*
TOP TEN WAYS HILLARY CLINTON CAN IMPROVE HER IMAGE 

10. TWO WORDS: WONDER BRA
 9. MARKET HER OWN WINE COOLER CALLED "WHITEWATER" 
 8. SNEAK UP BEHIND WARREN CHRISTOPHER AT PRESS CONFERENCES, YANK ON HIS JOWLS
 7. REVEAL REAL FIRST NAME ON "SEINFELD"
 6. MODEL HERSELF AFTER THE QUAKER OATS GUY LIKE BARBARA BUSH DID 
 5. IF ALL ELSE FAILS, BOMB THE HELL OUT OF IRAQ 
 4. SHOW KIDS THE DANGERS OF CRACK BY SMOKING SOME ON "MEET THE  PRESS"
 3. MAKE MORE PUBLIC APPEARANCES WITH LETTERMAN'S MOM
 2. START DOIN' IT WITH THE NEWT-MAN
 1. LOSE HILLBILLY BOY

Playout -  "Bitch" 

Letterman, Thursday, January 12, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU BOUGHT A BAD COMPUTER

10. LOWER CORNER OF SCREEN HAS THE WORDS "ETCH-A-SKETCH" ON IT
 9. ITS CELEBRITY SPOKESMAN IS THAT "HEY VERN!" GUY
 8. IN ORDER TO START IT YOU NEED SOME JUMPER CABLES AND A FRIEND'S CAR
 7. YOU KNOW THEM FLOPPY DISKS? WELL THIS BABY'S GOT A FLOPPY
    KEYBOARD!
 6. YOU TYPE IN: "NEED COMEDY BIT FOR TALK SHOW"; IT PRINTS OUT: "STUNT DOUBLES"
 5. WHENEVER YOU TURN IT ON, ALL THE DOGS IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD START HOWLING
 4. SCREEN FREQUENTLY FREEZES AND MESSAGE COMES UP "AIN'T IT BREAK- TIME, CHESTER?"
 3. THE MANUAL CONTAINS ONE SENTENCE: "GOOD LUCK!"
 2. THE ONLY CHIP INSIDE IS A DORITO
 1. IT CYBER-SUCKS!

Playout - "Bad" 

Letterman, Thursday, January 5, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS CONNIE CHUNG HAS GONE NUTS

10. SIGNED OFF EVENING NEWS BY FRENCH KISSING DAN RATHER
 9. SHOWS UP FOR INTERVIEWS IN CATWOMAN COSTUME
 8. HAS ACCEPTED MARRIAGE PROPOSAL FROM MICHAEL JACKSON
 7. "BORN TO CO-ANCHOR" TATTOO
 6. IT WAS FUNNY AT FIRST, BUT NOW I'M TIRED OF HER BUSTING 
    INTO MY HOUSE
 5. CLOSES EVERY BROADCAST WITH A HELEN REDDY SONG
 4. THINKS CBS EYE IS WATCHING HER IN DRESSING ROOM
 3. YESTERDAY AT CBS COMMISSARY, KNOCKED MIKE WALLACE 
    SENSELESS OVER THE LAST BURRITO
 2. NOW TRYING TO HAVE A BABY WITH RICHARD SIMMONS
 1. WHILE IN BED WITH MAURY, KEEPS YELLING, "THIS JUST IN!"

Playout -  "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" 

Letterman, Friday, January 6, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT GRACELAND ON ELVIS' 60TH 
BIRTHDAY 

10. "It's incredible -- he's actually gained weight since he died!" 
 9. "Did that recipe call for eight or nine cups of lard?" 
 8. "I'm sorry, Mr. Jackson. The monkey will have to wait outside 
     the gate"
 7. "I hear Elvis' ghost just signed an endorsement deal with Zima" 
 6. "Put that gun away -- this ain't the White House!" 
 5. "Amazing! His bedroom still smells like peanut butter!" 
 4. "My name is Mario Cuomo & I'll be your Graceland tour guide" 
 3. "It could've been worse. She could have married Tito" 
 2. "If Elvis were alive, he'd be perfect for playing 'Would you 
   like to eat that in here?'"
 1. "I'm not an Elvis impersonator, dammit -- I'm Roseanne!" 

Playout - "Memphis, Tennessee" 

Letterman, Monday, January 9, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD IN TIMES SQUARE ON NEW YEAR'S 
EVE

10. "I'M A NEW YORK PUBLIC SCHOOL GRADUATE; WHAT COMES 
     AFTER 10, 9, 8?"
 9. "IS AL SHARPTON IN A DIAPER REALLY THE BEST CHOICE FOR BABY
     NEW YEAR?"
 8. "LOOK AT THE FINE DETAIL. THE WORKMANSHIP. THE 
     CRAFTSMANSHIP.  DICK CLARK'S FACE IS AMAZING!"
 7. "HOW MUCH FOR THE 9MM 'NOISEMAKER'?"
 6. "WOW! ALMOST AS MUCH VOMIT AS ST. PATRICK'S DAY!"
 5. " 3... 2... 1...NOW GIVE ME YOUR WALLET!"
 4. "LOOK -- ON TOP OF THE BALL. IT'S ANDREW GIULIANI!"
 3. "COOL! A GIANT PINATA FILLED WITH RATS!"
 2. "YOU KNOW, DR. ELDERS, 'STROKE OF MIDNIGHT' IS JUST AN 
     EXPRESSION."
 1. "AULD LANG SYNE THIS!"

Playout - "42ND STREET"

Letterman, January 2, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NEW GOVERNOR ISN'T WORKING OUT

10. Instead of holding up his hand when being sworn in, he holds up
    his middle finger
 9. Exchanges all dollars in state treasury for pesos
 8. Shows up at first press conference dressed as Batman
 7. When reminded of campaign promises, he says "Hey, I was a 
    different person back then"
 6. Orders state police to start rounding up babes "Arkansas-style"
 5. No one knows why, but every carnival operating in the state has 
    to show him their fat lady
 4. He shows up to work with lunch box full of crack
 3. Legally changes state's name to "Patakiland"
 2. He's caught firing shots at his own home
 1. Opens inaugural speech with "Hello, suckers!"

Letterman, Tuesday, January 3, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN RESPONSIBILITIES OF THE NEW CONGRESSMEN

10. WATCH ORIENTATION FILM: "THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF 
    GRAFT AND KICKBACKS"
 9. BRING BAGS OF ICE CUBES UP TO TED KENNEDY'S OFFICE
 8. SWEEP UP THE SHELL CASINGS OUTSIDE WHITE HOUSE GATE
 7. MAKE SURE CHER GETS ALIMONY CHECK ON TIME (SONNY BONO 
    ONLY)
 6. RUN THE PROJECTOR AT CLARENCE THOMAS' PARTIES
 5. EMPTY JESSE HELMS' SPITTOON
 4. COLLECT HAIR CLIPPINGS FROM CAPITOL BARBER SHOP FLOOR; 
    START MAKIN' WIGS FOR BOB DOLE
 3. START KISSING NEWT'S ASS
 2. WHEN FINISHED KISSING NEWT'S ASS, CONSIDER KISSING IT A
    LITTLE MORE
 1. GET FRESH DRINKS FOR THE HOOKERS

Playout -  "Politician"

Letterman, Wednesday, January 4, 199 5.
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE FIRST TOM SNYDER SHOW

10. He spent the entire hour yelling, "I'm on TV! I'm on TV!"
 9. Made guests sit on his lap
 8. Referred to himself as "the artist formerly known as Tom Snyder"
 7. Tom's wacky next-door neighbor? Kramer
 6. Kept trying to sell viewers his "Snydic Track" exercise machine
 5. His hairpiece is even worse than mine
 4. On-air proposal to Lisa Marie
 3. The dude be speaking Spanish
 2. His top ten list got more laughs than ours
 1. The nose ring

Letterman, Tuesday, January 10, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN DAN QUAYLE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SLOGANS 

10. "ISN'T IT TIME WE HAD A DECENT GOLFER IN THE WHITE HOUSE?" 
 9. "I'M NOT HALF AS TERRIFYING AS THAT NEWT GUY" 
 8. "DON'T WORRY -- THE SURGEONS DIDN'T TOUCH MY BRAIN!" 
 7. "VOTE FOR CHANGE -- VOTE FOR A REPUBLICAN DRAFT DODGER!" 
 6. "QUAYLE IS AS QUAYLE DOES"
 5. "QUAYLE: THE OTHER WHITE MEAT"
 4. "I PROMISE I'LL LET MARILYN RUN THE COUNTRY" 
 3. "STARTS WITH Q -- JUST LIKE COURAGE!" 
 2. "NOT DUMB AND DUMBER. DUMBEST"
 1. "HUH?"

