By: Dan Izzo

            Kuffnuttle in The IzZone!
    by Dan Izzo (Zorgon!, The Vulcan Death Flea, Kuffnuttle)

  It was a cold and dark day in the wastelands. I was awakened early in the
morning, and I grabbed my bags and equipment and headed for the Wastelands
Transport Systems bus to arrive. I boarded the WTS, and began the long trip
out. Little did I know what awaited me.
  Zzexon, the commander of the complex (As appointed by his late father),
had decided that with my excellent skills I could probably help out at
The Kitty's Domain, a small outpost similar to our own, very far south.
It was a place they called "The IzZone", and from the rumors I'd heard it
was a pretty nasty place. I wasn't too keen on visiting it, but Zzexon
insisted that Zorgon (Who was in charge of The Kitty's Domain) needed my
expert skills, and so they shipped me off to The IzZone.
  When I arrived, 2 months later, I was eager to help out. The Complex was
totally different from ours on the outside, but I would later discover that
the inside design was quite similar. The outside walls seemed to be made
mainly from metal, probably scavenged from old wrecked space ships and
demolished Air Bases, but there were also other materials incorporated,
ranging from wood and plastic blocks to what appeared to be bones! This
building was certainly less advanced than ours. There was also multi-
colored spray paint covering a large part of the complex. "Overkill is
a weenie" "Hydrites Suck". Certainly none of these statements were
argueable.
  I wanted to rush straight out to the wastelands and bash some hydrite
bottoms with my trusty Xendrix, but I remembered I didn't have it. The
damn inventory managers at the Complex had insisted that I leave them
here, since they were technically property of the HX-909 force. I'd left
all my equipment there, and I'd only brought a couple thousand water
crystals. The rest I'd left at home for Helga and little Kuffie, until
I got back.  I walked into the equipment room, which was not unlike ours,
and spoke to the manager. Several minutes later I walked out with a Steel
Chain, 700 less crystals, and a disdainful glance from the salesman. I
bought a medpack from the medical centre, and headed out into the waste-
lands.
  As I walked along I was surprised to hear a deep guttural voice yelling
at me. When I turned to see what it was I looked in horror at the great
beast that leapt up at me from behind a rock. I recognized it from the
literature I'd read on the WTS over as a Mutant Camel. It was something
peculiar to this region, that I'd never seen over in our neck of the woods.
  I gritted my teeth and drew up my pathetic weapon. Fortunately, the Camel
didn't have a range weapon either, so I could get close enough to him to
hit. He was armed with a Salanger, only marginally better than my chain.
I rushed at him, and swung the chain. I was distressed as it flew right by
his head. I was out of practice from all the time on the WTS with no
practice. My only combat then had been Wasteland Fighter II in the arcades
along the way when we stopped to rest (Quite a ripoff at 25 Crystals a
play, but one needs SOMETHING for entertainment). It wasn't until this
moment that I realized how out of shape I really was. I even seemed to
have a bit of a pot-belly. I was sure Helga would not be pleased. I was
glad to see that the Mutant Camel was also a bit of an oaf, so I didn't
get hurt too badly. I swung again, and my weapon just barely clipped his
ear. He didn't seem in any great pain.   "You damn clumsy fool," I whispered
to myself "why didn't you keep in shape while you were travelling?"
  It was just like starting over, like being a young child. No weapons, no
skill. I was genuinely pathetic.
  A managed to dodge the monster's next few swings. At least that skill I'd
maintained. I finally managed to hit him. And a good hit it was. My chain
smashed straight into his forehead, and blood splattered everywhere. He fell
backwards, and I took the advantage to hit him again. Soon he lay dead on
the ground. I wasn't without wounds though, so I pulled out the Medpack and
put Band-aids <tm> on the larger cuts. I searched the camel, and found a
thousand crystals and some food. I also took his Salanger, at least it was
better than my current weapon, but not much.
  Just then I was startled to hear a voice coming from my wrist. I looked
down and remembered the watch communicator they'd given me when I arrived
at The Kitty's Domain. I had totally forgotten about it! It was one of the
switchboard operators from the complex, telling me that I could come back
now for dinner and some training, after my first kill. He also told me some
less exciting news, which was that I had contracted Delyria from the Mutant
Camel. What a waste!
  I walked back to the complex, still marveling at the watch communicators.
