
+
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
+
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
+
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
+
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
+
gy-ro-scope: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and
also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
mutually perpindicular axes results from application of torque to the
other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
+
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
+
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
+
United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the
Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
all the military forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of
all the patriots of every persuasion.
+
Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
world.
+
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
+
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
+
Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
+
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
+
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
+
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.
The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs,
for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats,
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
+
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.
+
Did you know...
That no-one ever reads these things?
+
Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens
+
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
+
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
+
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.
+
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!
+
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
problem.
+
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
Americans call him by value.
+
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
+
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.
+
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
+
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
+
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
+
Those who can't write, write manuals.
+
Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!  Just type
in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:
+
Name    #
+
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
+
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
+
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
+
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
take a bath...
+
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
eyes..."
+
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to,
the more he loves the flag.
+
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
+
SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
+
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
+
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
+
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
        (Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
+
The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz
said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
      "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
      "How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
+
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people.
+
There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
+
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
+
Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
+
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
+
Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for 
traffic tickets.
+
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
+
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
+
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
+
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
+
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
+
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.
+
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
+
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
+
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
+
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
+
You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
+
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
+
Don't feed the bats tonight.
+
Stay away from flying saucers today.
+
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
+
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
+
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
+
Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
+
Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
+
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
+
Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
+
Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
+
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
+
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
+
Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
+
Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
+
Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
+
You can create your own opportunities this week.
Blackmail a senior executive.
+
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
+
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
+
Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer
crashes.
+
Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
+
Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
+
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
tomorrow!
+
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
+
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough
to worry.
+
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
+
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
+
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
+
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
+
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
+
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
of another.
+
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
+
Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
+
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
+
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
+
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
+
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
+
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
talked about.
+
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
+
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
+
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
+
Wasting time is an important part of living.
+
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.
+
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
life.
+
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
+
Excellent time to become a missing person.
+
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
+
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
+
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
+
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
+
Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
+
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
+
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
+
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
+
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
+
Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
+
Avoid reality at all costs.
+
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
+
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
+
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
+
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
+
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
+
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
+
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
+
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
+
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
+
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
+
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
+
Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
+
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
+
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.
+
Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
+
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
+
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
+
Condense soup, not books!
+
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
+
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersy.
+
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
+
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
+
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
+
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
+
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
+
Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
+
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
+
Hire the morally handicapped.
+
I can resist anything but temptation.
+
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
+
Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
+
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
+
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
+
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
        Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
+
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
+
"All flesh is grass"
    -- Isiah
Smoke a friend today.
+
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
+
George Orwell was an optimist.
+
Chicken Little was right.
+
"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
+
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
+
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
+
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
+
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
+
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
+
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
once.
+
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
hands.
+
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
+
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
+
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
+
A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
+
Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
+
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
+
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
+
"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
+
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
+
Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
+
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
+
Down with categorical imperative!
+
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
+
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
+
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
+
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
+
Lysistrata had a good idea.
+
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
+
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
+
Familiarity breeds attempt
+
Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
bomb.
+
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
+
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
+
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
+
Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
+
Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
+
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
+
God is a polythiest
+
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
+
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
+
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
                             asked the father of his little son.
"Diet."
+
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
+
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
+
"Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
+
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
to work.
+
"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
+
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters' picnic.
+
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
+
Happiness is egg-shaped.
+
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
+
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!"
+
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
+
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
+
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
        When told this was so,
        He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into 
        that last line that I can."
+
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
        But the good ones I've seen
        So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
+
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
+
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
+
God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
+
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
+
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again.
+
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the Mobius strip;
        The strip revolved,
        The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
+
...And malt does more than Milton can
to justify God's ways to man
+
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
+
        Oh, dear, where can the matter be
        When it's converted to energy?
        There is a slight loss of parity.
        Johnny's so long at the fair.
+
PLUNDERER'S THEME
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
+
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
+
IBM had a PL/I,
Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
It was a total loss.
+
System/3!  System/3!
See how it runs!  See how it runs!
Its monitor loses so totally!
It runs all its programs in RPG!
It's made by our favorite monopoly!
System/3!
+
As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Project MAC?
+
Reclaimer, spare that tree!
Take not a single bit!
It used to point to me,
Now I'm protecting it.
It was the reader's CONS
That made it, paired by dot;
Now, GC, for the nonce,
Thou shalt reclaim it not.
+
'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
All mimsy was the CS-VAX
And Cory raths outgrave.
+
"Beware the software rot, my son!
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"
+
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied:  "You see, wire
telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New
York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
+
THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
        The one who has the gold makes the rules.
+
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
+
"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
information in the first place."
+
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
+
Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
body is better.
+
Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
+
Accuracy: The vice of being right
+
"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing."
+
Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
+
Adult: One old enough to know better.
+
Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper
+
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
+
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
the morning.
+
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.
+
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
+
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
+
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
+
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.
+
Ass: The masculine of "lass".
+
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
pedestrians.
+
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
+
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
out of a divorce.
+
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
+
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
+
Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
+
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
+
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
+
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
+
Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
+
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
tobacco in between.
+
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
+
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
elsewhere."
+
Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
that the other fellow can spell.
+
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,
legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
loss to humanity.
+
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
+
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his
breath is called the listener.
+
"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
Corner, Vermont."
+
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
eat.
+
Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
+
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
+
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
+
Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
+
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
+
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
fur coat.
+
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
+
Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
+
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
+
"It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
hour!"
+
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
+
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
+
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
+
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
+
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented
The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
+
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
+
Silverman's Law:
        If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
+
Hindsight is an exact science.
+
Ducharme's Precept:
        Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
+
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
+
Naeser's Law:
        You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
        damnfoolproof.
+
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If
the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the
bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
exceed all expectations.
+
The Third Law of Photography:
        If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
        when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
        the dark leaks out.
+
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
        If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
        it wasn't worth doing.
+
Conway's Law:
        In any organization there will always be one person who knows
        what is going on.
        This person must be fired.
+
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
+
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
+
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
doing.
+
DeVries' Dilemma:
        If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
        hits the paper.
+
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
+
Finagle's Creed:
        Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
+
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
        1.  If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
            once.
        2.  If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
            points.
+
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
        Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
        reject the proposal.
+
Jones' First Law:
        Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
        endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
        obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
        importance of their original contribution.
+
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
        Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
        handle.
+
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
modify the problem, not the remedy.
+
Horngren's Observation:
        Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
+
First Rule of History:
        History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
        other.
+
Hanlon's Razor:
        Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
        stupidity.
+
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
        The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
        instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
+
Corollary:
        Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
        except study for that instructor's course.
+
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
        If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
+
Corollary:
        If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
        live.
+
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
+
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
+
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
+
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
        If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
        $19.95.
+
Van Roy's Law:
        An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
+
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
on.
+
Arthur's Laws of Love:
        1.  People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
            remind them of someone else.
        2.  The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
            be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
            of yourself in person.
+
Colvard's Logical Premises:
        All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or
        it won't.
+
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
        This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
        attracted to.
+
Grelb's Commentary
        Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
+
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
        Superiority is recessive.
+
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
+
Ducharm's Axiom:
        If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
        yourself as part of the problem.
+
A Law of Computer Programming:
        Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
        will find the programmers cannot write in English.
+
Turnaucka's Law:
        The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
        electrical cord.
+
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
+
Bradley's Bromide:
        If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
        committee -- that will do them in.
+
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
the computer.
+
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But
this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
+
Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
+
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
+
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
+
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
+
The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because
it isn't here.
+
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
+
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
+
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
+
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
+
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.
+
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
+
Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
indigestion.
+
Justice: A decision in your favor.
+
Kin: An affliction of the blood
+
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
to date.
+
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labour-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
+
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
+
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
+
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
+
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
+
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of
+
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune."
+
Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
+
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
+
BLISS is ignorance
+
The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
        To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
        program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
        one, and convert to the next higher units.
+
Predestination was doomed from the start.
+
Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together...
+
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
+
Love is sentimental measles.
+
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
+
I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away.
+
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
headed.
+
"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us
sane."
+
"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
make the rubble bounce"
+
But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.
+
Famous last words:
        1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
        2) "You and what army?"
        3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
            a cop."
+
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
        Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
        in kernel as it is in user!
+
        PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your associates and
people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack confidence and
you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible things to small
animals.
+
        ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are not very
nice.
+
        TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination and
work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
You are a Communist.
+
        GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because you
are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for committing
incest.
+
        CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.  They
think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.  That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare recipients are
Cancer people.
+
        LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are pushy.  Most
Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike honest criticism.
Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieves.
+
        VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.
+
        LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.  If
you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for employment
and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women are prostitutes.
All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
+
        SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.  Most Scorpio
people are murdered.
+
        SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks or dope fiends or both.  People laugh at you a great deal.
+
        CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do much of
anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.
+
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
   San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
+
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
+
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
+
        A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
about whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their
arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
incredible surgical feat."
        The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the
Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
that, the Garden and the world were created.  So God must have been an
architect."
        The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
+
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.
+
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
+
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
+
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
+
The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is said
to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of his
decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
+
Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng.
130 midterm.  Once again a student did not receive a single point on
his exam.  Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter.  Newell's
earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
+
"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
+
Laetrile is the pits
+
Got Mole problems?
Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
+
There's no future in time travel
+
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
+
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
+
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
+
"Really ??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
+
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check
three friends.  If they're ok, you're it.
+
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design.  Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.  Rather, if the
driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
what's wrong."
+
Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from
FROBNITZ.  Usually abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to
frob a frob".  See TWEAK and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
sometimes connote points along a continuum.  FROB connotes aimless
manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning.  If someone is
turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
+
USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
+
Worst Month of the Year: February.  February has only 28 days in it,
which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three
full days you don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
+
Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout.  This is also the
worst vegetable of next year.
+
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.  Simply remove all the
little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will
now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black.
According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
+
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August.  The lines are the
shortest, though.
+
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
        But she started absorbin'
        A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
+
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
+
Computer programmers do it byte by byte
+
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
+
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
+
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
+
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
+
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
+
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
Californians trying to share the experience.
+
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
+
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
have poured on a waffle.
+
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
+
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
+
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
+
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
+
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I
hope I don't get run over again.
+
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
+
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
+
Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
their destitution of conscience.
+
Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
himself from the sphere of exaction.
+
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
+
"In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian."
+
President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
+
Absent: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
slandered.
+
Brain, v.: [as in "to brain"] To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to
dispel a source of error in an opponent.
+
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
+
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
        But this output can be
        No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
+
Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
+
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
+
It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
+
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
+
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
+
There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
+
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
+
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
+
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
ends.
+
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is not being talked about.
+
The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was very odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
+
It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
+
Whats the difference between death & sex?
With death, you can do it on your own and not get laughed at.
+
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
+
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
+
43rd Law of Computing:
        Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
+
                      THE STORY OF CREATION
                               or
                         THE MYTH OF URK
+
In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and null,
and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
was moving over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there be
registers"; and there were registers.  And DEC saw that they carried;
and DEC separated the data from the instructions.  DEC called the data
Stack, and the instructions they called Code.  And there was evening
and there was morning, one interrupt...
+
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
+
FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....
+
Only God can make random selections.
+
Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
bogglingly big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
+
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
        They usually have virgins,
        And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
+
Kinkler's First Law:
        Responsibility always exceeds authority.
+
Kinkler's Second Law:
        All the easy problems have been solved.
+
"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
+
"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
+
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
+
University: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
fix it, and ...
+
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll fix it in software."
+
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."
+
How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."
+
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
+
Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
miss.
+
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
+
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.
+
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.
+
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
+
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
+
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
+
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
+
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
+
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
enough cheese
+
Whether you can hear it or not
The Universe is laughing behind your back
+
Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
+
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
+
Chicken Soup:  An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of
aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken
soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
+
Gay shlafen:  Yiddish for "go to sleep".
+
"God gives burdens; also shoulders"
+
Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
at the end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish
saying; I can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth
though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
+
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
create goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy
retail."
+
"I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"
+
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to
have nothing whatever to do with it.
+
Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
+
Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him.
+
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
+
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
+
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
+
Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time.
+
Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written
and another for which it wasn't.
+
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him.
+
Optimization hinders evolution.
+
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not
worth knowing.
+
Everyone can be taught to sculpt:  Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how NOT to.  So it is with the great programmers.
+
Re graphics:  A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to
describe the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
described with pictures.
+
There are two ways to write error-free programs.
Only the third one works.
+
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
variable."
+
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
+
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may 
revitalize the corner saloon.
+
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing
of interest is easy.
+
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
+
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice 
versa.
+
In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
programming languages.
+
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only we
can't control when the five year period will begin.
+
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant
to be discarded:  That the whole point is to always see it as a soap 
bubble?
+
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
in God.
+
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
+
Dealing with failure is easy:  Work hard to improve.  Success is also easy
to handle:  You've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to improve.
+
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
+
Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
+
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office
automation?
+
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
+
Be different: conform.
+
Save energy: be apathetic.
+
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
+
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
+
Q: How long does it take?
A: It's indeterminate.  It will depend upon how many flats they've
brought with them.
+
Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A: They replace your generator.
+
"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
+
"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
lightly greased."
+
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
+
"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
+
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
+
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
        Support your right to bare arms!
+
They also surf who only stand on waves.
+
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
+
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
+
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
the continuing viability of Fortran.
+
A Lisp programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
+
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
+
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
self-critical?
+
"Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any
bazingas' until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.'  Once
punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing
bazingas, and such."
+
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
+
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
+
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
invent it.
+
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
+
The superfluous is very necessary.
+
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
+
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
+
Oh don't the days seem lank and long
     When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
     With nothing whatever to grumble at!
+
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
+
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
+
It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
+
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
+
The rain it raineth on the just
    And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
    The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
+
The world's as ugly as sin,
And almost as delightful
+
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
+
Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
them on the head.
+
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
+
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has
already happened.
+
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
and wrong.
+
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
+
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
+
My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
sending mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right
through my ALU.  I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
listens.  I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
log out again.
+
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
+
"Grub first, then ethics."
+
"I drink to make other people interesting."
+
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
+
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
more important to do.
+
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
+
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
+
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.
+
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
+
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
+
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
least until we've finished building it.
+
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
+
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
+
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
+
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
+
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
+
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about.
+
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.
+
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
+
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
+
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
+
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
+
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
important thing to people.
+
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
+
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
+
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
down.
+
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
+
I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
+
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
+
+
Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still
be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
+
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
+
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
+
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
+
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
+
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.
+
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
+
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
doubt.
+
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
+
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
+
                AMAZING BUT TRUE...
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
+
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job.
+
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
+
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
+
SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
+
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
+
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
discotheques.
+
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
+
The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
world put together.
+
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
+
Flon's Law:
        There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
        the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
+
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
+
"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
that would be clearly understood."
+
This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
to go.
+
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
+
"Earth is a great funhouse without the fun."
+
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
+
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
+
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
+
THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
+
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
+
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
+
SEMINARS:  From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
+
POLITICIAN:  From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete'
("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
CALIFORNIA:  From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English
'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual
intercourse" or "fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land
of hot sex."
ETYMOLOGY:  Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations
that were hard for the public to believe.  The term 'etymology' was
formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), and
'logy' ("study of").  It meant  "the study of things that are hard to
swallow."
+
                Another Glitch in the Call
                ------- ------ -- --- ----
        (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
+
We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?
+
        Hey!  Hacker!  Leave those lists alone!
+
Chorus:
        All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
        All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
+
Armadillo: to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
+
Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
+
"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
+
Bumper sticker:
+
"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
manufacture"
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
+
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea...
+
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
that so many people from point B are so keen to get THERE.  They often
wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
they wanted to be.
+
Serocki's Stricture:
        Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
+
Virtue is its own punishment.
+
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
+
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
+
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
respect their good judgement.
+
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
+
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
probably parked.
+
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.
+
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
+
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
+
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
+
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
it.
+
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
+
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
+
Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
+
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.
+
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a
fence.
+
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever...and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
+
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
when well oiled.
+
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
+
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
+
Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
away.
+
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
back.
+
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
+
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
paint.
+
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
+
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
+
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
+
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
+
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub,
it tolls for thee.
+
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
+
Show me a man who is a good loser and i'll show you a man who is
playing golf with his boss.
+
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
+
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
+
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
+
X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.
+
People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
+
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
+
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
unless it is an enemy.
+
There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
inexplicable."
+
There is another theory that states: "This has already happened...."
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
dimensional objects...
+
"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
+
"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
other is to read Pope."
+
"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
+
        A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
        "If what?" asked the composer.
        "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
+
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell
into the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him
out again, it would be a calamity."
+
G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home:  "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
secretary, 'Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
'No,' he will say, 'Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.'
And that's your chance, my boy."
+
"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
the smallest amount of thoughts."
+
"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an
excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
+
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
+
"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."
+
Leibowitz's Rule:
        When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
        hold the hammer with both hands.
+
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
        The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
        of your eyes.
+
Langsam's Laws:
        1) Everything depends.
        2) Nothing is always.
        3) Everything is sometimes.
Law of Probable Dispersal:
        Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
        distributed.
Meader's Law:
        Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
        everyone you know, only more so.
+
Fourth Law of Revision:
        It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
        interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
        you.
+
Sodd's Second Law:
        Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
        bound to occur.
+
Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
work.
+
Rule of Defactualization:
        Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
+
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
        If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
        if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the
        question back at him.
+
Anthony's Law of Force:
        Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
+
Ray's Rule of Precision:
        Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
+
Rule of Creative Research:
        1) Never draw what you can copy.
        2) Never copy what you can trace.
        3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
+
Barach's Rule:
        An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
        physician.
+
Speak roughly to your little VAX,
and boot it when it crashes;
It knows that one cannot relax
Because the paging thrashes!
+
        Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
+
I speak severely to my VAX,
and boot it when it crashes;
In spite of all my favorite hacks
My jobs it always thrashes!
+
        Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
+
"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
"One planet is all you get."
+
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
don't."
+
"If you have to hate, hate gently"
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
+
Air is water with holes in it
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
+
The Roman Rule
        The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
        one who is doing it.
Lackland's Laws:
        1.  Never be first.
        2.  Never be last.
        3.  Never volunteer for anything
+
Tussman's Law:
        Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Oliver's Law:
        Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
        it.
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
        Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
        held to discuss it.
Baruch's Observation:
        If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
        Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
        corner of the workshop.
+
Corollary:
        On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
        your toes.
+
Second Law of Business Meetings:
        If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
        will pick the wrong one.
+
Corollary:
        If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
        wrong, anyway.
+
Grelb's Reminder:
        Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
        average drivers.
+
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
        You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
+
Rule of the Great:
        When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
        thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
+
Lieberman's Law:
        Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
+
Goldenstern's Rules:
        1.  Always hire a rich attorney
        2.  Never buy from a rich salesman.
+
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
        There are no answers, only cross references.
+
Brook's Law:
        Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
+
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
        Murphy was an optimist.
+
***SPECIAL PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT***
Quote O' The Day is shareware- For more information on this
quality program please write via Internet to:
hook@works.uucp