Letterman, Wednesday, January 11, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN LARRY KING PET PEEVES
(As read by Larry King)

10.  WHEN MY SUSPENDERS GET CAUGHT ON MY MICROPHONE, I'M 
     TRAPPED HERE  OVERNIGHT
 9.  CAN'T INTERVIEW DAN QUAYLE WITHOUT HIM GETTING 
     DISTRACTED BY MY SHINY CUFFLINKS
 8.  YOU BUY A GREAT LOOKING PAIR OF SPIDERMAN PAJAMAS AND 
     WHEN YOU PUT THEM ON THEY DON'T GIVE YOU SPIDER-
     STRENGTH
 7.  STAN FROM OVERLAND PARK, KANSAS.  NOW, THERE IS ONE 
     FIVE-STAR DORK OF A CALLER
 6.  WHEN SOME 102 POUND LADY IN DAVE'S AUDIENCE WON'T STOP 
     KICKING
 5.  YOU'RE INTERVIEWING NEIL ARMSTRONG AND HE SAYS, "PLEASE, 
     NO QUESTIONS ABOUT THE MOON."
 4.  WHENEVER I GO TO DAIRY QUEEN, SOME WISE-ASS SAYS, "LOOK--
     IT'S LARRY KING AT DAIRY QUEEN"
 3.  JANET RENO ALWAYS PINCHING ME UNDER THE TABLE
 2.  RICHARD SIMMONS ALWAYS PINCHING ME UNDER THE TABLE
 1.  ONE WORD:  ALIMONY

Letterman, Tuesday September 6, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
WAYS DAN QUAYLE IS PREPARING TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

10.  Forging letter of recommendation from President Bush
 9.  Shaved "1996" into the back of his head
 8.  Taking some of them Sally Struthers courses
 7.  Buying a computer with spell check
 6.  Trying to raise his I.Q. above his golf handicap
 5.  Studying the episode of "Happy Days" when Richie ran for class president
 4.  Trying to decide which Mighty Morphin Power Ranger he wants as his 
     running mate
 3.  Called President Bush.  Asked him what he used to do all day
 2.  Having name legally changed to Danforth Gump
 1.  Working on his concession speech

Letterman, Friday,  September 2, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR TEAM WON'T BE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL

10.  LAST YEAR'S MASCOT IS THIS YEAR'S QUARTERBACK
 9.  PLAYERS BEATEN BY LOCAL TEENS IN HALFTIME "PUNT, PASS & 
     KICK"
 8.  INNER EAR CONDITION MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR STARTING 
     HALFBACK TO STAY BETWEEN SIDELINES
 7.  JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, THEY OFTEN PUNT ON FIRST DOWN
 6.  THEY'RE CONSTANTLY TAKING TME-OUTS TO CONSULT WITH 
     ROBERT SHAPIRO
 5.   MORE PLAYERS ON SMOKING SIDE OF BENCH THAN NON-
     SMOKING
 4.  WHENEVER THEY MANAGE TO GET A FIST DOWN, THEY DUMP A 
     BUCKET OF GATORADE OVER THE HEAD COACH
 3.  PLAYERS CONSTANTLY ADDRESSING EACH OTHER AS 
     "GIRLFRIEND"
 2.  STARTING FULLBACK:  RICHARD SIMMONS
 1.  INSTEAD OF HELMETS, TURBANS

Letterman, Monday September 5, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN THE MISS AMERICA 
PAGEANT

10.  INSTEAD OF PUTTING VASELINE ON YOUR TEETH, YOU USE 
     AIEROSOL CHEESE
 9.  YOUR NUDE PHOTOS HAVE ALREADY APPEARED IN "PENTHOUSE"
 8.  VERY OFTEN WHEN PEOPLE MEET YOU THEY SAY, "MAN IS YOU 
     UGLY"
 7.  THE JUDGES POINT OUT THAT EATING A POUND OF FUDGE IS NOT 
     TECHNICALLY A TALENT
 6.  AFTER YOUR MUSICAL NUMBER, REGIS TURNS TO KATHIE LEE 
     AND SAYS, "WOW THAT REALLY SUCKED."
 5.  THOUGH YOU'RE PRETTY, THERE'S NO GETTING AROUND THE 
     FACT THAT YOUR NAME IS CARL AND YOU'RE A LONGSHOREMAN
 4.  THE OFFICIALS DISCOVER YOU'VE CORKED YOUR BRA
 3.  SOMEONE'S REPLACED YOUR PAPER "MIS KENTUCKY" SASH WITH 
     ONE THAT READS "SANITIZED FOR YOUR PROTECTION"
 2.  YOU'RE MISS NEW YORK, AND YOUR TALEN IS GIVING THE FINGER
 1.  YOUR ASS IS THE SIDE OF MONTANA

Letterman, September 19, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN THINGS THAT MAKE BOB BARKER ANGRY
(Bob Barker came out and read the Top Ten)

10.  WHEN THE REGULAR SHOW ANNOUNCER IS SICK AND THE NEW 
     GUY SAYS SOMETHING STUPID LIKE, "COME ON UP!"
 9.  LOSERS WHO GUESS THAT THE PRICE OF A TOASTER IS $50,000
 8.  WHEN CONTESTANTS WIN A BRAND NEW CAR AND THEY DON'T 
     EVEN OFFER ME A RIDE HOME
 7.  I GIVE THE 7-ELEVEN GUY A DOLLAR FOR A PACK OF GUM AND HE 
     SAYS, "SORRY, YOU OVERBID!"
 6.  INHUMANE WEASEL - FUR HAIRPIECES LIKE THE ONE LETTERMAN 
     IS WEARING
 5.  LOSING CONTESTANTS WHO WAIT FOR ME IN THE ALLEY AND 
     THROW CONSOLATION PRIZES AT MY HEAD
 4.  WHEN PEOPLE ON THE STREET THINK I'M VANNA'S DAD
 3.  MY LIFE WAS AS SWEET AS COULD BE, THEN ONE MORNING I 
     WOKE UP WITH PHIL DONAHUE'S HAIR
 2.  RECENT ALLEGATIONS THAT GAME SHOWS ARE FIXED
 1.  RECENT ALLEGATIONS THAT I'M FIXED

Letterman, Tuesday September 20, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL THE SHOW YOU'RE WATCHING WON'T BE A 
HIT

10.  THE ACTORS ARE HOLDING EACH OTHERS' CUE CARDS
 9.  LAUGH TRACK CONSISTS OF A GUY WITH A WET HACKING COUGH
 8.  YOU START THINKING MAYBE I'LL GO LISTEN TO THAT NEW 
     ROGER CLINTON CD
 7.  TITLE CONTAINS THE WORDS "THE" AND "MOMMIES"
 6.  ACTORS FREQUENTLY BREAK CHARACTER AND SCREAM "GOOD 
     LORD DOES THIS SUCK!"
 5.  THE BIGGEST LAUGH OF THE NIGHT INVOLVES A DEAD CHICKEN IN 
     UNDERPANTS
 4.  BIG PURPLE DINOSAUR KEEPS BITING CHILDREN
 3.  SKINNY GAP-TOOTHED HOST READS LAME TOP TEN LIST
 2.  SHOW'S PREMISE:  MAN WITH BIONIC ASS
 1.  IT'S ON FOX

Letterman, Wednesday, September 21, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN MARION BARRY CAMPAIGN SLOGANS

10.  "BARRY:  HE'S HABIT FORMING"
 9.  "AMERICA'S MOST WANTED MAYOR"
 8.  "AS SEEN ON COURT TV"
 7.  "THIS IS YOUR MAYOR.  THIS IS YOUR MAYOR ON DRUGS"
 6.  "A VOTE FOR BARRY IS A VOTE FOR..UM, I LOST MY TRAIN OF 
     THOUGHT"
 5.  "I'LL GET DRUGS OFF THE STREET"
 4.  "COME ON, IT'LL BE FUNNY!"
 3.  "ENDORSED BY DWIGHT GOODEN"
 2.  "GIVE ME ANOTHER CRACK AT IT!"
 1.  I ALWAYS INHALED"

Letterman, Thursday September 22, 1994

*
TOP TEN WAYS U.S. OPEN WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF IT WERE HELD ON 
THE MOON

10.  Guy hits a lob on Tuesday, opponent returns it on Wednesday
 9.  Announcer keeps saying lame things like "That's one short volley for 
     man, one giant match point for mankind"
 8.  In space, no one can hear John McEnroe scream
 7.  If players argue, umpire cuts off their oxygen
 6.  Final round:  Michael Stich vs. one of them Star Trek dudes
 5.  Lots of laughs when line judge and his tall chair get knocked over by a low-
     flying comet
 4.  "Samparas has just smashed another blistering 2 mile an hour serve"
 3.  Spectator Rush Limbaugh mistaken for Goodyear Blimp
 2.  Serve one really hard and it goes all the way around and hits you in the ass
 1.  Two words:  floatin' trophies!