It was certainly something we didn't have back where I came from.
  I was treated to a Dr. Pepper in the bar by some of the other recruits,
who congratulated me on my progess so far. I was also allowed to use the
cafeteria, where I bought some food. I tried to talk to the Bartender, but
was unsuccesful in communicating with him. He didn't seem very intelligent
anyway, so I let it go. As I write this story I can't even recall his name,
though I believe it sounded not unlike "Barf". I also had a relaxing chat
with a few other soldiers, and played a few games of Meat Darts. I was still
good at that, having practiced along the way (The WTS had a games room,
which included a dart board). The next day I woke up early and went into
the Training Room, where I practiced for several hours trying to improve
my dexterity. I could feel my skill coming back as I fought the holo-
gramatic Hydrite. I bought some more Medpacks and a galacticom from the
supply room, and then I ventured into the wastelands again.
  Having practiced a bit more with my weapons, and carrying several Med-
packs I was zealous and eager for combat. My wish was soon satisfied, as
I heard a loud buzzing sound behind me. I whipped around to see a HUGE wasp,
far bigger than I'd seen before. In my surprise I hastily hurled my steel
chain into the beats head, which seemed to cause it a bit of damage. It
was a good enough use as any for that piece of junk. The creature was
startled, so as it recovered from it's shock I closed in and slashed it
several times with my Salanger. The battle was quick and bloody. It wasn't
a very powerful creature, and the blow in the head certainly to softened
it up a bit. I was about to reach down to make sure the creature was dead,
and check to see if it had any crystals folded away in it's wings, but I
saw it's body glow with radiation from the wastelands, and thought
better of it.
  An uneventful hour or so later I was scouting around behind some huge rock
walls, hoping to find a hole leading to the next level, when I was attacked
by a large ant. This wasn't as much surprise to me as the wasp had been.
I'd faced many of these before. I finished him off, but not without sustain-
ing several wounds. Before I could reach for my medical kit I heard the tell-
tale buzzing noise again, and I reached for my Salanger, hoping to hit it
before it had a chance at me. Unfortunately, I missed, and he slammed me
down onto the ground. I leaped up again as soon as I could, and wildly swung
my Salanger, which hit him square in the abdomen. That was apparently all
it took, as he fell to the ground, split in two. I gaped at the sight, and
walked in the other direction, not wanting to search the carnage for any
crystals. Yes, I am a bit squeamish, as warriors go. But still a warrior
to be reckoned with. I also began to wonder what was with all these bugs.
We'd had insects in my area, but never to this extent.
  It was beginning to get dark, so I began the trek back to the complex,
hoping I could remember the way. All the cliffs and mountains made seeing
very far away difficult, if not impossible. As I rounded one particularly
large boulder I encountered a large glowing mass, which slowly slithered
towards me. I'd faced them before, but ones I had seen had generally been
somewhat larger than this one, so I doubted it would be much of a problem.
I had been distracted in my attempts to navigate the wastelands, and I had
forgotten that I was lightly wounded. I didn't realize till I began the
fight that I was starting to waver. I fought for a few minutes, and
managed to dodge a lot of the blows, since the ooze wasn't very agile,
but I was having trouble hitting it, and soon I had to escape. I threw
some crystals at it, and started to bolt, gradually dropping more crystals
as I went. The monster obviously didn't understand their value, but appeared
to be interested. It carefully scrounged them all up into a pile, and pushed
them along with him. He seemed to have lost interest in me, but I didn't
stay to find out. I ran all the way back to the complex.  That evening I
trained some more in the Training Room, and felt my skills quickly returning
to me. After a full meal in the bar I went to bed. The next day I awoke
early to venture out again.   I was only a few feet out of the complex
when I felt my feet slipping. I tried to escape, but I found myself
slowly sinking into the ground, unable to move.
I was soon totally imbedded in the mud, and after a while I found myself
lying on barren terrain, covered in mud. I had fallen through! I brushed
myself off, and took stock of my status. I didn't seem to be wounded, but
I didn't know where I was. I needed to get back up, as I wasn't yet
prepared to take on the monsters down here. Unfortunately, searching
the entire area revealed no holes upwards, and a huge stone wall surrounded
the entire area. A voice called to me from behind, and I saw a middle aged
