


  Getting Warped!                                         A Fable !

  A Trip to the Twilight Zone            (c) 1995  by John Campbell

  Looking back, it started just as any other day.  If only I had  known
  how that day, and those to follow, would change my life.  They say I
  can go home soon so maybe  I can make a fresh start.   But I'm getting
  way ahead of my story.   Let me introduce myself.  My name is John
  Campbell.  I liked to think that I was a reasonably normal person.  I
  had a job, friends, nice neighbors.  But that was before OS/2 Warp
  entered my life.

  The place where I worked used a lot of IBM terminal equipment. The IBM
  Man, as we called him, occasionally showed up to repair something that
  had quit working.  Usually, we struck up a conversa- tion particularly
  since I had been bitten by the computer bug. We liked to trade notes
  about the latest and greatest in technology.  Now,  I'm no expert,
  understand, but I like to think I know enough about computers to be
  dangerous.

  Don, the IBM Man, always ended these encounters by asking if I  had
  switched to OS/2 yet.  He preached OS/2 with the fervor of a born-again
  Christian testifying at a tent revival meeting.  I was "letting the
  world pass me by," he warned.  I ended these conversations by telling
  him I was satisfied with Windows.  At this, Don always retreated,
  muttering to himself.

  As time passed, I noticed that the computer magazines were  doing more
  articles on OS/2.  The writers seemed especially  impressed with the
  newest incarnation - Warp.  They were saying things like:
  "User-friendly - easy to install - runs DOS & Windows programs
  seamlessly -the Operating System of the Future."

  Finally, my curiosity got the better of me.  I decided to give Warp a
  spin while awaiting the long-promised computing revolution  from
  Redmond, which, as the months passed, appeared to be more myth then
  reality.  So, what if there were rumors of installation headaches?  I
  felt up to the challenge .  I sent off my order, and waited.

  I spent the next day telling my friends and the local computer guru
  types about the adventure I was about to undertake.  The word spread
  like lightning through the entire community.  My friends at the local
  computer consulting firm shook their heads in disbelief.

  "OS/2?  Are you out of your mind, Campbell?

  Aren't you getting a little too old to be asking for that kind of
  trouble?" seemed to be the general consensus.  Even the hackers who
  frequented the local BBS were abuzz at the news.  One teen commented to
  another, "This Campbell must be some awesome dude, man."

  While awaiting Warp, I perused the Compuserve, BBS and Usenet
  conferences devoted to OS/2 in general, Warp in particular.  A lot of
  activity here, I soon discovered.  I was troubled by some of the message
  topics, such as "It ate my Computer," "How do I  get rid of this thing?"
  and "O Dear God, help me."  Several  messages even asked for the Suicide
  Prevention Hotline number. I began to have doubts, but it was too late
  now.  I had committed myself.  I quickly scanned headers, saving a
  message here and  there for future reference.

  The UPS man showed up at my office the following day with an ordinary
  looking  package.  I eagerly opened it, and beheld the large, white box
  bearing the red OS/2 WARP logo down the side. I immediately asked for
  the rest of the day off.  No time to waste and  I hurried home  with my
  treasure!

  DAY 1

  I opened the package and sorted through the contents of various manuals,
  cards, and a cd-rom with two diskettes.  I read some of the preliminary
  stuff and then appraised my setup.  I had 60 meg free on drive C, so I
  decided on a dual-boot configuration, with Warp installed on C: .  I had
  already read through a compatibility list I retrieved from CIS, and it
  appeared that I might have a problem with my  Hercules Dynamite video
  card, and perhaps my Sony 55E cd-rom drive, but, what the heck, it was
  time to begin the installation!

  I popped the first installation disk into my B: drive.  And then it
  struck me.  This beastie has to be installed from Drive A!  Muttering, I
  pulled the case off my trusty Gateway 486 and began switching ribbon
  connectors on the floppies.  I then rebooted and made the appropriate
  change in the CMOS.  "There," I thought,  "that wasn't so bad. Just a
  minor setback!"  I again slipped the first disk in my machine and
  anxiously waited as the drive churned.  I whooped for joy as the OS/2
  Logo appeared!  "Piece of  cake," I smugly told myself.


  I followed the on-screen instructions to change disks, and watched
  various messages scroll by.  It was now time to access the cd-rom to
  continue.   Then, BLAP!  "Oh no, the dread red screen!"  I had seen
  references to the red screen in the online messages.  Not good,
  Campbell.  Warp was telling me it couldn't find my cd-rom drive.  Time
  to go back and bone up on solutions.

  I found some references to updated drivers for troublesome Sony drives
  on Compuserve.  I searched the OS libraries and came up with some likely
  prospects, which I downloaded.