Letterman, Wednesday September 7, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS PRESIDENT CLINTON IS WELL RESTED

10.  Catching and eating more mice than "Socks"
 9.  Flip-flops much faster on foreign policy
 8.  Hasn't passed out in his mashed potatoes in days
 7.  His doughy white thighs have a blush of pink to them now
 6.  Feels ready to ask Paula Jones for sex again
 5.  Already finished with his '96 concession speech
 4.  Gets his pants down twice as fast
 3.  Doesn't get tired carrying around giant lunch box
 2.  Since he got back, he's only beaten the crap out of Gore twice
 1.  He's giving Bob Dole both fingers

Letterman, Thursday September 8, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
Top Ten Things Overheard At The MTV Music Video Awards

10.  "Hey -- Richard Simmons just threw his shorts at Tom Jones!"
 9.  "I'm sorry, sir, there's no Tom Arnonld on the guest list"
 8.  "I can't watch this whole show -- my attention span has been
     destroyed by MTV!"
 7.  "Forget Disneyland, I'm going to Betty Ford!"
 6.  "I hope we get to see some guy picking his nose on the Letterman
     show" 
 5.  "You know, now that I actually see them (Michael & Lisa Marie)
     kissing, it seems like the most natural thing in the world"
 4.  "More blood, Mr. Richards?"
 3.  "More meat loaf, Meat Loaf?"
 2.  "Can we get a crew with a belt sander down to dressing room 3?
     Roseanne wants another tattoo removed"
 1.  "Who's that dork with Madonna?"

Letterman, Friday, September 9, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS THE GUYS WHO ROBBED TIFFANY'S HAD NEVER 
ROBBED BEFORE

10.  When alarm went off, they thought they'd won something
 9.  After stealing jewelry made appointment to have it engraved
 8.  spent twenty minutes trying to hail a "getaway cab"
 7.  Set up table on the sidewalk that said "Tiffany's Factory Outlet Store"
 6.  Tried on each piece of jewelry before deciding whether or not to take it
 5.  Gave names and addresses to clerk so they could be put on mailing list
 4.  Went to McDonald's, paid for small fries with diamond bracelet and asked 
     for $20,000 change
 3.  Took the security tapes, but then sent them to "America's Funniest Home 
     Videos"
 2.  Kept yelling "where's Batman?"
 1.  Wore ski masks and skis

Letterman, Monday September 12, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS THE QUIZ SHOW YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING IS FIXED

10.  One guy keeps getting questions about what he had for lunch
 9.  You hear the phrase, "Come on down, Mom"
 8.  Answer the question about the capitol of Kentucky, Frankfurt.  I mean, 
     Champion
 7.  You see Fabio run the board during Double Jeopardy
 6.  Everytime a contestant presses the buzzer, they fall down dead
 5.  Suddenly Alex Trebek doesn't give a damn whether anybody phrases their 
     answers in the form of a question
 4.  Bob Barker has been neutered.  (I'm sorry, that's signs the game show host 
     you're watching has been fixed)
 3.  Whenever some of the other contestants start to answer, they're chomped 
     in the ass by a vicious wolverine
 2.  It's "Family Feud" and the Quyale's win
 1.  "Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome our returning champion, Forrest 
     Gump"

Letterman, Tuesday September 13, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN KILLER BEE PET PEEVES

10.  Horizontal stripes make you look fat
 9.  Can't sting Zsa Zsa through all that makeup
 8.  Not one single killer bee in congress
 7.  Dershowitz always tacks dinners onto defense tab
 6.  When other bees make fun of the size of your stinger in the shower
 5.  It's damn near impossible to get those little packages of airline peanuts 
     open
 4.  That Honey-Nut Cheerios bee--now there's a first class dweeb
 3.  We're natural born killers, yet you don't see Oliver Stone bustin' his ass to 
     make a film about us
 2.  Plasticky aftertaste when you sting Michael Jackson
 1.  What's the deal with Johnny Depp?

Letterman, Wednesday September 14, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN REJECTED NEW NAMES FOR EURO-DISNEY

10.  EURO DISASTER
 9.  EL BIGGO MISTAKE-O
 8.  NEVER-NEVER-PROFIT LAND
 7.  LA VILLE DE GUYS IN BIG SMELLY COSTUMES
 6.  GUMPWORLD
 5.  BEAUCOUP DE CRAP AMERICAIN
 4.  JOHNNY DEPP'S HOTEL OF DESTRUCTION
 3.  BOUTROS BOUTROS-GOOFY
 2.  HAVE-YOU-FORGOTTEN-WE-SAVED-YOUR-ASS-IN-WORLD-WAR-
     TWO-LAND
 1.  OOH-LA-LAME

Letterman, Thursday September 15, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SURPRISING REVELATIONS IN BARBARA BUSH'S BOOK

10.  Once considered legally changing her name to Whoopi
 9.  Still swaps hair care tips with Phil Donahue
 8.  George spent last six months of office wandering around White House 
     wearing nothing but a bib
 7.  Reagan used to keep his jelly beans and his kidney stones in the same jar
 6.  Whole reason she got into public life--free hot dogs
 5.  She's got Tom Arnold's face tattooed right where you think
 4.  Ever since the fall of communism, George has carried a thirty-pound 
     chunk of the Berlin Wall in his pants
 3.  During the Bush administration Air Force One was a high flyin' love 
     machine
 2.  Dan Quayle is extremely bright;  also Rush Limbaugh is extremely thin
 1.  Millie The Dog?  Gay.

Letterman, Friday September 16, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN WAYS MICHAEL JACKSON CELEBRATED HIS 36TH BIRTHDAY

10.  Plays pin-the-nose on the donkey
 9.  Enjoyed big steak dinner cooked by Lisa Marie, drank beer and watched 
     wrestling till he fell asleep
 8.  Received novelty drinking mug that says "World's Greatest Reclusive 
     Freak."
 7.  A champagne celebration with his wife, the monkey and that super-short 
     guy
 6.  Doing what he always does--acting really weird
 5.  Goes 0-4 against the Tidewater Mets  (Oh, sorry, that's Michael Jordan)
 4.  Inhaled helium from party balloons to make his voice higher
 3.  Found Tito stealing tomatoes from his vegetable garden; chased him with 
     a rake
 2.  Turned Liz loose on the leftover birthday cake
 1.  Two words:  grabbing himself

Letterman, Thursday, September 1, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID ISN'T COLLEGE MATERIAL

10.  HIS GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S FILE CONTAINS TWO WORDS:  
     "YARD WORK"
 9.  IN YEARBOOK, WAS VOTED "MOST LIKELY TO INJURE HIMSELF 
     OPENING A DOOR"  
 8.  DURING ALGEBRA, INTERRUPTS TEACHER AND ASKS, "WHEN DO 
     WE GET TO WHITTLE?"
 7.  S.A.T. SCORE?  9
 6.  HE KEEPS TELLING EVERYBODY LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES
 5.  EVERYTIME HE SEES A BOOK HE SAYS, "WHAT THE HAY IS THIS 
     DANG THING?"
 4.  HE'S THE ONLY 37-YEAR-OLD IN THE 4TH GRADE
 3.  DURING APPEARANCE ON "JEOPARDY", KEEPS BUZZING IN AND 
     ASKING, "ALEX, CAN I HAVE SOME CANDY?"
 2.  THINKS VALEDICTORIAN IS A BRAND NAME OF CONDOMS
 1.  CAN'T FIND WALDO

Letterman, Wednesday, September 28, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS HILLARY CLINTON MIGHT BE PREGNANT

10.  AL GORE IS PRACTICING WASHING DIAPERS
 9.  SEEN LOOKING THROUGH LITTLE BOOK ENTITLED "NAME YOUR 
     HILLBILLY BABY"
 8.  BEEN DOING SOME OF HER OWN "NEGOTIATING" WITH JIMMY 
     CARTER
 7.  PENTAGON BUILDING MOBILE FOR CRIB WITH FACES OF LLOYD 
     BENTSEN AND WARREN CHRISTOPHER
 6.  ASKED STROM THURMOND FOR THE NUMBER TO HIS DIAPER 
     SERVICE
 5.  BEEN TRYING OUT LITTLE BOOTIES OF ROSS PEROT
 4.  SHE THREW UP ON NEWT GINGRICH
 3.  STORK EVADED RADAR AND CRASHED INTO WHITE HOUSE
 2.  ON THE ULTRASOUND THEY COULD SEE THE BABY ALREADY 
     GIVING THE FINGER TO BOB DOLE
 1.  LIKE BILL, SHE'S EATING FOR TWO

Letterman, Thursday September 29, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN NEW CBS PROMOTIONAL SLOGANS

10.  WHERE'S THE REMOTE CONTROL?
 9.  THE SHOWS ARE FUNNIER IF YOU'RE DRUNK
 8.  NOW WE SUCK AS MUCH AS FOX
 7.  C.B.S.:  COME BACK SUCKERS
 6.  YOU COULD WIN A CHANCE TO FATHER MURPHY BROWN'S NEXT 
     BABY
 5.  THE CBS EYE KNOWS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE NAKED
 4.  WE BLEW OUR WAD ON LATE SHOW BOY
 3.  TONIGHT MIGHT BE THE NIGHT DAN AND CONNIE DO IT
 2.  WATCH US AND DR. QUINN MEDICINE WOMAN WILL WRITE YOU 
     A PRESCRIPTION FOR THE DRUG OF YOUR CHOICE
 1.  YOU CAN'T SPELL CBS WITHOUT BS