man, pushing a cart. Hoping he would be friendly I shouted back to him.
Then I noticed the sign on his cart, and it's contents. They were human
heads.
  Before I could react the man had drawn his Exavator and fired at me. I
stumbled back, reeling from the blow, and rushed towards him as soon as I
could, twirling my Salanger. I managed to hit him before he could draw his
Natase, but his own blow was equally forceful. I was losing, and I knew it.
I struck at him with all my might, and produced a large gap in his chest. He
roared in pain, and wildly flailed his weapon. Fortunately, he was too angry
to aim properly, and the Natase swept by my arm. I grabbed it as it flew by,
and forcefully ripped it out of his hand before he could stop me. He jumped
back, but I was too quick.
  He lay on the ground, his own weapon imbedded in his head. I pulled the
Natase out again, and searched his body. He had some rations, one of which
I ate, and a couple thousand crystals and an Exavator. Unfortunately, this
put me no nearer to the complex, it only lowered my strength even more.
I began my search again, in vain. There was nothing to be found. It seemed
that my only hope was to wait here, and hope someone found me. I realized
the chances weren't great, and I wished I'd been better prepared, and
brought a Transmitter with me. I heaved a deep sigh, and pulled out my
last medical kit, bandageing my new wounds.
I could see that it was almost empty. This was not good.
  I stopped to contemplate where the Vendor had come from, because he must
have entered this area somehow after I did. I glanced over at one of the
large cliffs which kept me confined here, and saw small caves etched into it.
Aha!  Maybe I had a chance. They looked fairly small though, and I wasn't
sure if I could pass through them. The vendor had been a scrawny sort of
person, and I was far larger than him. I was about to go to investigate,
when a shot zipped by my ear. I turned to face a massive scarred man, who
was aiming a Raxhaven on me, as if about to take another shot, but instead
he grabbed his TransAxe and rushed towards me. I drew out my rather pathetic
looking Natase and took on a defensive position, hoping I would survive
this fight.  I was amazed as I saw the warrior slip down to the ground,
and even more amazed as I saw him sucked into the pit below. It was the same
thing that had happened to me, before. Although I wasn't very hopeful I
decided it was worth a try. I jumped into the same hole myself, and soon
found myself amid more barren terrain.
  It seemed like days I wandered. I lost all track of time, fumbling around
the wastelands, fleeing from any monsters I saw. Finally, after what I later
discovered must have been a week of travel, I found my sacred treasure... A
hole leading upwards. I was so overjoyed, I rushed to the hole, threw up my
hemp rope, and shuffled up. Unfortunately, I quickly realized I was no better
off than before. I stood in a small area of land that was enclosed by rocky
outcroppings. I walked along until I found an exit, and proceeded along. In
a few hours I was once again hopelessly lost.
  Soon nightfall came, and I rested my pack on the ground and set up camp. I
knew I had no hope, and I hardly felt it was worth waking up the next
morning.  As I settled down to sleep, I heard a loud cracking in the bushes,
then a shout.
  I leapt up, listening eagerly to the sound coming from the foliage behind
me.  I heard sounds of combat, and after a minute of frantic struggling, I
heard a gurgling sound, then a soft thud.
  A man wearing an HX-909 uniform entered my camp site. I was so surprised
to see another recruit that I found myself speechless. He was dragging a dead
Hydrite body behind him.
  He hailed me. "Hey! You're that new guy, aint'cha? What's the name...
Hunffkuttle or something."
  The mangling of my name, however, brought my vocal chords back into action
immediately. I had always been rather proud of my name, having been named
after my father, and couldn't tolerate it being mispronounced.
  "That's KUFFNUTTLE," I replied stiffly.
  "Hey, no problem," said the other recruit. "Kuffnuttle. I'll remember that.
So, having some trouble, are we?" He continued, sensing my predicament.
  I decided that I couldn't gain anything by being defensive, and that he
was probably my only hope of ever seeing the surface again, so I began
telling him my story.
  "Ah, hell! That's no problem... " He said cheerfully "We'll get you back
up to the complex in no time. C'mon, let's get some sleep, and we'll head
back up tomorrow."
  I agreed, and went to sleep.

  And so ended the beginning of my career in the IzZone. I continued to rise
in status, and eventually defeated the famed Overkill himself. But that's
another story.

From:  The Wizard'S Kitty BBS - Calgary, AB

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