  This time, no red screen!  Instead, the display informed me that Warp
  was examining . . .installing files . . . updating . . . configuring . .
  . examining . . writing . . updating . . . "How long can this go on," I
  wondered?  Finally, after what seemed hours, Warp announced that it was
  ready to reboot and do its thing.  "Alright," I thought, "this is more
  like it."  The reboot proceeded, and, ... BLAP!  No, not the red screen
  this time, but rather a plain-jane screen proclaiming "TRAP! GOTCHA!
  Write down these twenty-five cryptic numbers and call your technical
  support folks!"  I stared at the message in disbelief.  It was now late
  in the day.  Call IBM?  No way.  I'll just reboot. The three-finger
  salute did nothing... my computer was locked up tight.  So I did a cold
  boot, and, nothing!  No familiar "Loading Ms-Dos".  Instead two strange
  SYS something or other symbols.

  I needed some fresh air, so I decided to go out for a walk.  But, as I
  got up to leave, I felt a cold chill in the room.  It was as though
  something sinister was there with me.  I looked around  but saw nothing.
  I shrugged and left.  Uptown, I passed a bar.

  Heretofore my drinking had been limited to maybe a mixed drink during
  the social hour at the annual hobby convention.  I now felt the need ,
  so I went in, sat down and ordered a Rum and Coke.  That hit the spot so
  well that I had another.

  When I returned home rather late I was determined to recapture my
  computer before calling it a night.  I searched for my trusty DOS boot
  disk.  Aha! Found it.  But wait - it's a 5 1/4 disk so  I had to swap
  drive letters.  Cursing, I opened the case, and reversed the drives,
  then changed the CMOS - again!  OK, I was able to get to my DOS prompt
  and set about the business of getting rid of Warp.  Firing up my trusty
  Xtree, I gasped at the sight of my C drive.  New directories under
  directories, nested under still more directories.  Dozens of them - and
  then my eye caught some strange files in the root directory.  I stared
  in bewilderment at one called EA DATA. SF.  "No wonder this thing
  doesn't work - these files have holes in them," I thought. Muttering, I
  reached for Norton Disk Editor.

  Between Xtree and Norton, I finally excised the last traces of Warp, or
  so I thought.  With a sigh of relief, I rebooted.  BLAP!  I sat stunned,
  as the mysterious SYS jargon reappeared. "Surprise, I'm still here," it
  proclaimed.  I tried to tell myself "get hold of yourself, Campbell,
  don't let this thing whip you."

  Back to the conferences.  Surprisingly, another 400 messages had been
  posted since yesterday.  I waded through the pitiful cries for help
  posted by other Warp newbies.  Several messages led me to believe that
  Warp had tampered with my boot sector.  "The nerve of this thing," I
  muttered . . .  I proceeded to do the  recommended SYS C.  But it was
  still there.  In desperation, I rummaged through my diagnostic disks,
  and finally found a Norton Emergency disk I had prepared earlier, just
  in case.  No question that this qualified as an emergency, so I popped
  it into my machine and told it to restore boot sector, partition tables,
  everything.  Success!  I was able to reboot.

  It was now well past midnight.  Exhausted, I turned away from my
  computer.  "Whoa, what's that?"  For a moment,  I thought that I saw a
  faint image in the room.  And it seemed very cold again.  I told myself
  it was just my imagination.  I had to get some sleep.  I fell,
  exhausted, into bed.

  DAY 2

  I had strange dreams that night- Steve Manes and a bunch of little men
  wearing blue jackets hammering, sawing and using blow torches on my poor
  computer.  I awoke in a cold sweat.  I was supposed to go to work, but I
  called in sick.  This Warp thing had to be tamed.  So I headed straight
  for my computer, armed with a new resolve.  I checked the Warp
  conferences for fresh insight, and was greeted by 650 new messages.
  Undaunted, I began researching my problem.  Time passed.  I discovered
  that I needed something called "Update Installation Diskettes," and a
  "FixPak."  It seemed that first one, then the other had to be run.  But
  wait, to run this FixPak thing I also needed a "kicker" disk, and had to
  create disk "images?"  I haunted online conferences and downloaded files
  for what seemed hours.  Finally, I had all of the necessary ingredients.

  It was past noon, now, and I needed something to take my mind off all
  this techno stuff.  I went to the same bar I had visited yesterday.
  This time, I ordered a whiskey - straight - and proceded to gulp several
  more.

  I was feeling a bit light-headed and giddy when I returned home. Several
  neighbors gave me quizzical looks as I walked down the street.  "What's
  their problem" I wondered, "and  when was that tree moved into the
  middle of the sidewalk?"

  Back at my computer, I made a note to replace the monitor, which had
  become a little blurry.  Strange, I hadn't noticed that defect before.