Letterman, Friday September 30, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS THE MANAGER OF YOUR GAP STORE HAS GONE NUTS

10.  ON YOUR WAY INTO THE STORE YOU TRIP OVER THE ACID 
     WASHED, SAND BLASTED CORPSE OF J. CREWE
 9.  EVERYTIME YOU RETURN TO THE DRESSING ROOM, HE'S WEARING 
     YOUR CLOTHES
 8.  MOCK TURTLE NECKS MADE OUT OF REAL TURTLES
 7.  HIS ASSISTANT MANAGER IS A MANNEQUIN
 6.  REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THE CBS PRIME TIME LINEUP
 5.  HE EATS YOUR GIFT CERTIFICATE WITH SOME FAVA BEANS AND A 
     NICE CHIANTI
 4.  DECLARES WAR ON THE BANANA REPUBLIC ACROSS THE STREET
 3.  HAS OPENED A GAP FOR MONKEYS
 2.  SAYS "HI, MY NAME IS GAP, FORREST GAP"
 1.  MAKES YOU TRY ON *HIS* PANTS

Letterman, Friday September 23, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD AIRPORT

10.  THE LUGGAGE CAROUSEL IS FIRST COME FIRST SERVED
 9.  TECHNICIAN ASKS IF HE CAN BORROW YOUR CUP OF COFFEE TO 
     "DI-ICE" A 747
 8.  RUNWAY LITTERED WITH STRIPPED CHEVYS
 7.  GIFT SHOP SELLING ITEMS FROM YOUR JUST-CHECKED LUGGAGE
 6.  NACHO CHEESE AT THE SNACK BAR DOUBLES A JET FUEL
 5.  THE "ARRIVALS AND DEPARTURES" MONITOR IS PAY-PER-VIEW
 4.  GUARD AT METAL DETECTOR ASKS YOU TO TURN YOUR HEAD 
     AND COUGH
 3.  SOME LITTLE BEER-LOVING DWEEB TAKES DR. GALAZKIEWICZ'S 
     LIMO
 2.  YOU SEE SOMEONE PRE-BOARDING A FLIGHT ATTENDANT
 1.  PASSENGERS HAVE THE RIGHT TO FLY TOPLESS

Letterman, Monday September 26, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE DOLLY PARTON AUTOBIOGRAPHY

10.  AT BIRTH DOCTOR THOUGHT HE WAS DELIVERING TRIPLETS
 9.  ONCE HITCHHIKED CROSS-COUNTRY WITHOUT EVERY LIFTING A 
     THUMB
 8.  MAKES ALL OF HER OWN LEATHER MINI-SKIRTS BY TRAPPING 
     AND SKINNING VERMIN
 7.  SHE WAS THE INSPIRATION FOR THE HUGE OVERHANGING 
     BALCONY AT THE NEW GRAND OLE OPRY
 6.  WENT ON WORLD TOUR IN EARLY 70'S WITH DALAI LAMA IN A 
     SHOW CALLED, "A COUPLE OF DOLLYS"
 5.  SHE WAS DESIGNED BY SAME GUY WHO DID NEW YORK'S TWIN 
     TOWERS
 4.  TOM ARNOLD ONCE ASKED TO MARRY HER BECAUSE HE WANTED 
     TO GET HIS OWN SHOW ON THE NASHVILLE NETWORK
 3.  IN ORDER TO REMAIN VERTICAL, WEARS SPECIAL 
     COUNTERWEIGHTS ON HER BACK DEVELOPED BY NASA
 2.  ONE NIGHT GOT DRUNK & SLEPT WITH ALL OF THE OAK RIDGE 
     BOYS
 1.  CONSULTED ON THE WONDERBRA PROJECT

Letterman, Tuesday September 27, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU BOUGHT A BAD COMPUTER

10. LOWER CORNER OF SCREEN HAS THE WORDS "ETCH-A-SKETCH" ON IT
 9. ITS CELEBRITY SPOKESMAN IS THAT "HEY VERN!" GUY
 8. IN ORDER TO START IT YOU NEED SOME JUMPER CABLES AND A FRIEND'S CAR
 7. YOU KNOW THEM FLOPPY DISKS? WELL THIS BABY'S GOT A FLOPPY
    KEYBOARD!
 6. YOU TYPE IN: "NEED COMEDY BIT FOR TALK SHOW"; IT PRINTS OUT: "STUNT DOUBLES"
 5. WHENEVER YOU TURN IT ON, ALL THE DOGS IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD START HOWLING
 4. SCREEN FREQUENTLY FREEZES AND MESSAGE COMES UP "AIN'T IT BREAK- TIME, CHESTER?"
 3. THE MANUAL CONTAINS ONE SENTENCE: "GOOD LUCK!"
 2. THE ONLY CHIP INSIDE IS A DORITO
 1. IT CYBER-SUCKS!

Playout - "Bad" 

Letterman, Thursday, January 5, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NEW GOVERNOR ISN'T WORKING OUT

10. Instead of holding up his hand when being sworn in, he holds up
    his middle finger
 9. Exchanges all dollars in state treasury for pesos
 8. Shows up at first press conference dressed as Batman
 7. When reminded of campaign promises, he says "Hey, I was a 
    different person back then"
 6. Orders state police to start rounding up babes "Arkansas-style"
 5. No one knows why, but every carnival operating in the state has 
    to show him their fat lady
 4. He shows up to work with lunch box full of crack
 3. Legally changes state's name to "Patakiland"
 2. He's caught firing shots at his own home
 1. Opens inaugural speech with "Hello, suckers!"

Letterman, Tuesday, January 3, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN RESPONSIBILITIES OF THE NEW CONGRESSMEN

10. WATCH ORIENTATION FILM: "THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF 
    GRAFT AND KICKBACKS"
 9. BRING BAGS OF ICE CUBES UP TO TED KENNEDY'S OFFICE
 8. SWEEP UP THE SHELL CASINGS OUTSIDE WHITE HOUSE GATE
 7. MAKE SURE CHER GETS ALIMONY CHECK ON TIME (SONNY BONO 
    ONLY)
 6. RUN THE PROJECTOR AT CLARENCE THOMAS' PARTIES
 5. EMPTY JESSE HELMS' SPITTOON
 4. COLLECT HAIR CLIPPINGS FROM CAPITOL BARBER SHOP FLOOR; 
    START MAKIN' WIGS FOR BOB DOLE
 3. START KISSING NEWT'S ASS
 2. WHEN FINISHED KISSING NEWT'S ASS, CONSIDER KISSING IT A
    LITTLE MORE
 1. GET FRESH DRINKS FOR THE HOOKERS

Playout -  "Politician"

Letterman, Wednesday, January 4, 199 5.
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD IN TIMES SQUARE ON NEW YEAR'S 
EVE

10. "I'M A NEW YORK PUBLIC SCHOOL GRADUATE; WHAT COMES 
     AFTER 10, 9, 8?"
 9. "IS AL SHARPTON IN A DIAPER REALLY THE BEST CHOICE FOR BABY
     NEW YEAR?"
 8. "LOOK AT THE FINE DETAIL. THE WORKMANSHIP. THE 
     CRAFTSMANSHIP.  DICK CLARK'S FACE IS AMAZING!"
 7. "HOW MUCH FOR THE 9MM 'NOISEMAKER'?"
 6. "WOW! ALMOST AS MUCH VOMIT AS ST. PATRICK'S DAY!"
 5. " 3... 2... 1...NOW GIVE ME YOUR WALLET!"
 4. "LOOK -- ON TOP OF THE BALL. IT'S ANDREW GIULIANI!"
 3. "COOL! A GIANT PINATA FILLED WITH RATS!"
 2. "YOU KNOW, DR. ELDERS, 'STROKE OF MIDNIGHT' IS JUST AN 
     EXPRESSION."
 1. "AULD LANG SYNE THIS!"