Or look for Tim Miranda on various nets such as RIME and Relaynet
+
I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
+
One more drink and I'll be under the host.
+
Pubs make you as drunk as they can as soon as they can, and turn nasty when
they succeed.
+
The trouble with the world is that everybody in it is three drinks behind.
+
I drink to make other people interesting.
+
A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
+
A man is never drunk if he can lie on the floor without holding on.
+
Maybe alcohol picks you up a little bit, but it sure lets you down in
a hurry.
+
My dad was the town drunk.  A lot of times that's not so bad -
but New York City?
+
I'm delighted.  The uglier we are the better we get.
+
Well, I suppose one regards it as an optional extra.
+
The President isn't going on vacation.  He's going on holiday.
+
What I want for the 1990's is to see demilitarisation of Europe and the
survival of Salman Rushdie to a ripe old age.
+
May our nation continue to be a beaken (sic) of hope to the world...
+
Treat every woman as if you have slept with her and you soon will.
+
Treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore.
+
Make love to every woman you meet; if you get 5 per cent on your outlay,
it's a good investment.
+
Phrase suggested for increasing feminine fervour:
"You are an A.I. tumble-bun."
+
Have the florist send some roses to Mrs Upjohn and write 'Emily I love you'
on the back of the bill.
+
To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait
to disprove it.
+
Never become involved with someone who can make you lose stature if the
relation becomes known...sleep UP.
+
Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to
put on a pedestal and worship.  As he grows up, of course, he will put her
on a pedestal the better to view her legs.
+
The girl in the omnibus has one of those faces of marvellous beauty which
are seen casually in the streets but never among one's friends.  Where do
these women come from?  Who marries them?  Who knows them?
+
Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins.  My sin, my soul.
+
The great and terrible step was taken.  What else could you expect from so
expectant?  'Sex,' said Frank Harris, 'is the gateway to life.'  So I went
through the gatewat in an upper room in the Cafe Royal.
+
If you are ever in doubt as to whether or not you should kiss a pretty girl,
always give her the benefit of the doubt.
+
Man are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
+
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
+
An inexperienced female kisser:
Where do the noses go?  I always wondered where the noses would go?
+
On kissing Margaret Thatcher:
We have, of course, often done it before, but never on a pavement outside a
hotel in Eastbourne.  We have done it in various rooms in one way or another
at various functions.  It is perfectly genuine - and normal and right - so
to do.
+
How can a bishop marry?  How can he flirt?  The most he can say is:
"I will see you in the vestry after the service."
+
These sort of boobies think that people come to balls to do nothing but
dance; whereas everyone knows that the real business of a ball is either
to look out for a wife, to look after a wife, or to look after someone
else's wife.
+
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
+
Anonymous message between lovers: N.O.R.W.I.C.H.
translation: (K)Nickers Off Ready When I Come Home.
+
Two people kissing always look like fish.
+
Why don't you come up some time and see me?
+
I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start
without me.
+
About to exchange her fur wrap for a dressing gown:
Would you be shocked if I put on something more comfortable?
+
Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?
+
Condoms should be marketed in three sizes, because failures tend to occur at
the extreme ends of the scale ... We should package them in different sizes
and maybe label them like olives - jumbo, colossal and supercolossal - so
that men don't have to go in and ask for the small.
+
When a young man said he was six feet seven inches:
Never mind the six feet.  Let's talk about the seven inches.
+
In the wilds:  It's so quiet up here you can hear a mouse get a hard-on.
+
The thing that takes the least amount of time and causes the most amount
of trouble is Sex.
+
Sex is all right but it's not as good as the real thing.
+
Sex is the biggest nothing of all time.
+
I'd rather have a cup of tea than go to bed with someone - any day.
+
Sex is the last refuge of the miserable.
+
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for
money usually costs less.
+
No sex is better than bad sex.
+
Sex is one damp thing after another.
+
Is sex dirty?  Only when it is being done right.
+
Sex is like money - very nice to have but vulgar to talk about.
+
After Sex:  Fun?  That was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
+
Other vice may be nice, but sex won't rot your teeth.
+
Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
+
Sex is 90 per cent in the head.
+
The idea of using censors to bar thoughts of sex is dangerous.  A person
without sex thoughts is abnormal.
+
Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy
sometimes results in sex.
+
Morality in sexual relations, when it is free from superstition, consists
essentially of respect for the other person, and unwillingness to use the
person solely as means of personal gratification, without regard to his or
her desires.
+
Lovers don't snore.
+
Sex - the poor man's polo.
+
A little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has
income and she is pattable.
+
Sex in marriage is like medicine.  Three times a day for the first week.
Then once a day for another week.  Then once every three or four days until
the condition clears up.
+
I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day;
I never had time for tobacco since.
+
My dad told me, "Anything worth having is worth waiting for."
I waited until I was fifteen.
+
Would you, my dear young friends, like to be inside with the five wise
virgins or outside, alone and in the dark, with the five foolish ones?
+
I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.
+
If I had no duties, and no reference to futurity, I would spend my life in
driving briskly in a post-chaise with a pretty woman.
+
When I was young, I used to have successes with women because I was young.
Now I have successes with women because I am old.  Middle age was the 
hardest part.
+
He had heard that one is permitted a certain latitude with widows,
and went in for the whole 180 degrees.
+
I consider a day in which I make love only once virtually wasted.
+
I like naked ladies - one at a time, in private.
+
Advice to his son on sex:
The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, 
and the expense damnable.
+
I am that twentieth-century failure: a happy, undersexed, celibate.
+
Lord give me chastity - but not yet.
+
Chastity is its own punishment.
+
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
+
Chastity is the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
+
Virginity is like a balloon - one prick and it's gone.
+
Celibacy is not an inherited characteristic.
+
Those who choose matrimony do well, and those who choose virginity or
voluntary abstinence do better.
+
Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.
+
About the only thing you should be able to say about a Catholic priest
is that his father wasn't one.
+
Marriage may often be a stormy lake, but celibacy is almost a muddy
horse-pond.
+
It is better to marry than to burn.
+
A bachelor lives like a king and dies like a beggar.
+
On having children:
Life is pleasant, but I have no yearning to clutter up the universe after
it is over.
+
When you've got over the disgrace of the single life, it's more airy.
+
Bachelors should be heavily taxed; it is not fair that some men should be
happier than others.
+
'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.
+
Bachelors know more about women than married men.  If they did not they
would have married too.
+
Honey, I'm single because I was born that way.  I never married, because I
would have had to give up my favourite hobby - men.
+
I'm not going to make the same mistake once.
+
By persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent
public temptation.
+
A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and
a boy forever.
+
A bachelor gets tangled up with a lot of women in order to avoid getting
tied to one.
+
On marriage:
Why buy a book when you can borrow one from the library?
+
There are only two types of women - goddesses and doormats.
+
Prostitues for pleasure, concubines for service, wives for breeding.
('and a melon for ecstacy' is sometimes added...)
+
On the difference between a diplomat and a lady:
When a diplomat says yes, he means perhaps.
When he says perhaps he means no.
When he says no, he is not a diplomat.
+
When a lady says no, she means perhaps.
When she says perhaps, she means yes.
But when she says yes, she is no lady.
+
You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see
a smart woman with a dumb guy.
+
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain
that he's not the man she married?
+
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman who has nothing to wear.
+
As usual there's a great woman behind every idiot.
+
Women were born without a sense of humour - so they could love men and not
laugh at them.
+
When women kiss, it always reminds me of prize-fighters shaking hands.
+
Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed, they're the kind of
problem I enjoy wrestling with.
+
The more I see of men the less I like them; if I could but say so of women
too, all would be well.
+
God created women because He couldn't teach sheep how to type.
+
No woman is worth the loss of a night's sleep.
+
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
+
I like the whiskey old and the women young.
+
A woman's place is in the wrong.
+
He that has a white horse, and a fair woman, is never without trouble.
+
Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
+
There is no greater fan of the opposite sex,
and I have the bills to prove it.
+
It's the fallen women who are usually picked up.
+
It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
+
How do girls get minks?  The same way minks get minks.
+
The happiest women, like the happiest nations, have no history.
+
What most men desire is a virgin who is a whore.
+
Older women are best because they always think they may be doing it for the
last time.
+
Man are beasts, and even beasts don't behave as they do.
+
All men are rapists and that's all they are.  They rape us with their eyes,
their laws and their codes.
+
All men are like Arabs.
+
The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.
+
Women like the simplet things in life - like men.
+
A woman without a man is like a garden without a fence.
+
We made civilisation to impress our girl friends.
+
If god considered woman a helpmeet for men, He must have had a poor opinion
of men.
+
Love is man's delusion that one woman differs from another - still, man is
better off than woman; he marries later and dies sooner.
+
All men are different, but husbands are all alike.
+
There's simply no other way for a man to feel his manliness, his knigliness
if you will, than to be loved by a beautiful woman.
+
Men who do not make advances to women are apt to become victims to women who
make advances to them.
+
A hard man is good to find.
+
A man with an erection is in no need of advice.
+
It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
+
Men who aren't pet-lovers aren't any good in bed.
+
You know more about a man in one night than you do in months of
conversation.  In the sack, they can't cheat.
+
I like him and it in that order.
+
Amor Vincit Omnia (Love conquers all)
+
When asked if he was in love on getting engaged to Lady Diana Spencer:
Yes - whatever 'in love' means.
+
If love is the answer, can you rephrase the question.
+
Any time that is not spent on love is wasted.
+
When people say, "You're breaking my heart", they do in fact usually mean
that you're breaking their genitals.
+
Love is not altogether a delirium, yet it has many points in common
therewith.
+
The Art of Love:
Knowing how to combine the temperament of a vampire with the discretion
of an anemone.
+
Love is being stupid together.
+
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
+
Love means not ever having to say you're sorry.
+
Nothing is better for the spirit or body than a love affair.  It elevates
thoughts and flattens stomachs.
+
Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
+
I have fallen in love with all sorts of girls and I fully intend to go on
doing so.
+
I went out bicycling one afternoon, and suddenly, as I was riding along a
country road, I realised that I no longer loved Alys.
+
With the few words I wanted to assure that I love you and if you had been a
woman I would have concidered marrying you, although your head is full of
grey hairs, but as you are a man that possibility doesn't arise.
+
Love is so much better when you are not married.
+
One should always be in love.  That is the reason one should never marry.
+
A lover has all the good points and all the bad points which are locking
in a husband.
+
The less we love a women, the more we are loved by her.
+
There is a codeword which opens safes - it is LOVE.
+
Love letters are the campaign promises of the heart.
+
I was in love once when I was young.  But then I became attached to the
Bureau.
+
You can always get someone to love you -
even if you have to do it yourself.
+
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
+
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
+
To Oscar Levant:
  If you had it all over again, Oscar, would you fall in love with
yourself?
+
When people have loved me I have been embarrassed.
+
The French boys will be naught.  Their minds do chiefly run on the
propagation of their race.
+
Continental people have sex-life; the English have hot-water bottles.
+
Once they call you a Latin Lover, you're in real trouble.  Women expect an
Oscar performance in bed.
+
For adult women wishing to marry, the best prospects are in Greenland.
+
Everything short of war, President Roosevelt promised the English by way of
help in the dark days of the blitz; in the same way, American girls are
liable to promise their beaux everything short of fornication.
+
Australia:  Where men are men and sheep are nervous.
+
You just leave those Russians to me, honey.  I'll take 'em all on,
a battalion at a time, and send them back to Omsk with their little
tails between their legs.
+
The Welsh are the only husbands to put their wives on their national flag.
+
What men call gallantry, and gods adultery, is much more common where the
climate's sultry.
+
The mind is an errogenous zone.
+
Were it not for imagination, a man would be as happy in the arms of a
chambermaid as of a duchess.
+