  It was time to tackle the fixes.  Lets see now, I create Corrective
  Services Facility disks 1 and 2, and FixPak XR0W005 Corrective Service
  disks 1, 2 and 3, being sure to label the latter three disks CSF so that
  they will not be mistaken for the first two.  Huh?  This jargon was
  enough to baffle someone who was stone, cold sober.  I dutifully
  proceeded as instructed and then began the install process again.  The
  phone rang.  It was my boss, asking if I was feeling better and would be
  at work tomorrow.  I told him maybe, and hung up.  Can't be disturbed
  now, I thought.  Again, Warp pondered...  installed... diagnosed....
  updated....   A good half-hour later, it decided it was satisfied, and
  rebooted.  My drives churned, then, the Warp desktop appeared!  Success!
  Yes!

  It was now evening and I hadn't eaten since morning, so I decided to
  take a break.  I hadn't shaved either, but no matter.  I wolfed down a
  hurriedly microwaved frozen something or other, and returned, excitedly,
  to my computer.  It was time to see what Warp was all about.  As I
  entered the room, I was certain that I saw a fleeting image in a corner.
  I looked again, but there was nothing there.  I shrugged and began
  studying the strange new desktop image on the screen.

  I opened the DOS folder.  Five applications stared at me.  But these
  were not stuff I ever used.  "Where are MY programs," I shouted!  I looked
  in the Windows folder.  Only six applications had survived the migration
  to Warp?  "Steady Campbell," I muttered, maybe the good stuff is in this
  Windows-OS/2 folder.  Whew!  My entire Windows desktop!  It was still
  alive!  Time now to run my programs.  I excitedly clicked and double
  clicked here and there.  I began to get that sinking feeling.  Pipeline
  couldn't find a key file, Acrobat sternly scolded me for daring to open it
  in Standard Mode, Groliers couldn't find its database, Zoo Animals claimed
  it didn't exist, and Myst screamed a timer initialization error at me.  As
  for the Windows 3.1 desktop, it merely blinked as I repeatedly clicked it.
  I fled back to the DOS folder.  "I've got to put some good stuff in here,
  surely my trusty DOS programs will run," I thought.

  Without reading the help file (that stuff's for sissies), I opened the
  File Manager thingy, and proceeded to drag my DOS programs to the
  desktop.  Quickly, I clicked my new OzCIS icon.  OZ tried to load, then
  gave up the ghost, complaining that it couldn't find some file.


  QmPro refused to budge.  Not even a blink.  Disgusted, I left, slamming
  the door behind me.  I headed for the bar.

  DAY 3

  It must have been the wee hours of the morning of Day 3 when I staggered
  home.  I don't remember anything more that day.

  I was awakened about noon by the phone ringing.  It was the boss again.
  I made some excuse about seeing a doctor, and hung up. Warp was now an
  obsession.  Surely, I can make it work.  I just need to bone up a bit
  more.  I decided I might as well read the manual, and the online help.
  Hmm, it seems programs have a "Settings Notebook," and there's a bit
  more to adding programs than dragging them from a file listing.  Gee,
  this is getting involved.  The notebook had page after page of settings.
  Too much, Campbell.  I decided to look in the OS/2 folder.  Surely that
  stuff's set up right.  I decided to try the Internet Connection.

  Patiently, I filled in question after question in the dialog boxes.  At
  last, I was ready to go online and get a user account.  My modem dialed,
  then tried to connect, and tried, and tried.  I changed settings and
  tried again.  No connect.  Now I was getting mad.  I decided to go
  through every blasted modem string the program listed, until I found one
  that worked.  Hours passed.  I had tried thirty possibilities, and none
  worked.  I went to the bar.

  As I returned home, I noted that several more trees had been moved into
  the sidewalk, causing me to be rather badly bruised by the time I
  crawled back into my house.  No matter.  I will tame this thing.  I
  hated to admit that it was time to call tech support.  I called the
  number, and was greeted by a menu.  That menu led to another, and to
  still another.  By then, I wasn't sure where I was in the vast labyrinth
  that was IBM tech support.  Finally, I got a number for someone that
  handled connection problems.  It wasn't toll free, but so what.  I
  called the number.  A voice said "hello."  I asked if this was IBM.  The
  voice cursed and hung up on me.  I went back to the bar.