Playout - "42ND STREET"

Letterman, January 2, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE ADDICTED TO CAFFEINE

10.  HAVEN'T SLEPT SINCE THE JOHNSON ADMINISTRATION
 9.  YOUR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBORS OFTEN CALL TO COMPLAIN ABOUT 
     THE SOUND OF YOUR CHATTERING TEETH
 8.  INSTEAD OF TIC TACS, YOU SUCK ON NO-DOZ
 7.  YOU NAMED YOUR TWINS "CAPPUCCINO" & "ESPRESSO"
 6.  ON THE WAY TO WORK YOU GET PULLED OVER FOR SPEEDING AND 
     YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE YOUR CAR
 5.  YOU KILL A GUY FOR TRYING TO SWITCH YOUR REGULAR COFFEE 
     WITH FOLGERS CRYSTALS
 4.  YOU WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT SCREAMING "PEPSI!  
     FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I NEED A PEPSI!"
 3.  WHEN A MAXWELL HOUSE COMMERCIAL COMES ON YOU 
     ACTUALLY LICK THE TV SCREEN
 2.  YOU DRINK SO MUCH COFFEE IT STARTS SHOOTING OUT YOUR 
     EYES LIKE OUR STAGE MANAGER BIFF HENDERSON
 1.  YOU'RE SHAKING LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON ON HIS WEDDING 
     NIGHT

Letterman, Friday, October 7, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS PICKUP LINES

10.  "COME TO THIS CONTINENT OFTEN?"
 9.  "HOW 'BOUT YOU AND ME TAKING A VOYAGE TO A MOTEL-6?"
 8.  "KISS ME, I'M SALTY!"
 7.  "IF ALL THREE OF YOU COME HOME WITH ME, I'LL NAME MY SHIPS 
     AFTER YOU"
 6.  "PLEASE, I'VE BEEN AT SEA FOR FIVE MONTHS, I BEG YOU!"
 5.  "CAN YOU HELP ME NAVIGATE MY WAY AROUND THAT 
     WONDERBRA?"
 4.  "HOW MANY GOLD DOUBLOONS FOR A LAP DANCE?"
 3.  "THAT'S NOT A COMPASS IN MY POCKET;  I'M JUST GLAD TO SEE 
     YOU!"
 2.  "BABE AHOY!"
 1.  "I'VE GOT A SEA MONSTER IN MY PANTS!"

Letterman,  Monday, October 10, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN KATHIE LEE'S PET PEEVES ABOUT REGIS

10.  STRAINS MY MARRIAGE WITH HIS CLUMSY PASSES---AT FRANK
 9.  PREDICTED THAT MY LITTLE CODY WILL GROW UP TO BE A SERIAL 
     KILLER
 8.  ALWAYS BORROWING MY EYELINER WITHOUT ASKING

Top Ten interrupted by Regis, who tore up the Top Ten List.  Letterman then 
"made up" one on the spot...


*
TOP TEN SIGNS REGIS PHILBUN IS NUTS

10.  HE'S ACTUALLY GONE ON ONE OF THOSE LAME CARNIVAL 
     CRUISES
 9.  KEEPS SHOWING UP FOR WORK IN FULL "CATS" MAKE-UP
 8.  ONE MINUTE YOU'RE HAVING A CIVILIZED CONVERSATION AND 
     THE NEXT MINUTE THE OLD COOT'S ON THE FLOOR DOING PUSH-UPS
 7.  RICHARD SIMMONS FOUND SMOTHERED UNDER A TWO-TON PILE 
     OF REGIS'S WORKOUT VIDEOS
 6.  WENT ON A HONEYMOON WITH MICHAEL AND LISA MARIE
 5.  CLAIMS THE CIA HAS BEEN SENDING SATELLITE BEAMS INTO HIS 
     PANTS
 4.  LAST WEEKEND SPOTTED NAKED IN CENTRAL PARK WITH 
     BOTTLE OF SCOTCH SCREAMING, "WHERE'S GELMAN?"
 3.  CONSTANTLY STANDING IN FRONT OF MOVING CARS
 2.  EVERY COUPLE YEARS, JUST FOR FUN, HE SWITCHES KATHIE LEE'S 
     BIRTH CONTROL PILLS WITH TIC TACS
 1.  NEVER CHANGED HIS WEIRD-ASS NAME

Letterman Thursday October 6, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN THINGS TED KENNEDY CAN DO TO WIN THE ELECTION

10.  INTRODUCE NEW RULE AT DEBATES:  MENTION THE ECONOMY, 
     DO A SHOT
 9.  TWO WORDS:  JENNY CRAIG
 8.  USE TRICK PHOTOGRAPHY IN CAMPAIGN ADS TO MAKE HEAD 
     APPEAR NORMAL SIZE
 7.  LOSE THE TOGA
 6.  GAIN THE CRUCIAL ENDORSEMENT OF INFLUENTIAL 
     BANGLADESHI POLITICAL LEADERS, MUJIBUR AND SIRAJUL
 5.  STOP REFERRING TO HIS FIVE TERMS IN THE U.S. SENATE AS 
     "REFILLS"
 4.  NEW SLOGAN:  SEVERAL WIVES CAN'T BE WRONG!
 3.  STOP RESPONDING TO THE REPORTERS QUESTIONS WITH "LEMME 
     ASK MY BUDDY JACK DANIELS"
 2.  JAZZERCISE LIKE A SON OF A BITCH
 1.  PUT ON HIS DAMN PANTS!

Letterman, Tuesday October 25, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR JUDGE IS BORED

10.  HALFWAY THROUGH TRIAL, HAS HIS CHAIR REPLACED WITH A 
     LA-Z-BOY RECLINER
 9.  HE ASKS NEW WITNESSES THEIR NAME, ADDRESS, AND IF 
     THEY'VE HEARD ANY GOOD JOKES LATELY
 8.  SUDDENLY STANDS UP AND SCREAMS AT DEFENDANTS "FOR 
     GOD'S SAKE---PLEAD GUILTY AND I'LL DO YOUR TIME!"
 7.  HE'S POPPING NO-DOZ LIKE CHICLETS
 6.  WON'T STOP POUNDING THE GAVEL
 5.  HE ASKS JURY MEMBERS TO DRESS AS THEIR FAVORITE COMIC 
     BOOK CHARACTERS
 4.  SHOUTS OUT "GUILTY" AND THEN SAYS "JUST PRACTICING"
 3.  HIS EYES JUST SEEM TO GLAZE OVER WHEN YOU TRY TO EXPLAIN 
     TO HIM WHY YOU WERE GOING 82 MPH ON THE MERRITT PKWY
 2.  AFTER EVERY BIT OF TESTIMONY, INTERJECTS "WERE YOU NAKED 
     AT THE TIME?"
 1.  HE'S EATING A LAWBOOK

Letterman, Wednesday, October 26, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN A NOBEL PRIZE

10.  YOU THINK THE CAPITAL OF SWEDEN IS SWEDEN CITY
 9.  YOU BUILT AN ARTIFICIAL HEART, BUT ITS THE SIZE OF A BREAD 
     TRUCK
 8.  CLOSEST YOU'VE EVER COME TO DOING A SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENT-
     -PUTTING A SLEEPING FRIEND'S HAND IN WARM WATER
 7.  DESPITE ALL YOUR BRILLIANT IDEAS, THE NURSES WON'T LET YOU 
     HAVE ANYTHING SHARP TO WRITE THEM DOWN
 6.  YOU'RE THE CBS EXECUTIVE WHO PICKED THE NEW FALL LINEUP
 5.  FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS, YOUR LEFT THUMB HAS BEEN STUCK IN 
     A TEST TUBE
 4.  TITLE OF YOUR DOCTORAL DISSERTATION:  "YEE-OUCH!  THEM PINS 
     IS POINTY!"
 3.  YOUR THEORY OF RELATIVITY IS E=MC HAMMER
 2.  YOU'RE KNOWN AROUND THE UNIVERSITY AS "PROFESSOR 
     GUMP"
 1.  YOUR FIRST NAME IS BOUTROS BOUTROS--BUT YOUR LAST NAME 
     AIN'T GHALI

Letterman, Tuesday, October 11, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN REJECTED SYLVESTER STALLONE MOVIE LINES

10.  "ALL RIGHT, I'LL TALK!  JUST STOP TICKLING ME!"
 9.  "THE NAME'S RAMBO; BUT FRIENDS CALL ME 'BUNNY' "
 8.  "YOU FIGURE SKATE PRETTY GOOD, FRANCOIS, BUT I'M THE BEST 
      THERE IS"
 7.  "LEGGO MY EGGO, YOU SON OF A BITCH"
 6.  "I DON'T CARE WHAT ROUND IT IS, HE HIT ME, IT HURT, AND I'M 
      QUITTING"
 5.  "HOW LONG BEFORE I BECOME A REAL WOMAN, DOCTOR?"
 4.  "MOM, HAVE YOU SEEN MY JURASSIC PARK UNDERPANTS 
      ANYWHERE?"
 3.  "MY NAME IS ROCKY GUMP"
 2.  "HEY, YOU'VE GOT A NICE ASS FOR A JOCKEY"
 1.  "I LOVE YOU RICHARD SIMMONS"

Letterman, Wednesday, October 12, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN TED KENNEDY CAMPAIGN SLOGANS

10.  "I PROMISE I'LL KEEP MY PANTS ON"
 9.  "TWO MILLION BUDWEISERS CAN'T BE WRONG"
 8.  "VOTE FOR ME, THE GIANT RED-FACED GUY!"
 7.  "I DO MORE IN ONE HAPPY HOUR THAN MOST SENATORS DO ALL 
      DAY"
 6.  "NO WORSE THAN MARION BARRY!"
 5.  "CRIME?  POLLUTION?  THE DEFICIT?  WHO CARES?  PASS THE BEER 
      NUTS, MONTY!"
 4.  "SIT BACK AND WATCH WHISKEY-BOY DO HIS STUFF"
 3.  "HE STILL FITS THROUGH THE SENATE DOOR; SO VOTE FOR TED IN 
      '94!"
 2.  "ARE YOU BETTER OFF THAN YOU WERE FOUR BEERS AGO?"
 1.  "PAAARTY!"