Sex appeal is 50 per cent what you've got and 50 per cent what people think
you've got.
+
The finest bosom in nature is not so fine as what imagination forms.
+
Women fall in love through their ears and men through their eyes.
+
Male sexual response is far brisker and more automatic; it is triggered
easily by things, like putting a quarter in a vending machine.
+
All a writer has to do to get a woman is to say he's a writer.
It's an aphrodisiac.
+
Hair is another name for sex.
+
Being baldpate is an unfailing sex magnet.
+
Absinthe makes the parts grow stronger.
+
On Caroline of Brunswick's behaviour with the dey (governor) of Algiers:
She was happy as they dey was long.
+
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
+
Instructions for the Best Positions on the Pianoforte.
+
There are nine and sixty ways of constructing tribal lays,
And - every - single - one - of - them - is - right!
+
Oral sex is a matter of taste.
+
When Edwina Currie held aloft a pair of handcuffs at a Tory Party Conference:
I Admit I felt a bat's squeak of desire.
+
Men like long nails - in old movies couples were always scratching each
other's backs.
+
Dancing is wonderful training for girls; it's the first way you learn to
guess what a man is going to do before he does it.
+
On dancing:  A perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
+
You know what comes between me and my Calvins?  Nothing!
+
To the average male there is seemingly nothing so attractive or so
challenging as a reasonably good-looking young mother who is married and
ALONE.
+
In the past a sexy woman was one who lay on a sofa like an odalisque,
smoking a cigarette.  Now she is an athletic woman.
+
Sweaty is sexy.
+
Women never look so well as when one comes in wet and dirty from hunting.
+
Long-legged girls are fascinating - built for walking through grass.
+
High heels were invented by a women who had been kissed on the forehead.
+
Only men who are not interested in women are interested in women's clothes;
men who like women never notice what they wear.
+
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
+
No woman [is] so naked as one you can see to be naked underneath her clothes.
+
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
+
The ends justify the jeans.
+
I knew I would like her when I saw how her backside moved under her red
satin skirt.
+
A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.
+
The girl had as many curves as a scenic railway.
+
I'm just naturally respectful of pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.
+
British boobs are the best in the world.
+
I was the first woman to burn mt bra - it took the fire department four days
to put it out.
+
If I hadn't had them, I would have had some made.
+
I really wish my bust was smaller.
+
Physical love, forbidden as it was twenty or thirty years ago, has now
become boringly obligatory.
+
And so to bed.
+
Don't ever have sex with someone in your office.  Wait until you get home.
+
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the
trouble in the garden.
+
An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it,
the harder it gets.
+
On the pope and birth control:
He no play-a da game.  He no make-a da rules!
+
The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after,
but instead.
+
I would not like to leave contraception on the long finger too long.
+
Love is two minutes fifty-two seconds of quishing noises.  It shows your
mind isn't clicking right.
+
Sex is best in the afternoon after coming out of the shower.
+
A women is a well-served table that one sees with different eyes before and
after the meal.
+
Masterbation is the thinking man's television.
+
Masturbation is coming unscrewed.
+
Don't knock masterbation - it's sex with someone you love.
+
Masterbation is great - and you don't have to take your hand out to dinner
afterwards and talk to it about its problems.
+
One thing about masterbation - you meet a better class of person.
+
Young farmer with 100 acres would be pleased to hear from young lady with
tractor.  Please send photograph of tractor.
+
On marriage:  The deep, deep peace of the double-bed after the hurly-burly
of the chaise longue.
+
If we take matrimony at its lowest, We regard it as a sort of friendship
recognised by the police.
+
Courtship is to marriage as a very witty prologue is to a dull play.
+
On her decision to accept the late Duke's marriage proposal:
I decided I had enjoyed myself long enough.
+
Marriage:  It begins with a prince kissing an angel.  It ends with a
baldheaded man looking across the table at a fat women.
+
Marriage:  It begins when you sink into his arms; and ends with your arms
in his sink.
+
Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.
+
Marriage - a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the
remaining chapters in prose.
+
Marriage is a covered dish.
+
Marriage may be compared to a cage.  The birds outside despair to get in
and those within despair to get out.
+
Marriage: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master,
a mistress, and two slaves, making, in all, two.
+
I think marriage is a very personal thing.
+
If they only married when they fell in love most people would die unwed.
+
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays
and the other never forgets them.
+
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one
woman.
+
My son got his first part, playing a man who's been married for thirty years.
I told him to stick at it and next time he'd get a speaking part.
+
The most happy marriage I can picture... Would be the union of a deaf man to
a blind woman.
+
Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost
certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little care in this very
imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates.  But the
real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.
+
The best of all possible marriages is a seesaw in which first one then the
other partner is dominant.
+
Getting married is a serious matter for a girl; not getting married is even
more serious.
+
Marrieage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the
maximum of opportunity.
+
To have a women to lye with when one pleases, without running any risk of the
cursed expense of bastards... these are solid views of matrimony.
+
A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered
with sexm and all that sort of thing.
+
Every bride has to learn it's not her wedding but her mother's.
+
When an old man marries a young wife, he grows younger - but she grows older.
+
I have always thought that every woman should marry and no man.
+
If you marry you will regret it.  If you do not marry, you will also
regret it.
+
When two divorced people marry, four get into bed.
+
To marry a second time represents the triumph of hope over experience.
+
A man and a woman marry because both of them don't know what to do with
themselves.
+
On getting married:
It's like signing a 356-page contract without knowing what's in it.
+
The surest way to be alone is to get married.
+
If you're afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
+
The greatest thing about marriage is that it enables one to be alone without
feeling loneliness.
+
It is easier to be a lover than a husband, for the same reason that it is
more difficult to show a ready wit all day long than to say a good thing
occasionally.
+
Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.
+
I was married once - in San Francisco.  I haven't seen her for many years.
The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate.
There's no legal proof.  Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
+
Marriage:  A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and
through the nose of the gentleman.
+
Most men fall in love with a pretty face but find themselves bound for life
to a hateful stranger, alternating endlessly between workshop and a witch's
kitchen.
+
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
+
I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.
+
All tragedies are finished by death,
All comedies are ended by a marriage.
+
Love-matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey,
to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar.
+
Advice to persons about to marry - DON'T!
+
Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards.
+
Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious;
both are disappointed.
+
Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.
+
Marriage is a mistake every man should make.
+
Praise a wife but remain a bachelor.
+
They dream in marriage but in wedlock wake.
+
Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools
decoyed into our condition.
+
The only really happy people are married women and single men.
+
Greatest horror - dream I am married - wake up shrieking.
+
On the birth of his second son:
We have nearly got a full polo team now.
+
On pregnancy:  It's a very boring time.  I am not particularly maternal -
it's an occupational hazard of being a wife.
+
The critical period in matrimony is breakfast time.
+
Basically my wife was immature.  I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come
in and sink my boats.
+
In some countries being president is just an honorary position -
like being a husband in Hollywood.
+
One wife at a time is enough for most people.
+
The London season is entirely matrimonial; people are either hunting for
jusbands or hiding from them.
+
It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is ure to find next morning
that it was someone else.
+
So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes
three.
+
The first thrill of adultery is entering the house.  Everything there has
been paid for by the other man.
+
I don't think there are any men who are faithful to their wives.
+
I don't know of any young man, black or white, who doesn't have a girl friend
besides his wife.  Some have four sneaking around.
+
Adultery is a most conventional way to rise above the conventional.
+
Adultery in your heart is committed not only when you look with excessive
sexual desire at a woman who is not your wife, but also if you look in
the same manner at your wife.
+
I can't take dictation.  I can't type.  I can't even answer the phone.
+
A mistress should be like a little country retreat near the town;
not to dwell in constantly, but only for a night and away!
+
When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy.
+
I've looked on a lot of women with lust.  I've committed adultery in my
heart many times.  God recognises I will do this and forgives me.
+
For my part I keep the commandments, I love my neighbour as myself, and
to avoid coveting my neighbour's wife I desire to be coveted by her;
which you know is quite another thing.
+
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands
a woman.  And behind her stands his wife.
+
When you have an affair with a married man, you hear a lot more about his
wife than you do about yourself.
+
Nowadays all the married men live like bachelors, and all the bachelors
live like married men.
+
I say I don't sleep with married men, but when I mean is that I don't sleep
with happily married men.
+
"Come, Come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life,
There's no excuse for this playing the rake -
It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife" -
"Why, so it is, father - Whose wife shall I take?"
+
On being asked, "How many husbands have you had?":
You mean apart from my own?
+
NO matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to
discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not.
+
A lover teaches a wife all that her husband has concealed from her.
+
The prerequisite for a good marriage is the licence to be unfaithful.
+
A man can have two, maybe three, love affairs while he's married. But three
is the absolute maximum.  After that you're cheating.
+
When his wife caught him kissing a chorus-girl:
I wasn't kissing her.  I was whispering in her mouth.
+
In married life, three is company and two none.
+
Love, the quest; Marriage, the conquest; Divorce, the inquest.
+
Divorces are made in heaven.
+
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
+
WHen his wife abandoned him:
I did not forsake her, I did not dismiss her: I will not recall her.
+
To Lord Snowdon on the break-up of his marriage to Princess Margaret:
Your experience will be a lesson to all of us men to be careful not to
marry ladies in high positions.
+
The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is doubtless
a separation.
+
My wife got the house, the car, the bank account, and if I marry again and
have children, she gets them too.
+
It was partly my fault we got divorced.  I had a tendency to place my wife
under a pedestal.
+
Many a man owes his success to his first wife, and his second wife to
his success.
+
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
+
Alimony is the screwing you get for the screwing you got.
+
I am a marvellous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
+
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal
separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
+
It takes two to destroy a marriage.
+
Why is it when married couples separate, they so often tend to blame each
other for the very qualities that attracted them to each other in the
first place.
+
Nudge nudge, wink wink.  Say no more.  Know what I mean?
+
On the book 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' by D.H.Lawrence:
Is it a book that you would have lying around in your house?
Is this a book you would ever wish your wife or your servants to read?
+
I don't see so much of Alfred at night any more since he got so interested
in sex.
+
I had cherished a profound conviction that her bringing me up by hand gave
her no right to bring me up by jerks.
+
Meredith had an unbounded enthusiasm for French letters.
+
On 'Oh, Calcutta!':
This is the kind of show that gives pornography a bad name.
+
On the opening night of 'Oh, Calcutta!":
The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the
music stops.
+
To David Garrick:  I'll come no more behind your scenes, David;
for the silk stockings and white bosoms of your actresses excite my
amorous propensities.
+
You know, I go to the theatre to be entertained... I don't want to see plays
about rape, sodomy, and drug addiction... I can get all that at home.
+
When asked if she had really posed for a calendar with nothing on:
Oh, no, I had the radio on.
+
On topless models:
They're going to turn us all off sex pretty soon if they don't stop.
+
The artist has won through his fantasy what he could only win in his
fantasy: honour, power, and the love of women.
+
I would rather go to bed with a cold cod than the Hon. Member for Perth
and Kinross (Nicholas Fairbairn).
+
The trouble with Ian (Fleming) is that he gets off with women because he
can't get on with them.
+
On Henry Kissinger:  Henry's idea of sex is to slow down to thirty miles
