

                            The Mail's In!

                    The Fine Art of Techno-Gibberish

                           (c) 1995 by Jim Gunn

  There was a hiccup on the net and the following messages I sent to
  alt.pointless got posted here by mistake.


  mw>Jim, you're a professional and I need some clarification on
  mw>something.  If you're not too busy doing INI nerd stuff, could you
  mw>explain the difference between the preview release of Windows 95
  mw>and shareware? ... mable.wicks@somewhat.com

  Why sure, Mable. I'll just shut down the Killer Morphs from Pluto game
  and will enlighten you.

  You see, shareware is a means of distributing working copies of
  programs. Generally, they are limited a bit in their functions but you
  get to see what they do and how they do it. You can use them for a
  specified period of time. If you're pleased, and want to keep using the
  software, you send in a registration fee and will receive the real
  thing.

  You can download shareware from an on-line service or BBS, or you can
  order it from a distribution company. The cost is roughly the same if
  you have to pay connect charges or long distance fees, usually around $3
  per program or about the same per disk to have a distributor mail them
  to you.

  Windows 95 preview, - that's a whole different thing! What happens here
  is you get a working copy of the program, which is limited in that all
  the features aren't ready yet. You can use it for a limited time, or in
  this case until late August. If you decide that you like it, you can
  then buy the final version which will be, hopefully,  - ready!

  Distributing a preview is different, too. For example, Windows 95
  preview comes on a CD along with twelve diskettes. Including tax, tag
  and dealer prep, this comes to about $36. Now if you were to order
  twelve diskettes from a distributor, that would also come to a total of
  $36.

  HH>Hey, if you can break away from all your hi-tech wheeling and
  HH>dealing for a few minutes, could you offer any advice on what
  HH>system I should buy in order to have the latest and greatest
  HH>technology in the world? You see, I feel that I need bragging
  HH>rights when I tell everyone what I have.
  HH>harry.hitech@we.still.run.cpm.com

  Sure friend, glad to. I just finished some emergency plumbing repairs
  down in the scary basement, really a crawl space, and haven't started on
  another project yet. Yuck!

  First of all, you need to be aware that there never was, and never will
  be, the latest and greatest technology. CPUs are an excellent example. A
  seventy gz (gazillion) megahertz model is announced. Vendors all claim
  to have a new system using that CPU. Unfortunately, there is a six month
  lead time because the new CPU really isn't being manu-factured yet. All
  they have are some prototypes to test with. So you go ahead and order
  the seventy and are told soon, very soon.    This really means you
  have a six month's wait before actual delivery.

  In the meantime, five months later, an eighty gz (gazillion) megahertz
  model is announced. This way, when your new system actually arrives it
  is at least into a month of obsolesence.  At this point, you must
  understand that you wont be able to read any of the current crop
  computer magazines without crying real tears for the rest of the year.
  Your brand new seventy gz (gazillion) megahertz $5000 system is now
  priced at $2500. If you had  waited a few months longer you could have
  gotten the eighty gz (gazillion) for what you paid and found that the
  ninety gz (gazillion) megahertz model had just been announced.

  In spite of all this, even though you won't have ultimate bragging
  rights, you will have something that you can't type fast enough to keep
  up with regardless of which model you get. They all exceeded your
  keyboarding capacity several years ago.

  Think deeply on that, my friend!


  TH>Mr. Gunn, help! I see that you are an INI nerd and know all
  TH>about the contents of all those control files.

  TH>My system displays black text on a white background just fine.
  TH>However, I have the uncontrollable desire to change it to red on a
  TH>purple screen with title bars in dull orange. I'd also like to change
  TH>the look of all the 3D buttons to round rather than rectangular.
  TH>Could you tell me what lines to change in my INI files?
  TH>tim.hands@strange.edu

  Just finished an intense cookie and dog biscuit session with Lady, my
  office manager, so I'll take a brief break and offer advice.

  Format your hard drive, then either sell the system or donate it to a
  charity. Join the peace corps or another useful service. You obviously
  have nothing meaningful to do with a computer.

  SR>Jimbo. What is the meaning of life? Why does my monitor
  SR>flicker?
  SR>snide.remark@doggie.org

  Well, being in-between massive projects at the moment and having read
  all my E-mail, I think I can safely answer that. First let me address
  life.

  For normal people, it is a process of growth, pain, discovery and
  futility. There are good times and bad, things that are desired and
  things that are achieved. It is a condition that lasts for only a finite
  period yet the duration is different and unknown for everyone. It is an
  adventure that one didn't ask to go on, but no one wants the journey to
  end. Life is a sorrowful joy.

  To INI nerds, life is understanding what

       UseScreenOnThursdays=000.210.0043,75,006
       SweepBothMiddleSections=PERHAPS
       KeyboardUseAforB=C

  means in WIN.INI and actually caring. It is the course we take towards
  understanding why anyone bothers with the Internet or why people buy
  cellular phones. Discovery of the true meaning of the 640K barrier and
  the search for a final and absolute definition of what the term "client
  server" actually means are driving forces. We progress in stages
  throughout the term of our existence until we finally reach an age,
  where when faced with Windows 95's explorer, we discover that our mind
  set is; "This is stupid! What was so wrong with File Manager?"  It is
  the realization that we have acquired deep and unshakable religious
  convictions about the particular word processor or backup program we
  have finally learned to use well and death to anyone who blasphemes by
  disagreeing.

  Basically, it's a mess.

  Now for the monitor part of your question; I have no idea. Have you
  considered taking it as something personal?


  Jim Gunn is a bearded guy living in Salt Lake City, UT (a.k.a. Salt
  Puddle) who smokes Benson & Hedges menthols. He actually has a thirteen
  year old blue merle collie named Lady who acts as office manager and
  Pollyanna to clients, deliverymen and employees. As a sideline, he is
  president of Sterling Consulting and is officially considered
  certifiable ... even by Microsoft (case #1198).




                                      ww


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