Letterman,  Thursday, October 13, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN WAYS CBS CAN IMPROVE PRIME TIME RATINGS

10.  NEW CONTEST:  WATCH A WEEK OF CBS SHOWS - GET A SHOT AT 
     HELPING CONNIE HAVE A BABY
 9.  REPLACE DUDLEY MOORE SHOW WITH TESTS OF THE EMERGENCY 
     BROADCAST SYSTEM
 8.  SEND DR. QUINN MEDICINE WOMAN ON THE ROAD TO PERFORM 
     COMPLIMENTARY THROAT CULTURES
 7.  CREATE A NEW SHOW ABOUT A FAMILY THAT SITS DOWN TO 
     WATCH ABC SHOWS
 6.  LET BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD SIT IN FOR DAN AND CONNIE
 5.  SHOW SOME FOOTBALL GAMES!  EVERYBODY LOVES FOOTBALL 
     GAMES!
 4.  MAKE "MURDER, SHE WROTE" TOPLESS
 3.  HAVE JUDGE ITO HOST "FUNNY, FUNNY COURTROOM BLOOPERS"
 2.  MORE SHOTS OF DAN RATHER SPITTING TOBACCO
 1.  THREE WORDS:  BARE-ASSED COPS

Letterman, Friday , October 14, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1994

*
THINGS COLUMBUS WOULD SAY IF HE LANDED IN AMERICA TODAY

10. "I'M 542 YEARS OLD AND WILLARD SCOTT STILL WON'T WISH ME 
     A HAPPY BIRTHDAY." 
 9. "I ANCHORED MY SHIP UP HERE JUST A MINUTE AGO -- AND NOW 
     IT'S GONE!" 
 8. "AH, A GAP STORE! FINALLY, A FAMILIAR SIGHT." 
 7. "FABIO! PUT A SHIRT ON! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" 
 6. "I'VE COME FOR SILKS, SPICES AND A SHOT AT MADONNA." 
 5. "LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,,, YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AND A 
     LADY TALKS DIRTY TO YOU? COOL!"
 4. "BRING ME TO QUEEN OPRAH."
 3. "WHERE CAN I GET ME ONE OF THEM THIGHMASTERS?" 
 2. "I'M READY TO 'DISCOVER' A QUART OF BUD LIGHT AND SOME 
     HOOKERS." 
 1. "HURRY, I'M LATE FOR THE WHOOPI ROAST." 

Letterman, Monday, October 17, 1994
Originally Aired October 12, 1993
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1993

*
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE NYC MARATHON

10.  "TAXI--FINISH LINE AND STEP ON IT"
 9.  "FIFTEEN THOUSAND, THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-EIGHT 
      STEPS, FIFTEEN THOUSAND, THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-NINE 
      STEPS..."
 8.  "OUT OF MY WAY, OPRAH"
 7.  "FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T WANT TO BE SQUEEGIED"
 6.  "I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MUCH CHAFING IN MIDTOWN SINCE THE 
      'GIRLIE TOUR' WAS HERE"
 5.  "I'M GOING TO CATCH THAT MEXICAN OR MY NAME ISN'T H. ROSS 
      PEROT"
 4.  "FASTER,  HERE COMES LOREENA BOBBIT"
 3.  "CONGRATULATIONS ON FINISHING THE MARATHON.    NOW, 
      GIVE ME YOUR WALLET"
 2.  "WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP ACCIDENTALLY BUMPING INTO ME, 
      SENATOR PACKWOOD?"
 1.  "THAT AIN'T GATORADE"

Letterman, Tuesday, October 18, 1994
Originally aired Novmber 15, 1993
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1993

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR LOCAL TV WEATHERMAN IS NUTS

10.  EVERY NIGHT, HIS FORECAST IS:  "IT'S RAINING MEN, 
     HALLELUJAH!"
 9.  OFTEN ASKS ANCHORWOMAN TO SWITCH CLOTHES WITH HIM
 8.  USES EXPENSIVE RADAR EQUIPMENT TO TRACK MICHELLE 
     PFEIFFER
 7.  "SATELLITE PHOTOS" LOOK SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE POLAROIDS OF A 
     DESK GLOBE
 6.  APPEARS TO HAVE THE FIRST SPRING ROBIN IN HIS MOUTH
 5.  SEEN CHECKING INTO A MOTEL 6 WITH A HALF-INFLATED 
     WEATHER BALLOON
 4.  EVERY NIGHT HE SAYS, "LORDY MAMA, IT'S GONNA RAIN ROOT 
     BEER TOMORROW!"
 3.  THE SYMBOL ON HIS WEATHER MAP FOR AN ARCTIC COLD FRONT 
     IS A SNOWMAN GIVING THE FINGER
 2.  LOOKS A LOT LIKE THIS PINHEAD  (showed a video of Dave doing 
     weather in Indianapolis)
 1.  HE'S GOT A TROPICAL STORM IN HIS PANTS

Letterman, Monday October 3, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN GOOFIEST AUDIENCE DRIVER'S LICENSE PHOTOS
(This is strictly a visual, using pictures of audience memeber's DLs)

10.  WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
 9.  COOLEST GUY IN BANGLADESH
 8.  LONG LOST GABOR SISTER
 7.  LOVE'S QUAKER INSTANT OATMEAL
 6.  REALLY LOVES QUAKER INSTANT OATMEAL
 5.  HEIGHT 5'5".  WITHOUT HAIR, 5'1"
 4.  PULLED ALL NIGHTER STUDYING FOR DRIVERS TEST
 3.  ALSO A CLIENT
 2.  TURN YOUR HEAD AND COUGH
 1.  WHERE'S THE BRAKE?

Letterman, Tuesday, October 4, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS

10.  "HEY, I JUST FOUND MY CAR KEYS IN LYLE LOVETT'S HAIR"
 9.  "SOMEBODY HELP HIM!  HE'S GOT A TRITT LODGED IN HIS 
      YOAKAM!"
 8.  "YOU KNOW, MR. ROGERS, IS SAW THE MOST RECENT GAMBLER 
      TV-MOVIE, AND MAYBE IT'S TIME TO FOLD 'EM"
 7.  "HEE HAW CONDOMS!  GET YER HEE HAW CONDOMS HERE!"
 6.  "VINCE GILL, FAITH HILL, FAITH HILL, VINCE GILL, MELL TILLIS, 
      TRAVIS TRITT, PAM TILLIS, PATTI LOVELESS, FAITH HILL, VINCE GILL"
 5.  "IF WYNONNA DOESN'T DROP A FEW POUNDS, WE'RE GONNA 
      HAVE AN ACHY BREAKY FLOOR"
 4.  "HEY, LOOKIE HERE, ME AND MY GEE-TAR ARE ON THE TEE-VEE"
 3.  "AND NOW THE BEST FIDDLER AWARD GOES TO DAVE 
      LETTERMAN"
 2.  "I THOUGHT 'THE JUDDS' WAS A NICKNAME FOR DOLLY PARTON"
 1.  "OH, NO.  MICHAEL AND LISA MARIE ARE KISSING AGAIN!"

Letterman, Wednesday October 5, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
MY SECRETARY'S TOP TEN COMPLAINTS ABOUT ME

10.  THE WAY I'M ALWAYS BORROWING HER WHITE-OUT TO PAINT 
     MY FINGERNAILS
 9.  MY STRICT 'NO TALKING' POLICY DURING THE "MONTEL 
     WILLIAMS SHOW"
 8.  HAVING TO FEED THE SQUIRREL THAT LIVES IN MY HAIR
 7.  I'M JUST TOO DAMN GOOFY-LOOKIN' TO TAKE SERIOUSLY
 6.  EVERY MORNING FROM 8 TO 10, IT'S PING-PONG WITH MS. CAROL 
     CHANNING
 5.  THE UNBEARABLE STENCH OF VICKS VAPORUB AND CHEDDAR 
     CHEESE
 4.  ABOUT THREE HUNDRED TIMES A DAY, I BUZZ HER ON THE 
     INTERCOM & SHOUT, "BREAKER BREAKER 109, GOOD BUDDY"
 3.  WHEN I'M OUT OF TOWN, WAY I HAVE THAT WOMAN BREAK 
     INTO HER HOUSE
 2.  I FREQUENTLY WALK AROUND THE OFFICE IN NOTYHING BUT A 
     MENENDEZ WIG
 1.  THE DAILY CANINGS

Letterman, Friday October 21, 1994
Originally aired 4/27/94
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR PAUL NEWMAN PRODUCTS