an hour when he drops you off at the door.
+
When the Earl of Lichfield said he was dropping her because 'she was no good
in the country': And he's no good in bed.
+
There are three things my brother Chico is always on: a phone, a horse, 
or a broad.
+
They say a man is as old as the woman he feels.  In that case I'm eighty-
five.
+
Dudley Moore is a phallic thimble.
+
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
+
After her first night with Orson Wells:
I looked at his head on the pillow and knew he was just waiting for the
applause.
+
He had got one arm round your waist and one eye on the clock.
+
On a small, potential lover:  The problem was that when I was young I used
to like to do it standing up and, if I had ever done it with him, he would
have been jabbing me in the knees.
+
Photo inscription to her fiance:  To my gorgeous lover, Harry.  I'll trade
all my It for your that.
+
On the Mormon ex-lover she had kidnapped and chained to her bed:
I loved Kirk so much, I would have skied down Mount Everst in the nude with
a carnation up my nose.
+
On Edwina Currie MP:
All the poison that my Hon. Friend suggested I would happily take rather
than be spreadeagled on the floor of the House by her.
+
'Romance on the High Seas' was Doris Day's first picture; that was before
she became a virgin.
+
On Britt Ekland: She's a professional girl-friend and an amateur actress.
+
Marilyn Monroe?  A vacuum with nipples.
+
On a Hallowe'en party where people were ducking for apples:
There, but for a typographical error, is the story of my life.
+
When pregnant:  It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.
+
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and she can't say 'no' in any of them.
+
Suggested epitaph for an available actress: She sleeps alone at last.
+
Of an available starlet:  She was the original good time that was had by all.
+
There's a lot of promiscuity about these days, and I'm all for it.
+
What is a promiscuous person?  It's usually someone who is getting more sex
than you are.
+
If all the young girls at the Yale Prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be
at all surprised.
+
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day and another in case it doesn't.
+
I don't want to see any faces at this party that I haven't sat on.
+
It's impossible to ravish me, I'm so willing.
+
Cannes is where you lie on the beach and look at the stars, or vice versa.
+
Our world had changed.  It's no longer a question of 'Does she or Doesn't
she?'  We all know she wants to, is about to, or does.
+
The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image
of fulfilment.
+
Chivalry:  going about releasing beautiful maidens from other men's castles,
and taking them back to your own castle.
+
This administration is going to do for sex what the last one (Eisenhower's)
did for golf.
+
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
+
I do alot of research, especially in the apartments of tall blondes.
+
Outside every thin girl there is a fat man trying to get in.
+
What is wrong with a little incest?  It is both handy and cheap.
+
The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
+
You should make a point of trying every experience once - except incest
and folk dancing.
+
I am fond of children (except boys).
+
Buggery is boring.
Incest is relatively boring.
Necrophilia is dead boring.
+
I was a beautiful little boy, and evryone had me - men, women, dogs and
fire hydrants.
+
Never do with your hands what you could do better with you mouth.
+
I regret to say that we at the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has some way obstructed interstate commerce.
+
Personally I have always felt (soixante-neuf) to be madly confusing, like
trying to pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time.
+
Sado-masochism means not having to say you are sorry.
+
I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.
+
There's nothing wrong with going to bed with somebody of your own sex...
People should be very free with sex - they should draw the line at goats.
+
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get the right
man and the right woman.
+
On a famous pair about to get married:
Splendid couple - slept with both of them.
+
He was into animal husbandry - until they caught him at it.
+
Among the porcupines, rape is unknown.
+
There is no unhappier creature on earth than a fetishist who yearns for
woman's shoes and has to embrace the whole woman.
+
Certainly nothing is unnatural that is not physically impossible.
+
Some things can't be ravished.  You can't ravish a tin of sardines.
+
To Bernard Shaw, after an empty fliration:
You had no tight to write the preface if you were not going to write
the book.
+
Nothing is so much to be shunned as sexual relations.
+
The expense of spirit in a waste of shame
Is lust in action...
Enjoy'd no sooner but despised straight...
Before, a joy propos'd; behind, a dream.
+
All this fuss about sleeping together.  For physical pleasure I'd sooner go
to my dentist any day.
+
Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.
+
Niagara is only the second biggest disappointment of the standard honeymoon.
+
The first time is never the best.
+
On Maureen O'Hara:  She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth -
or anywhere else.
+
Take me or leave me.
Or as most people do: both.
+
When my bed is empty,
Makes me feel awful mean and blue.
My springs are getting rusty,
Living single like I do.
+
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
+
When I'm good, I'm very good.  When I'm bad, I'm better.
+
Thanks, I enjoyed every inch of it.
+
My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living-
room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom.  I said I'd hire the
other two and take care of the bedroom bit.
+
There comes a point where every woman has to face up to being an old broad.
+
Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance.
+
Show me a naked girl and I'll show you how quickly I can go to sleep.
+
When asked towards the end of his life whether he had any regrets:
Yes, I haven't had enough sex.
+
delighted you came, my dear, and I'd like you to know that you made a happy
man feel very old.
+
She offered her honour,
I honoured her offer,
So all night long
It was on her and off her.
+
Boy, am I exhausted!  I went on a double date last night and the other girl
didn't show up.
+
We have been on a working honeymoon.
+
When a woman tells him, "You are the greatest lover I have ever known":
Well, I practise a lot when I'm on my own.
+
On double beds v. single beds: It is not the wild, ecstatic leap across that
I deplore.  It is the weary trudge home.
+
"Well, how was Christmas?"
"If the soup had been as warm as the wine, and the wine as old as the
chicken, and the chicken as tender as the upstairs maid, and the maid
as willing as the duchess, it would have been perfect."
+
"The Roker roar has been very much to the fore in the background."
+
"... home advantage gives you an advantage..."
+
"Always remember, the Russians are fantastic chess players, and I suspect
 Mr. Gorbachev has still quite a few cards left in his hand."
+
DAVID COLEMAN: "What made you think it was Richard Gough?"
LIZ McCOLGAN : "Because it looks like him."
+
"Frank Lessor... one of the unsung heroes of popular music."
+
Fight truth decay - brush up on your Bible every day!
+
Come in for a faith lift.
+
Seven prayerless days make one spiritually weak.
+
The Good Book has more chapters than the bad box had channels.
+
Come to Ch**ch.  What is missing?
+
It's impossible to lose your footing on your knees.
+
Jog to church and keep spiritually fit.
+
Bank on God for a higher rate of interest.
+
We have a normal husband and wife relationship - she is definitely the boss!
+
Consoling news for users of the unpopular driver-only buses:
You are four times less likely to get squashed in the driver-operated doors
than you are to fall of the back of the friendly old-style two-crew buses.
+
Include me out!
+
A week is a long time in politics.
+
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding,
he sings.
+
I do not mind what language an opera is sung in as long as it is a language
I do not understand.
+
No good opera plot can be sensible, for poeple do not sing when they are
feeling sensible.
+
Oh how wonderful, really wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
+
People are wrong when they say the opera isn't what it used to be.
It is what it used to be.  That's what's wrong with it.
+
The opera isn't over till the fat lady sings.
+
One goes to see a tragedy to be moved, to the opera one goes either for want
of any other interest or to facilitate digestion.
+
Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own
punishment with it.
+
Opera is like a husband with a foreign title: expensive to support, hard to
understand, and therefore a supreme social challenge.
+
Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in
italian.
+
I'd like to be a balanced human being, but I find that a very difficult goal.
+
Sir, I was told that the definition of a gentleman was a man who can play
bagpipes but doesn't.
+
No judge can ever say he's never made a mistake.  If he does he's a
complacent fool.
+
A BR Guard over the loudspeaker on an overcrowded Plymouth to London Train:
It's not my fault.  This service is a disgrace.
+
Famous?  I'm not famous.  Often people come on stage and say "Hello Steve!"
+
The spirella corset factory is closing because the bottom has dropped out
of the market.
+
Neutrality doesn't make sense - who are they being neutral against?
+
Now the All Blacks thunderbolt is moving slowly forward...
+
I'm not goning to predict what I'm gonna do, but I'm gonna come out there
the winner.
+
Whoever wins the first frame will be one frame up.
+
Mason has won none of his fights within the first round, and this isn't one
of them...
+
You say you've hit some dodgy ground.  Exactly what does that mean in
layman's terms?
+
The two super-powers cannot divide the world into their oyster.
+
Robson's lack of inspiration has been the cornerstone of United's weakness.
+
We didn't expect to be top, and that's a fact.  But football's not about
facts, it's about what happens.
+
A momentary moment of slackness...
+
I wouldn't pay a million pounds to be somewhere else tonight!
+
There you can see Sunday Silence, who's hidden by another horse...
+
Although a Canadian, Mario Martinez is, in fact, an Italian.
+
He comes at you rather like a fridge door opening with the light going on.
+
No fortune is better than mis-fortune.
+
I've got some years on my chest now, and the winds not blowing them off!
+
The problem is that there are so many people alive in the Soviet Union now
who gave their lives for that sort of thing.
+
And there he is sitting in exactly the same place on the other side of
the ring.
+
The hurdles we had to climb were traditionally untrodden... So we were
blazing new trails all the time.
+
Going through Jimmy White's mind now will be the winning post.
+
I once married a pair of legs which was a bad idea.
+
On his proposed walk to the North Pole:
Where I am going, my chances of survival are statistically higher than
on Fleet Street.
+
On her ample bosom:
Sometimes I feel like an upside-down pyramid.
+
He drinks whisky.  Everyone knows that, but he had not been to a shindig
or a party.  He had been working at ITN.
+
Vincent Van Gogh talked about having to drink for a whole summer to find a
certain shade of yellow.  I think he just couldn't find the tube the yellow
was in.
+
She is a real no-nonsense lady, a sort of a Harry Trueman in panty-hose.
+
He went down like a sack of potatoes, then made a meal of it...
+
It was a catch 50/50 situation really.
+
It was in this hall last week that an Indian weight-lifter picked up
three medals.
+
Being seven points behind gives you a definite psychological advantage.
+
Orange juice; that's the juice of an orange.
+
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six.  One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
   to the experience.
+
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five.  One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
   Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
+
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None of your damn business!
+
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50.  50?  Yeah 50; its in the contract.
+
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two.  One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
+
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
+
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  Thats a hardware problem.
+
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
+
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
   of license fee (binary only).
+
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to
   get it done.
+
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None:  `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
+
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None of your damn business!
+
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None:  A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to
   do it.
+
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
+
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two.  (Hint:  They are small enough to fit inside).
+
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
   on strike!
+
Q: How many WASPs (Californians)  does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Silly, WASPs (Californians) don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in
   hot tubs.
+
Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None:  The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
+
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1,000,001:  One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
   civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.
+
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five:  One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
   out from under him.
+
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
+
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
+
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
+
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself
in.
+
Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor?  Gag me with a spoon!  For sure.
+
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
      One to write the light bulb removal program,
      one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
      one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
          nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
+
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
+
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Notes:  1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen.  The true Zen answer is
   Four.  One to change the bulb.
 