  DAY 4

  Some new friends must have taken me home.  When I awoke, it was midday.
  I decided it was time to shave and get something to eat.  I went out
  into the sunlight.  Neighbors gave me long and wary looks while hustling
  their children back into their houses.  My boss pulled up and demanded
  to know what was going on.  I told him to bug off.  I wouldn't even
  think of returning to work until I had conquered Warp.  He muttered
  something about everyone being expendable, and left, shaking his head.
  I went back inside and headed for my computer.  This time I was certain
  that I saw a strange figure in the room. Whatever it was vanished as
  quickly as it had appeared.  I spent the rest of the day changing
  settings - dozens of them.  I actually got one program to run - briefly.
  I decided to celebrate.  I went to the bar.

  DAYS 5 - ?

  Everything is beginning to run together now.  I lost track of the
  passage of time.  Warp had become an addiction.  I spent hours on end
  changing parameters, following the online conferences, and haunting the
  bar, which by now, was as much my home as the place where the cursed
  computer lived.  I got a pink slip in the mail.  One day I seem to
  remember a priest stopping by, offering to do an exorcism.  The Warp
  people online were exhorting the faithful to hang in there; that the new
  Windows was a wimpy system, and that real men stayed with IBM, no matter
  what the cost.  Still, one poor soul pleaded with the sysop to give him
  Dr. Kevorkian's phone number.

  As for me, I continued to tweak, modify, and generally screw up every
  application I had.  Execution files took on strange new names, never to
  execute again.  Data files became mangled beyond belief or salvation.
  There were online rumors that someone had actually gotten Myst to run
  under Warp.  He became an instant legend.  By now I had actually gotten
  several programs running - I think - as my monitor became more blurry
  with every passing drink - I mean hour.  Finally, my old Windows wheezed
  and spurted to life on the Warp desktop.  I was overjoyed!  At last, I
  had succeeded!  I was now curious to see what would happen if I switched
  to the PC Tools replacement desktop.  I moved my mouse toward the icon.
  Suddenly, I was again aware of a presence in the room.  I could swear I
  heard a chuckle.

  I took a deep breath and clicked on the PC Tools icon.  The new desk-top
  appeared!  But then, strange things began to happen.  The Warp screen
  began to bleed into the new one.  Frantically, I began hitting keys.
  Escape, Break, everything I could think of.  But no use.  Now, my screen
  resembled a piece of Picasso art.  The Warp and PC Tools screens had
  become a montage of interleaved bits and pieces.   And a strange hissing
  noise erupted from inside my computer's case.  It grew louder.  I
  panicked and grappled for the power off switch.  Too late!  My machine
  emitted a final death rattle as it expired.  The monitor blew,
  scattering pieces of Warp and PC Tools all over the room,  knocking me
  to the floor.

  When I regained consciousness, I surveyed the wreckage that once was my
  beloved computer.  I began to cry.  Suddenly, a ghostly figure appeared.
  I rubbed my eyes and stared in amazement.  The apparition looked
  familiar.  It was Bill Gates!  "Sorry about your computer, Campbell,"
  the ghost began.  I have been watching all along, just knowing that
  something like this was going to happen.

  But I am here to offer you salvation."  "How did you do this?," I
  sputtered.  "You can't really be here.  Is this some kind of Virtual
  Reality trick?"  Gates smiled.  He replied "It's not really that hard.
  Remember, we bought the Roman Catholic Church a while back.  Well, now
  we have access to the Vatican's Vision code. They've pretty much kept
  visions all to themselves for centuries, you know.  We modified it and
  now call it 'Visional Reality.'"

  By now, I was sobbing hysterically.  " What do you want" I im- plored.
  Gates, still smiling, held out a box.  "This is your salvation,
  Campbell.  It's Windows 95. It's User-friendly - easy to install - runs
  DOS & Windows programs seamlessly -the Operating System of the
  Future."

  When I awoke, I was in this place.  Must be a hospital, I thought.  Did
  it all really happen, or was it just a nightmare?

  The door opened, and a man wearing a white jacket entered the room.
  "Well, I see you're awake, Campbell," he said.  "I'm Doctor Jones.  We
  were worried about you for a long time.  Some people found you wandering
  the streets, wild-eyed and raving.  But I have every reason to believe
  you can make a full recovery."

  I asked if I could go home now.  "Afraid not," replied the doctor. You
  people who attempt to install Warp usually have to  stay at least six
  months.  Takes a long time to recover from that experience."

  I looked around.  Something didn't look quite right about this place
  --bars on the windows, for one thing.  "Where am I?," I inquired."  The
  doctor smiled.  "Don't worry, Campbell, we will take good care of you
  here.  Welcome to the FOREST HILLS SANATORIUM."

  John M. Campbell is indeed full of all sorts of pleasant surprises. His
  regular job as Manager of the Unemployment Compensation Board of Elkins,
  WV doesn't appear to interfere to slow his creative bent. The whimsical
  line drawings were done by Kathy Skidmore and Shauna Hambrick.  John is
  a regular contributor to WindoWatch.



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