10.  CHUNKY-STYLE MAYONNAISE
 9.  COMBINATION SALAD DRESSING AND RACING OIL
 8.  THROBBING PART TARTS
 7.  CORN CHIP COLA
 6.  AEROSOL PORK
 5.  PEANUT BUTTER WITH FLEAS
 3.  CHAPSTICK WITH SUPER GLUE
 2.  NEWMAN'S OWN  SUPER TIGHT UNDERPANTS
 1.  FIG NEWMANS

Letterman, Monday, October 24, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT WINNING $70 MILLION

10.  THEY PAY YOU A DOLLAR A YEAR FOR 70 MILLION YEARS
 9.  SURE, YOU CAN AFFORD LUNCH IN NEW YORK CITY, BUT WHAT 
     ABOUT DINNER?
 8.  CITIBANK RAISES THE LIMIT ON YOUR VISA CARD TO $100 MILLION, 
     AND SUDDENLY YOU'RE IN OVER YOUR HEAD
 7.  YOU IMMEDIATELY LOSE YOUR CREDIBILITY AS A DUNK TANK 
     CLOWN
 6.  TIP A WAITER ANYTHING LESS THAN A THOUSAND BUCKS, AND 
     HE'LL CRACK YOUR SKULL WITH A PEPPER MILL
 5.  PAPERBOY TRIES TO CONVINCE YOU THAT THE NEW YORK TIMES 
     NOW COSTS $1200 A DAY
 4.  YOU KNOW YOU'LL JUST SPEND IT ON 70 MILLION MORE LOTTERY 
     TICKETS, YOU MORON
 3.  SOME CHEMICAL IN ALL THAT GREEN INK TURNS YOU INTO A 
     CRAZY LITTLE CHIPMUNK LIKE ROSS PEROT
 2.  YOU DONATE IT TO A COLLEGE & THEY NAME A BUILDING AFTER 
     YOU CALLED "LUCKY BASTARD HALL"
 1.  OVERSTUFFED WALLET MAKES YOUR ASS LOOK HUGE

Letterman, Friday, October 28, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD HALLOWEEN PARTY

10.  JACK-O-LANTERN LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE THE NEIGHBORHOOD 
     MAILMAN'S HEAD
 9.  A GUY FROM DOMINO'S DELIVERS A PIZZA--AND WINS BEST 
     COSTUME
 8.  SHIRTLESS ED ASNER WALKING AROUND AS "THE WOLFMAN"
 7.  YOU SEE THE GUY DRESSED AS PRESIDENT CLINTON COMING OUT 
     OF THE BEDROOM WITH YOUR WIFE
 6.  THEY'RE SERVICING HAUNTED PANCAKES
 5.  SO-CALLED GHOST, JUST THE OLD GUY FROM THE 1-800-COLLECT 
     COMMERCIALS
 4.  YOU SAY "NICE CRAZY DWARF COSTUME" TO A GUY AND HE SAYS 
     "I'M ROSS PEROT, YOU BASTARD!"
 3.  IT'S YOUR FIRST HALLOWEEN PARTY IN PRISON, AND YOU'RE THE 
     DOOR PRIZE
 2.  A WOMAN DRESSED AS LORENA BOBBITT MISTAKES YOU FOR A 
     GUY DRESSED AS JOHN BOBBITT
 1.  HEY CHESTER--THOSE AIN'T CANDY CORNS!

Letterman, Monday October 31, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE NEW SEX SURVEY

10.  MEN FINISHED THE SURVEY MUCH QUICKER THAN WOMEN
 9.  MOST COMMON SITES FOR SEX OTHER THAN BEDROOM:  CAR, 
     LIVING ROOM AND OVAL OFFICE
 8.  BURT REYNOLDS HAD A TWO-YEAR AFFAIR WITH ONE OF HIS 
     HAIRPIECES
 7.  ONLY 15% OF LADIES ARE "HAPPENIN" LADIES
 6.  98% OF ALL SEX INVOLVES AT LEAST ONE MEMBER OF THE BRITISH 
     ROYAL FAMILY
 5.  THE CHAIRMAN OF THE OSCAR MAYER CORPORATION GIGGILES 
     UNCTONROLLABLY WHEN ANYONE SAYS THE WORD "WEINER"
 4.  MOST POPULAR PICK-UP LINE:  "HI, MY NAME IS BOB BARKER"
 3.  THAT NEWT GINGRICH IS ONE SUPERNATURAL FREAKIN' LOVE 
     MACHINE
 2.  MOST COMMON TEENAGE MALE SEX FANTASY:  A PARTNER
 1.  SEX CAN GET YOU PREGNANT!

Letterman, Thursday, October 27, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS THE NANNY YOU'VE HIRED IS REALLY A MAN

10.  CONSTANTLY WHINING ABOUT PROSTATE TROUBLE
 9.  NAME ON DRIVER'S LICENSE READ:  "WALTER PAYTON"
 8.  CAN BENCH PRESS 450
 7.  AFTER CHANGING BABY'S DIAPERS, SERVICES YOUR JEEP
 6.  CONSTANTLY ADJUSTING HERSELF
 5.  HAS ADAMS APPLE THE SIZE OF A CUE BALL
 4.  ON DAY OFF APPEARS ON GERALDO
 3.  KNOWS A LITTLE TOO MUCH ABOUT MORK
 2.  WINCES WHENEVER SOMEONE MENTIONS LORENA
     BOBBITT
 1.  THE BEA ARTHUR FACTOR

Letterman Thursday, October 20, 1994
Originally aired 11/30/93
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1993

*
Top Ten Signs Your Kid Watches Too Much T.V.

10.  Instead of coughing, emits short bursts of static
 9.  Constantly murdering people in hopes of meeting Angela Lansbury
 8.  Most T.V. commercials have begun addressing him by name
 7.  You can adjust his volume using the remote control
 6.  He's seen Tom Arnold's show
 5.  Room covered with giant posters of shirtless Bob Barker
 4.  The poor little bastard's got Koppel hair
 3.  Steals batteries from your pacemaker to put in remote control
 2.  He's six and his ass covers entire couch
 1.  Always answers in the form of a question

Letterman, Wednesday October 19, 1994
Originally aired May 20, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS THE MICHAEL JACKSON/LISA MARIE MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE

10. Michael looking pale and weird lately.
 9. Their Christmas card is a copy of their pre-nuptial agreement.
 8. They no longer share the Maybelline.
 7. Michael living in a Motel 6 outside of Rochester, N.Y.
 6. Lisa Marie now dating Richard Simmons.
 5. She likes Wendy's; he's an Arby's man.
 4. Lisa Marie refused to take the four-year intensive NASA training 
    program that would teach her to moonwalk.
 3. She's making eyes at other androgynous freaks.
 2. She's found out "Neverland" refers to their sex life.
 1. He's grabbing himself again.

Letterman, Monday, November 14, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE ON A BAD DATE

10. When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now he's just 
    some guy who works in a car wash.
 9. Every few minutes his face falls into his eggs.
 8. She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named Pedro.
 7. Her Wonderbra's on backwards.
 6. Just as everything's starting to go great, you're both asked to 
    return to your cells.
 5. It's costing you $ 3.00 a minute.
 4. You order a double Whopper and he says, "My name ain't Rockefeller, 
    honey."
 3. Waiter taking your order asks, "And what can I get for your sorry-ass 
    date?"
 2. He's drunk, all hands, and keeps bragging about how he whipped Mitt 
    Romney.
 1. He won't stop screaming "Pataki!"

Letterman, Friday, November 11, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
SIGNS YOU'RE NOT A GOOD COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF

10.  THE ONLY TIME YOU SEE PEOPLE IN UNIFORM IS WHEN YOU GO TO 
     MCDONALD'S
 9.  INSTEAD OF "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" THE MARINE BAND PLAYS YOU 
     ON WITH "POP GOES THE WEASEL"
 8.  A GUY STEPS ON YOUR TOE IN AN ELEVATOR AND YOU BREAK 
     DOWN AND TELL HIM OUR NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES
 7.  AT YOUR FAVORITE CHINESE RESTAURANT THEY NAME A DISH
     AFTER YOU:  LAME DUCK
 6.  YOUR SECRET SERVICE CODE NAME IS "DRAFT DODGING 
     HILLBILLY"
 5.  YOU THINK AN M-16 IS A BUS ROUTE
 4.  WHENEVER THERE'S A 21-GUN SALUTE, YOU DIVE TO THE 
     GROUND AND WHIMPER LIKE A TERRIFIED PUPPY
 3.  INSTEAD OF CALLING YOU "MR. PRESIDENT," PEOPLE CALL YOU 
     "CAP'N BONEHEAD"
 2.  YOU'RE BETTER WITH FRITOS THAN VETOES
 1.  YOU TAKE ORDERS FROM YOUR WIFE

Letterman, Tuesday November 24, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR NAME IS ED

10. Lots of times when people see you, they say, "Hi, Ed."
 9. You receive junk mail that reads: "You may already have won, Ed."
 8. When your girlfriend breaks up with you, the letter begins "Dear Ed..."
 7. Hippies who attend all your concerts are known as "Edheads."
 6. Let's say you're playing baseball, you're the shortstop and there's a 
    pop up between you and the third baseman. You drift under it to make 
    the catch when suddenly the third baseman comes over and says, "I got 
    it, Ed."
 5. Your name rhymes with red, but it's not Fred, Ted or Ned.
 4. You always get a friendly slap on the back and knowing wink whenever 
    you run into Ed Asner.
 3. It seems like every time you get hit on the head with something, it's 
    right after someone yells "Look out Ed!"
 2. You embark on a career in rap music as Snoop Doggy Ed.
 1. You sign all your letters to Penthouse, "Jim."