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
+
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
   how good the old light bulb was.
Notes:  This has also been said of Virginians.
+
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
   bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
+
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
   installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
+
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
+
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three.  One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
   to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it.
+
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
        Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10%
        of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank",
        and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists
        of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
+
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.  They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
+
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
+
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  It turned itself in.
+
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven.  One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
   with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
+
Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  How many can you afford?
+
Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The entire team!  And they all get a semester's credit for it!
+
Q:  How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None.  There never *was* any lightbulb.
Notes:  Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
+
Q:  how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
    you knew how many.
Notes:  Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
+
Q:  How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
+
Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: ---- You should have hit "n"!
+
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One third less than for a regular bulb.
+
Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
+
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
 
Q:  How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb.
 
Q:  How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb?
A:  45.  One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
 
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
   give it a surprising twist at the end.
 
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
   itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
   reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
   toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
 
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
 
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
 
Q. How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A. 50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
+
Q. How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Notes: What do you mean, you haven't read 2010 yet?
 
Q:  How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to screw in
    a light bulb?
+
A:  Five.  While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use
    a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body.
    Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for
    Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light
    fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high-
    wattage model of his own design.  Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the
    door in a laundry truck.  Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed,
    we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the
    United States.
+
Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
 
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
    the ship out of disgrace."
(Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight.  They
consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
 
Q:  How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
    a light bulb?
A:  Many hands make light work.
 
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around
   him.
+
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three.  One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
   third to shoot the witness.
 
Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ?
A: 1,622.  One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some
   minor variation of it!
 
Q: How many sorority members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 51.  One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb
   being changed.
 
Q:  How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
    screws the bulb into the water faucet.
 
Q:  How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
 
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
   pending resolution of some action items.  It will be continued next week.
   Meanwhile...
+
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None.  Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
 
Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and a second to hand our leaflets.
 
Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty
about having to call the cleaning lady?
 
Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seventeen. One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the
bulb. One to hold him on the stepladder. Four to hold the stepladder steady.
One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other
bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee
break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking
into the apartment at night. One to drink martinis with the WASPs.
 
Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three.
(Notes: think height!)
 
Q: How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and
worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the room to go
to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress.
 
Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
 
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.
 
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,0000  - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
(Notes: this joke might be dated.)
 
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.
 
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them.
 
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One and a half.
 
Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.
 
Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
(Notes: Sock it = Socket.  Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.")
 
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
 
Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You can't CHANGE a light bulb!
(Notes: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group that beleives
in violent revolution.)
 
Q. How many Data Flow people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Matching store overflow.
+
 
Q. How many Prolog people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. No.
 
Q. How many VDM (Formal Specification) people does it take to change
   a lightbulb?
A. You mean lightbulbs fail?  In service?? Is that in the spec.???
+
Q. How many Real Manchester Programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None.  MUSS doesn't have lightbulbs.  And if it had, you couldn't access
   them.
 
Q. How many Professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One. If you can find one.
+
Q. How many Formal Methods Academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 10. 9 to prove that the new bulb is consistent with the old bulb -
   and one to screw it in.
+
Q. How many Formal Methods Pragmatists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 2. One to change the bulb and one to re-write the specification.
+
Q. How many Flagship (Research Group) people does it take to change
   a lightbulb?
A. 30. One to hold the bulb and 29 to apply the room to the bulb.
 
Q. How many Technical staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Five. One to open stores, one to fetch the bulb, one to take the
   old bulb out, one to put the new bulb in - and one to make the coffee.
 
Q. How many IPSE (Research Group) people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 100. 99 to discuss the implications of advanced generic rotational
   protrusive-recessive interfaces (AGRPRI's) on illumination management
   in the large, - and one to screw the bulb into the socket.
+
Q: How many Welshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 81. 30 to play rugby, 50 to form the choir and one to screw it in.
+
Q: How many Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 20. They don't need a lightbulb once the Radical Internal Screwing
   Candle machine is re-invented.
 
Q: How many Senior Lecturers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 11. One to watch the lightbulb and ten to write the Esprit proposal
   for the project that will culminate in the screwing in of the light
   bulb.
+
Q. How many ICL experts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. er.... I'm sorry, Nic Holt is away today..
+
Q. How many Manchester postgraduates does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Just one.  He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around
   him.
+
Q. How many SERC/ALVEY/ESPRIT project holders does it take to screw in a
   lightbulb?
A. Just one, as long as there is a Research Assistant around to explain how
   to do it.
+
Q. How many (Computer) Hardware Lecturers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Four.  One to smelt the tungsten, one to wind it into a coil, one to
   blow the glass envelope, and one to fill it full of hot air!
 
Q.  How many Professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.  (*Censored*)
+
Q.  How many CS216 Lecturers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.  Two.  One to change the lightbulb, and one to explain why
    the lightbulbs used locally don't follow the International
    Standard 7-layer Lighting Model.
+
Q.  How many Electronics Lecturers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.  Only one.  (Hint: forming the Thevenin equivalent model of the
    lightbulb is a good start.)
 
Q. How many Building Services People (New Telephone people) does it take
   to change a lightbulb?

A. One to take the message, one to explain why Keith Hough is away on a
   course, one to lose the yellow slip, one to tell the GEC engineer to
   connect the wrong wires, one to remove Ursula's skirting board, one to
   build a Departmental Database of bulbs that need changing, one to rekey
   the information into an IBM PC, the man who knows why we can't use the
   switchboard console at the moment, and.....
 
   someone who remembers why we wanted lightbulbs in the first place.
+
And Clive Norling, running backwards, just like a football referee, looking
forwards to make sure nothing untoward was happening behind him.
+
I'm a forgotten man in his (Bobby Robson's) mind.
+
After this fight he (Kirkland Lang) can look himself in the face.
+
As long as the ball stays out of play, it's just eating into Manchester
United's hands.
+
Although he isn't as good as he was two years ago, now he's even better!
+
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it
   is to leave her with no hard feelings. 
+
2. Nothing improves with age.
+
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take
   it, because it'll never be quite the same again. 
+
4. Sex has no calories.
+
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
   amount of trouble.
+
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
+
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
+
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
+
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or
   how long it is going to last. 
+
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
+
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
+
12. Virginity can be cured.
+
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
    listening to him. 
+
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
+
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the
    same ones she can't stand years later. 
+
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
+
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
+
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
+
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
+
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
    won't either. 
+
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for
    crop failure. 
+
22. The younger the better.
+
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
+
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
    caused the trouble in the garden. 
+
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
+
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot
    of frogs. 
+
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse
    than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. 
+
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
+
30. Love is a hole in the heart.
+
31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone
    into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on
    the moon.
+
32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
+
33. Do it only with the best.
+
34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
    four-letter words to convey its full meaning. 
+
35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
+
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
+
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
+
38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
+
39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
+
40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
+
41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
+
42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
+
43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the
    women he couldn't. 
+
44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
+
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
+
46. Never say no.
+
47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
+
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
+
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
+
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
+
51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
+
52. Love comes in spurts.
+
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
+
54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other
    eight are unimportant. 
+
55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
+
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
+
57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they
    fall in love. 
+
58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
+
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
+
60. "This won't hurt, I promise."
 
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will
cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong.
+
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go
wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly
develop.
+
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
 
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
+
Mother nature is a bitch.  
+
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
                     
In nature, nothing is ever right. therefore, if everything is going right...
something is wrong.
+
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
+
The amount of expertise varies in inverse ratio to the number of statements
understood by the general public.      
         
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a
larger can.
+
Anything that begins well ends badly.
Anything that begins badly ends worse.             
              
Give any problem containing N equations, there will N+1 unknowns.
     
No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep. 
+
If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue that contains
the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read.....and.....
all of your friends either missed it, lost it, or threw it out.
+
You never find the what you want, until you replace it.
+
Any inanimate object, regardless of its position, configuration or purpose,
may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for
reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious. 
+
The bus is always late, unless you are !
+
An object or bit of information most needed will be least available.
+
Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
+
In any human endeavor,  once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail,
there will be one solution,  simple and obvious,  and highly visible to
everyone else.    
+
Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.
+
1.  Brains x Beauty = Constant.
2.  As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, availability goes
    to zero.
+
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when
well oiled.
+
The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times 
you have looked at it.
+
Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out if it alive.
+
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form
of misery.
+
Ninety nine percent of all people consider themselves to be above
average drivers.
+
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
+
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve
people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
+
You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,
for instance.
+
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
+
A survey has shown that the most popular form of holiday is a three
year arts degree.
+
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
+
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from 
where you left them to where you can't find them.
+
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
say, talk in your sleep.
+
There are three ways to get something done:
+
 (1) Do it yourself.
 (2) Hire someone to do it for you.
 (3) Forbid your kids to do it.
+
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
+
Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're going
to catch you in next.
+
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
wish you weren't.
+
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
+
If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough
to travel.
+
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check three 
friends.  If they're OK, you're it.
+
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits 
his thumb with a hammer.
+
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
tried taking candy from a baby.
+
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
+
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
+
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
+
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.
+
Never use your thumb for a rule.  You'll either hit it with a hammmer 
or get a splinter in it.
+
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
+
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one 
technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
+
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
+
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
+
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
+
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing
golf with his boss.
+
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. 
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
+
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
+
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population
is growing.
+
Q:  Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:  To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
+
Many are called, few are chosen.  Fewer still get to do the choosing.
+
Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple 
yes or no answer.
+
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
+
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good 
either if you speak when your head is empty.
+
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
+
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before 
Saturday.
+
Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.
+
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity
of your action.
        
Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.
+
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
+
Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.
+
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer 
who must maintain it.
+
Computing power increases as the square of the cost.
+
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
+
Any system that depends upon human reliability is unreliable.
+
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable 
errors, which by definition are limited.
+
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost
of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
+
Not until a program has been in production for six months will will the most 
harmful error be discovered.    
+
Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order 
will be.      
+
Interchangeable tapes won't.     
+
If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious
idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
+
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will
malfunction.
+
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, 
volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well
pleases.      
+
Every interesting program has at least one variable, one branch, and one 
loop... and at least one bug!
+
There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should 
read "ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE". 
+
A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of work
without performing a backup.
+
No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it.
+
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find 
at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
+
After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's 
commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new
command structure.   
+
After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar bug in the 
system, the system is revised, the bug is taken away, and you're left with 
a useless routine. 
 
Blessed is he end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be 
disappointed. 
  
Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid embarrassment of estimating 
the corresponding costs.   
+
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than 
expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
+
Project teams detest progress reporting, because it so vividly manifests 
their lack of progress.  
+
If it looks easy, it's tough. if it looks tough, it's damn near impossible.
+
Adding manpower to a late project makes it later.
+
The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the 
deadline approaches. 
+
Any suffiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
+
Inspite of all the evidence to the contrary the entire universe is composed of
two basic substances: Magic and Bullshit.
+
Corollary: There is no magic.....
+
Things get worse under pressure.     
+
An ounce image is worth a pound of performance.  
+
To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it
should take, multiply by two and change the unit of measure to the next
highest unit. thus, we allocate two days for a one hour task.
+
When elderly and distinguished scientists denounce a new idea, it will turn 
out to be right.     
+
When the elderly and distinguished scientists rally round the idea, and 
proclaim it as a major scientific breakthrough, it will turn out to be wrong 
after all.
+
No major project is ever installed on time, within budjets, with the same 
staff that started it.  Yours will not be the first.
+
Projects progress quickly until they are 90 percent complete, then they 
remain 90 precent complete forever.
+
No system is ever completely debugged.  Attempts to debug a system inevitabily
introduce new bugs that are even harder to find.
+
THE SIX PHASES OF A PROJECT
+
1.  Enthusiasm.
2.  Disillusionment.
3.  Panic.
4.  Search for the guilty.
5.  Punishment of the innocent.
6.  Praise and honours for the non-participants.
+
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
+
Experience is directly proportional to the quantity of equipment ruined
or destroyed.    
+
Past experience is always true, never be mislaid by present facts.
+
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.   
+
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.           
           
Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
+
A record of data is essential; it indicates you have been doing something.
+
No matter what result is anticipated, someone will always fit facts to it.
+
No matter what happens, there is always someone who believes it happened
according to his pet theory.        
+
That quantity which when added to, subtracted from, divided into or 
multiplied by the result obtained experimentally will give the correct 
result, is known as a Constant.
+
Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
+
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
+
An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half of the data 
must be discarded to obtain agreement with your pet theory.
+
For neatness, always draw the curves first, and afterwards plot the data.
+
No experiment can be considered a failure; it can always be used as a 
bad example.        
+
When all else fails, read the instructions.
+
Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgement.
+
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to 
the grand fallacy.  
+
The accessibility during recovery, of a part which falls from the work 
bench varies directly with the size of the part, and inversely with the 
importance of the work underway.
+
1. If the work has to be finished today, the part will roll to the most 
   inaccessible part of the room.
2. If it is heavy, it will hit your toe first.
3. You will then find the part by standing on it and destroying it.
4. If the lost part is be the last one then it will be 6 o'clock and the 
   shops are shut til Monday.
+
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
+
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
+
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you 
just how busy they are.
+
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part 
of the problem.
+
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
+
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do 
and always a clever thing to say.
+
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
+
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least 
until we've finished building it.
+
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
+
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make
it complex and wonderful.
+
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about
the problem.
+
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
+
If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
+
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
+
Real computer scientists don't comment their code. 
The identifiers are so long they can't afford the disk space.
+
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many different ones
to choose from.
+
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
+
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
+
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
 
It works better if you plug it in.  
+
That's not a bug, it's a feature!   
+
When investigating the unknown you do not know what you will find.
+
The five rules of Socialism:                              
     
1.     Don't think 
2.     If you do think, don't speak                         
3.     If you think and speak, don't write                  
4.     If you think, speak and write, don't sign              
5.     If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised
 
Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once
+
I figure I'm pretty good with the bullshit but I love listening to an 
expert. Keep talking.
 
Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
+
The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
 
When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
 
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
 
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
 
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
 
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
 
There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
 
Power means not having to respond.
 
We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken
out and shot.
 
The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that you've got
it made.
 
I'm not as dumb as you look.
 
How can I love you if you won't lie down?
 
Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
 
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
 
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
 
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
+
Death  is the greatest kick of all.  That's why they save it for last.
+
I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
+
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
 
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
 
I worship the ground that awaits you.
 
The future isn't what it used to be.
  
Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.
 
Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
 
Buerocrats do not change the course of the ship of state.  They
merely adjust the compass.
 
It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.
+
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.
 
Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to
keep a total stranger alive.  It's really a total stranger giving
up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.
 
Kite fliers keep it up longer.
  
It's not that you and I are so clever,  but that the others are such fools.
+
I'm not cynical. Just experienced.
 
I know you think you understood what I said,  but what you heard
was not what I meant.
 
Bullshit Detector.  When alarm sounds,  please re-engage your brain.
 
The word today is Legs ... Spread the word.
 
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
+
A king's castle is his home.
+
A penny saved is ridiculous.
+
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
+
Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
+
Anarchy is better that no government at all.
+
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
+
As you read the scroll, it vanishes...
+
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
+
Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think.
+
BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd.
+
Computer hackers do it all night long.
+
Computer modelers simulate it first.
+
Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
+
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
+
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
+
Courage is your greatest present need.
+
CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
+
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
+
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
+
Do something unusual today.  Accomplish work on the computer.
+
Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when
it's bad...
+
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
+
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
+
Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
+
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.
+
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
+
Familiarity breeds children.
+
God didn't create the world in 7 days.  He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
+
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
+
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
+
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
+
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
+
Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
+
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
+
If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
+
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
+
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
+
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
+
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
+
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
+
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
+
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
+
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
+
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
+
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
+
Quoting one is plagiarism.  Quoting many is research.
+
QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm.
+
QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
+
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
+
Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
+
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
+
SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
+
BROADCAST MESSAGE AT 4:45pm
  Brain going down...
               IMMEDIATELY.
+
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
+
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
+
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
+
The road to to success is always under construction.
+
Those who can't write, write help files.
+
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
+
Today is the last day of your life so far.
+
TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.
+
Wasting time is an important part of life.
+
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
+
Time is an illusion.  Lunchtime doubly so.
+
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
+
Before the game our dressing room was like Dunkirk before they went over
the trenches.
+
They (local authorities) are caught between the deep blue sea of the rates
and the frying-pan of the Poll Tax.
+
I was 18 about six years ago - I'm 28 now.
+
And now here's Father Raymond Brennan - a priest who has been literally
a father to hundreds of children.
+
England have just scored their second goal from a penalty corner.  This will
add to their first goal.
+
And Clive Norling, running backwards, just like a football referee, looking
forwards to make sure nothing untoward was happening behind him.
+
I'm a forgotten man in his (Bobby Robson's) mind.
+
After this fight he (Kirkland Lang) can look himself in the face.
+
As long as the ball stays out of play, it's just eating into
Manchester United's hands.
+
Although he isn't as good as he was two years ago, now he's even better!
+
We don't condone the looting and violence.  But the police used a water
cannon to put out a lighted match and inflamed the situation.
+
You know what they say - don't get mad, get angry...
+
Football today would certainly not to be the same if it had never existed.
+
Those are the sort of doors that get opened if you don't close them.
+
It was so tangible I could almost reach out and touch it.
+
The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with
absolutely no talent.
+
German is the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using
a sick bag on a 747.
+
France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the
toilet paper.
+
From Hamlet to Kierkegaard, the word "Danish" has been synonymous with
fun, fun, fun.
+
It is not impossible to govern the Italians, it is merely useless.
+
Spain - a country that has sold its soul for cement and petrol and can only
be saved by a series of earthquakes.
+
If there is no Portuguese word for blarney, there should be.
+
The Greeks - impoverished descendants of a bunch of la-de-da fruit salads
who invented democracy and then forgot how to use it while walking around
dressed up like girls.
+
A Belgian is a hell living on Earth.
+
Continental people have sex lives - the English have hot-water bottles.
+
He is without a doubt the greatest sweeper in the world.  I'd say,
at a guess.
+
Haji has been probably the best player on the field without any question.
+
The ball sounds hollow to me.
+
Czechoslovakia ahead a goal to nil - that's a win if it stays that way.
+
A semi-final is, as we all know, a semi-final - it's the old cliche.
+
There's no such thing as an easier route, but it's an easier route.
+
And they've visibly grown in stature - even the 5ft 6in Ramirez.
+
He (Van Basten) was lucky to not avoid getting sent off.
+
At 34 nobody will feel the heat more than him.
+
All the argentinians swarmed around him - most of all Maradona.
+
Because there is such a big difference in  times, the matches will be
recorded and shown either before or afterwards.
+
Brain Moore: "...the whistle's gone, Ray Houghton clearly 4 or 5 yards offside"
Ron Atkinson:"Yes, but for me that's when Houghton is at his most dangerous."
+
There are two ways of getting the ball - one way is from your own players,
and that's the only way.
+
That ball was glued to his right foot, all the way to the back of the net.
+
This night of disappointment has been brought to you by ITV and 
National Power.
+
Gerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his 
helmet off.
+
Washington could not tell a lie;  Nixon could not tell the truth;
Reagan could not tell the difference.
+
I would not want Jimmy Carter and his men put in charge of snake control
in Ireland.
+
Lyndon Johnson's strategy is too slick to talk about and so subtle that
only a few fellow con men appreciate it.
+
Do you realise the responsibility I carry?  I'm the only person standing
between Richard Nixon anf the White House.
+
If I talk over people's heads, Ike must talk under their feet.
+
How can they tell?
+
We've got the kind of president who thinks arms control means some kind
of deodorant.
+
Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America.
Now he's unknown throughout the world.
+
He told us he was going to take crime out of the streets.  He did.
He took it into the damn White House.
+
Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
+
Marry me, Emily, and I'll never look at any other horse.
+
Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon, we have the stars.
+
I now pronounce you men and wives.
+
He didn't drop the bat.  It fell out of his hand.
+
Mansell, Senna, Prost.  Put them in any order and you end up with the
same three drivers.
+
Top scorer so far is Watkinson with his 50 or Atherton with his 40.
+
In many ways this is Allan Lamb.
+
That's another nail in what looks like being a very good score.
+
'Handipaks' of screws always contain too few or too many for the job.
+
Paint never looks the same on the wall as it does on the colour chart.
+
Wallpaper is an animate object.
+
If you have the right-sized washer, you have the wrong-sized spanner to
unscrew the tap, and visa versa.
+
Swearing increases in inverse proportion to the amount of work completed.
+
All jobs require at least one extra visit to the DIY centre.
+
Few people ever fully recover from sanding wooden floors.
+
There is no job so small that it can't be made longer by listening
to advice.
+
'Like putty in your hands' takes on a new and depressing meaning.
+
The only easy part of wallpapering is lining draws with the roll which
is always left over.
+
Money wont but you happiness, but it will pay the salary of a large
research staff to study the problem.
+
If Michael and Carol haven't got it, it must be pretty difficult, so if
you haven't got it at home, well done.
+
I ran into Billy Idol at a soiree this morning.
+
The temperature has shot up a little bit.
+
... and Dickie Bird standing there with his neck between his shoulders.
+
And the gap, which was just under five seconds, is now just over four.
+
Why is there always one teaspoon left in the bowl after you've done the
washing-up?
+
Why does grass smell only when you mow it?
+
Why is there always a coffee stain on page 63 of your library book?
+
Why can you never buy a bottle of shampoo without 25 percent extra in it?
+
Why is there no heating outside, where it's really cold?
+
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
+
Why did Shakespeare use so many famous quotations in his work?
+
Why does a ringing telephone take precedence over everything else in the
known universe?
+
Why do floorboards creak only after midnight?
+
Why do butterflies lives for such a short time, when eating cabbage is
supposed to be so healthy?
+
The big difference between UNIX and VMS:
To do anything on UNIX, you need to know an obscure command.
To do anything on VMS, you need to know an obscure option to SET.
+
Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific.  It is IN the
pacific.  It is a part of the United States that is an island that is
right here.
+
God is real unless decared integer.
+
What urge will save us now that sex won't.
+
File names are infinite in length where infinity is set to 255 characters.
+
Speaking on the fans of "The Simpsons":
I have this comic strip calles 'Life In Hell', which runs in 200 newspapers,
and I get alot of fan mail from generally articulate, literate people.
And now I walk down the street and I see people wearing Simpsons T shirts
who I'm afraid might beat me up, so the quality of fans has broadened.
The people who are my fans now frighten me.
+
This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left.
+
I don't practice what I preach, because I'm not the kind of person I'm
preaching to.
+
The documentation for this program is obvious, therefore it is left as an
exercise for the grader.
+
COBOL is not dead, it just smells that way.
+
Hmmm... Equality is bad for the country?  Well, at least we know where you
stand now.  I also remember a lot of your ilk saying things about how the
ERA was going to require unisex bathrooms.  Equality is not the same as
identical.  If you can't get that straight, you're going to have a lot of
trouble programming in C.
+
In Communism's central planning, citizens are told "You will make widgets".
In Capitalism's advertising, citizens are told "You will buy widgets".
+
UNIX: It's a nice place to live, but you wouldn't want to visit there.
+
A project can not be considered complete until the total height of the
viewgraphs produced exceeds the height of the shortest PI.
+
It's not that simple, no matter how you wish it so.  You made public
statements from a position of false authority;  now you're having them
shoved down your throat.  Welcome to netnews.
+
"Here's on for you.  What's an 8 letter word for 'Love?'"
"Moisture"
+
"Never know on Death's door.  Ring the bell and run away.  Death really
 hates that"
+
Courage is the willingness of a person to stand up for his beliefs in the
face of great odds.  Chutzpah is doing the same thing wearing a Mickey
Mouse hat.
+
Real programmers are a figment of the imagination.
+
Real programmers detest candy-ass architects.  Candy-ass architects won't
allow Execute instructions to address another execute.  Real programmers
despise petty restrictions.
+
Real programmers disdain structures programming.  Structures programming
is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet trained.  They
wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clean
desk.
+
Real programmers don't believe in schedules.  Planners make up schedules.
Managers firm up schedules.  Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.
Real programmers ignore schedules.
+
Real programmers don't bring paper bag lunches.  If the vending machine
sells it, they eat it.  If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't
eat it.  Vending machines don't sell quiche.
+
Real programmers don't comment their code.  If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand.
+
Real programmers don't document.  Documentation is for simps who can't
read the listings oof the object deck.
+
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Cavemen drew flowcharts,
and look how much good it did them.
+
Real programmers don't drive cars, or any other complicated mechanical
contrivance.  Walking or bicycling are okay.  If a real programmer's
bicycle breaks down he has a technicial fix it.
+
Real programmers don't write applications programs, they program right 
down to the BARE METAL.  Applications programming is for feebs who can't
do systems programming.
+
Real programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be
written in one line.
+
Real programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually no programmers write in
BASIC after the age of twelve.
+
Real programmers don't write in COBOL.  COBOL is for wimpy applications
programmers.
+
Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress
freaks and crystallography weenies.
+
Real programmers don't write in LISP.  Only dweeb programs contain more
parentheses than actual code.
+
real programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of these
pinky computer science languages.  Strong typing is for people with weak
memories.
+
Real programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for gutless people who
can't decide whether they want COBOL or FORTRAN.
+
Real programmers don't write specs - users should consider themselves
lucky to get any programs at all, and take what they get.
+
Real programmers have no use for managers.  Managers are a necessary evil.
They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior
planners, and other mental defectives.
+
Real programmers like vending machine popcorn.  Coders pop it in the
microwave oven.  Real programmers use the heat from the CPU.  They can
tell which jobs are running from the rate of popping.
+
Real programmers never grow old.  They suffer from burnouts, monumental
crashes, or bugs in their DNA.
+
Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic.  The decimal point was
invented for pansy bed-wetters who are unable to think big.
+
The Algol compiler used at Case Institute of Technology, after finding
25 errors in the source (eg. like you spelt BEGIN as BEGNI), would print
  "At this point, we suggest you try re-reading the manual."
+
Programming by Monte Carlo methods is frowned upon.
+
Installing unix fixes the [VMS] bug.
+
If we can't fix it, it isn't broken.
+
Never test for a bug you don't know how to fix.
+
A feature is a bug with seniority.
+
The proper basis for marriage is a mutual misunderstanding.
+
There's nothing in the world like the devotion of a married women;
it's the thing no married man knows anything about.
+
Modern women understand everything except their husbands.
+
Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious;
both are disappointed.
+
1. Next door's firework display is always better.
+
2. The catherine wheel if guaranteed to fly off the tree.
3. If it doesn't, it spins once and then gets stuck.
+
4. The firework you save till the end is a big disappointment.
+
5. The fire fizzles out before you've had time to serve the
   baked potatoes.
+
6. The milk bottle falls over just as the biggest rocket is about
   to take off.
+
7. Boys want to light bangers, but end up holding sparklers.
+
8. Someone loses a filling in a toffee apple.
+
9. Your lawn is never the same again.
+
10. Everyone agrees it was a total waste of money.
+
Ayatollah Khomeini will one day be viewed as some kind of a saint.
+
In all likelihood, world inflation is over.
+
Read my lips - no new taxes.
+
No woman in my time will be Prime Minister or Foreign Secretary, not the 
top jobs - anyway, I wouldn't want to be Prime Minister.
+
Iran is an island of stability in one of the most volatile parts of
the world.
+
Anyone who looks for a source of power in the transformation of the atom
is talking moonshine.
+
Let us begin by commiting ourselves to the truth, to see it like it is and
to tell it like it is, to find the truth, to speak the truth and to live
with the truth.
+
This picture is going to be one of the biggest white elephants of all time.
+
We believe that a centre party would have no roots, no principles,
no philosophy and no values.
+
Before losing a Test series 3-0 to the West indies:
We will make them grovel.
+
You've got to be cruel to be cruel.
+
She looked like her face was set on fire, and put out with a cricket bat.
+
It's a good job I'm not colour blind because both teams are playing in
black and white.
+
Your ambition, is that right - to abseil across the Channel?
+
We've got some good players and so have they - that's the difference.
+
It was a game of three halves.
+
There's one that hasn't been cancelled because of the Arctic conditions
- it's been cancelled because of a frozen pitch.
+
The length of the war depends on how long it might be.
+
Saddam Hussein may still have Scud missiles up his sleeve.
That could be his last throw of the dice further down the road.
+
It was unexpexted because it happened at a time when we didn't 
think it would.
+
This is an unprecedented incident but we do know it has happened before.
+
Simon Bates: So what do you do?
Soldier:     I'm an electrician.
Simon Bates: So what's that in layman's terms?
+
And today will go down in history as January 17 1991.
+
On Iraqi offer to withdraw:
A bogus sham!
+
The pilots described it as a turkey shoot because the Iraqis
were sitting ducks.
+
I'm not saying that the Ministry of Defence in London does not have the
whole picture of what is going on, but they only have a partial one.
+
This is not a news blackout, I just can't tell you anything.
+
That was a strategic target, which I prefer to call a strategic target.
+
We seem to have unleashed a hornets nest.
+
The other car collided with mine, without giving warning of it's intentions.
+
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand 
through it.
+
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
+
A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife's face.
+
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
+
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
+
I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal
joinys gave way, causing me to have an accident.
+
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared to stop
in time to avoid the accident.
+
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
+
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
+
An invisible car came out of nowhere, stuck my car and vanished.
+
I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the 
street when I struck him.
+
I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.
+
The telephone pole was approaching fast, I attempted to swerve out of
it's way, when it struck the front of my car.
+
I hit a bus stop sign which was obscured by people.
+
The gentleman behing me struck me on the backside.  He then went to rest
in the bush with just his rear end showing.
+
When I saw that I could not avoid collision, I stepped on the accelerator
and subsequently crashed into the other car.
+
The accident happened when the right front door of a car came around the
corner without giving any signal.
+
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid
by steering it into the other vehicle.
+
I had been learning to drive with power steering, I turned the wheel to
what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going
in the opposite direction.
+
King's Cross is an area where terrible things happen to people, 
to buildings, to cars, to trains, usually while you wait, 
and if you weren't careful you could easily end up involved in a
challenging dialogue yourself.
+
About King's Cross Station:
You could have a cheap car radio fitted while you waited, and if you turned 
your back for a couple of minutes, it would be removed while you waited 
as well.  
+
Other things you could have removed while you waited were your wallet, 
your stomach lining, your mind and your will to live.  The muggers and 
pushers and pimps and hamburger salesmen, in no particular order, could
arrange these things for you.
+
Davies: And what do you do for a living?
Listener: I'm a freelance writer.
Davies: Really?  Who do you work for?
Listener: Er... Myself.
+
I like dolphins.  If dolphins were human, I'd be a dolphin.
+
It's as if there's a laser beam in his chest attracting the ball.
+
Some songs were released one year and in the charts the next,
and visa versa.
+
...and tonight we have the added ingredient of Kenny Dalglish 
not being here.
+
Marraige is a good deal like taking a hot bath - 
not so hot once you get used to it.
+
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men
for the attention of one.
+
All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterwards
that causes all the trouble.
+
Marriage is a triumph of habit over hate.
+
The most labour-saving device today is still a husband with money.
+
Marriage is a lot like the army - 
everyone complains but you'd be surprised 
by the large number that re-enlist.
+
Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
+
Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of
beer to his taste, he should at once throw up his job and go to work
in the brewery.
+
Marriage demands the greatest understanding of the art of insincerity
possible between two human beings.
+
And 1st division Luton have haunted themselves with their own play.
+
They've pinpointed a date for the concert 
-- it's something between June and September.
+
We're both agreed - we'll do the programme from Bogota, Columbia,
when New Kids are on the Block there...
+
And again the game's turned round on it's head.
+
So nip up to the loft and check out your old singles to see if 
there are any that were played a lot on the radio, but you never 
got around to buying.
+
A scrum to Ireland, who have their tails up right under the Welsh crossbar.
+
If Everton were playing down at the bottom of my garden,
I'd draw the curtains.
+
About Martina Navratilova:
It's hard playing against a man.
+
On Leighton James:
You're very deceptive, son, you're even slower than you look.
+
Ted Dexter is to journalism what Danny La Rue is to rugby league.
+
Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife.
+
The only time our girls looked good at the Munich Olympics was in the
village discotheque between 9 and 11 every night.
+
He had done as much for the image of our sport as Cyril Smith would 
for handgliding.
+
Billie-Jean King's father put her into tennis to stop her 
being a women wrestler.
+
I thought he was one of the human race - but he is not.
+
I've seen him shadow boxing and the shadow won.
+
1. At least five buses go by in the opposite direction before 
   yours arrives.
+
2. The one day you have the exact fare is the day it goes up.
+
3. If you hail a taxi, your bus trundles into view just as you get in.
+
4. If you're at the front of the queue, the driver comes to a halt
   at the back.
+
5. The more crowded the bus, the more likely you'll be carrying
   a newly bought duvet.
+
6. The stationary bus you've run for won't move for 15 minutes.
+
7. Buses turn up within seconds of your lighting a cigarette.
+
8. It's still a mystery why three turn up at once.
+
9. Nobody ever gives up their seat for you.
+
10.If you start to walk, a bus appears when you are exactly 
   halfway between stops.
+
Two of the worst things we teach our children are that a knowledge
of science is nice but not necessary, and a knowledge of sex is
necessary but not nice.
+
No one gossips about other people's secret virtues.
+
A gossip is a person with a keen sense of humour.
+
Hating anything in the way of ill-natured gossip ourselves, 
we are always grateful to those who do it for us and do it well.
+
A good gossip is a wonderful tonic.
+
She always tells stories in the present vindictive.
+
Life is like a sewer-
What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
+
To be or not to be
That is the question
+
Call the Tower of Power BBS! [617] 484-xxxx
4 lines - 9 gigs - Running ViSiON/2
+