Letterman, Friday, November 18, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
WORDS THAT SOUND ROMANTIC WHEN SPOKEN BY BARRY WHITE
(On Dave's Prime Time Special as performed by Barry White)

10.  JAZZERCIZE
 9.  GUBERNATORIAL
 8.  DOO-HICKEY
 7.  DWEEB
 6.  BITE ME
 5.  PRIME TIME CATASTROPHE
 4.  GINGIVITIS
 3.  PATAKI
 2.  BIG ASS HAM
 1.  OPRAH

Letterman, Tuesday November 21, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN MARIO CUOMO EXCUSES

10.  COULDN'T BEAR BEING STUCK IN ALBANY FOR ANOTHER FOUR 
     YEARS
 9.  LOST MY MOTIVATION AFTER I WON THAT $70 MILLION LOTTO
 8.  BALLOTS WERE MISCOUNTED BY NEW YORK CITY HIGH SCHOOL 
     GRADUATES
 7.  CAMPAIGN SPEECHES CONTINUALLY INTERRUPTED BY ANDREW 
     GIULIANI
 6.  SHOULDN'T HAVE ADVERTISED ON CBS PRIMETIME
 5.  PATAKI SORT OF RHYMES WITH HOCKEY--AND PEOPLE REALLY 
     LIKE HOCKEY!
 4.  DIDN'T HAVE THE GOOD SENSE TO GET CAUGHT SMOKING CRACK 
     IN A WASHINGTON, D.C. HOTEL ROOM
 3.  WHEN MR. GOTTI SAYS TAKE A DIVE, YOU TAKE A DAMN DIVE
 2.  TALKED MUJIBUR INTO VOTING FOR HIM, BUT NEVER CONVINCED 
     THAT THICK-SKULLED BASTARD SIRAJUL
 1.  THREE WORDS:  CAMPAIGN MANAGER GUMP

Letterman, Wednesday November 9, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HANDYMAN IS NUTS

10.  DRINKS ELMER'S GLUE LIKE IT WAS ROOT BEER
 9.  KEEPS TELLING YOU "TOOLS ARE LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES"
 8.  UPSIDE DOWN BLUEPRINT TELLS YOU YOU'RE STUCK WITH A 
     TOILET ON YOUR CEILING
 7.  CLAIMS TO BE THE BASTARD LOVE CHILD OF BLACK & DECKER
 6.  HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOME REPAIR, HE'S JUST A 
     PRETTY BOY ACTOR GETTING A FAT PAYCHECK
 5.  THERE'S NOTHING IN HIS TOOLBOX BUT A BOLOGNA SANDWICH 
     AND A PACK OF CONDOMS
 4.  CAN'T LIFT ARMS FROM SIDES BECAUSE OF A SUPER GLUE 
     ACCIDENT BACK IN '87
 3.  GETS HEAD CAUGHT IN A VICE
 2.  WHENEVER YOU TURN YOUR BACK HE FIRES A NAIL GUN AT 
     YOUR ASS
 1.  THAT AIN'T PUTTY!

Letterman, Thursday November 10, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SANTA PICK-UP LINES

10. "I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly."
  9. "I put the 'scroo' in Scrooge."
  8. "I've got something you can hang a wreath on."
  7. "One hour with me, honey, and you'll see flyin' reindeer!"
  6. "Buy you a Zima?"
  5. "That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you."
  4. "Uh -- yeah, that's right, I'm Kenny Rogers."
  3. "I got your stocking stuffer right here, Sirley!"
  2. "Giddy-up over here and say 'howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of 
      love!"
  1. "I've got an elf in my pants!"

Letterman, Tuesday, November 29, 199 4.
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS THE GUY HIJACKING YOUR PLANE HAS NEVER 
HIJACKED BEFORE

10.  HIS SO-CALLED "GUN" HAS A VERY STRONG LICORICE SMELL
 9.  ASKS FLIGHT ATTENDANT, "IS THIS A HIJACKING OR NO 
     HIJACKING SECTION?"
 8.  WRITES HIS NAME AND ADDRESS ON LITTLE CARD SO HE CAN GET 
     FREE SUBSCRIPTION TO IN-FLIGHT MAGAZINE
 7.  HIS ONLY DEMAND:  MORE PEANUTS!
 6.  ON HIS WAY UP TO COCKPIT, FLIGHT ATTENDANT SAYS HE'S NOT 
     ALLOWED IN FIRST CLASS, SO HE SHEEPISHLY GOES BACK TO HIS SEAT
 5.  HIS NAME TAG SAYS "HIJACKER TRAINEE"
 4.  SITS ON TOP OF THE BEVERAGE CART, SOARS DOWN THE AISLES 
     YELLING, "I'M KING OF THE SKY!"
 3.  KEEPS MUTTERING SOMETHING ABOUT HOW HIJACKING IS LIKE A 
     BOX OF CHOCOLATES
 2.  INTRODUCED TO THE CAPTAIN, HE DEMANDS TO MEET TENILLE
 1.  HE CHECKED HIS GUN

Letterman, Thursday November 3, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NEW GOVERNOR IS NUTS

10. Changes name of capital to "Funkytown."
 9. To prove he's tough on crime he has himself executed.
 8. Calls an emergency staff meeting and declares war on Nebraska.
 7. If left alone, will eat every document on his desk.
 6. Won't return phone call of the best damn mayor of the best damn city 
    of the best damn country in the world.
 5. During victory speech, screams "Are you sorry you wouldn't be my prom 
    date now, Stephanie O'Rourke?"
 4. Giggles uncontrollably whenever somebody says the word "gubernatorial."
 3. During swearing-in, insists on holding judge's hand.
 2. His date for the inaugural ball is inflatable.
 1. Keeps trying to impeach himself.

Letterman, Tuesday, November 15, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN WAYS TO MISPRONOUNCE "PATAKI"
(Presented by New York Governor-Elect George Pataki)

10. Patooky
 9. Pakaticky
 8. Paturkey
 7. Souvlaki
 6. Pat Sajacky
 5. Fat Ducky
 4. Gap Khakis
 3. Will Cut Taxes
 2. Cold Six Packy
 1. Boutros Boutros-Aki

Letterman, Wednesday, November 16, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH JUDGE ITO

10. You've renamed all of your children and pets "Lance."
 9. You're thinking about killing somebody just on the chance you'll wind 
    up in his courtroom.
 8. You call Court TV to suggest a 48-hour Ito-athon.
 7. You find him guilty! Guilty of being adorable!
 6. Your name is Robert Shapiro.
 5. You buy bags of Fritos and cut them up just to have the word "Ito" 
    for your scrapbook.
 4. In courtroom, you shout "Hold me in contempt! But just hold me!"
 3. When you see him on Court TV, you start licking the screen.
 2. You're wearing a button that says "Ito is Neato."
 1. That's not a gavel in your pants.

Letterman, Thursday, November 17, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SURPRISING FACTS ABOUT THE AVERAGE AMERICAN

10.  IN COURSE OF LIFE, WILL EAT OWN WEIGHT IN SLIM JIMS
 9.  HAS HAD AT LEAST ONE SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH A GABOR 
     SISTER
 8.  CAN NAME MORE NINJA TURTLES THAN SUPREME COURT 
     JUSTICES
 7.  CAN'T STAND THEM NO GOOD STINKIN' SWEDES
 6.  WATCHES 14 HOURS OF TELEVISION A DAY, NONE OF IT CBS
 5.  THINKS THOMAS JEFFERSON IS "THAT FUNNY BLACK GUY WHO 
     WAS MARRIED TO WEEZIE"
 4.  HAS THE MATHEMATICAL ABILITIES OF A CLYDESDALE
 3.  HAS BEEN REJECTED FROM THE SIMPSON JURY THREE TIMES
 2.  THINKS THAT EBERT COULD BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF SISKEL
 1.  HATES JOB, HATES SPOUSE, HATES, LIFE, LOVES CHEETOS

Letterman, Tuesday November 1, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN THE ELECTION

10.  YOUR CAMPAIGN MANAGER KEEPS MISPRONOUNCING YOUR 
     NAME
 9.  ON OUTSIDE OF LETTER YOU GET FROM PUBLISHERS CLEARING 
     HOUSE:  "YOU MAY ALREADY BE A LOSER!"
 8.  CAMPAIGN RALLY CHANTS OF "FOUR MORE YEARS!" REFER TO 
     YOUR PRISON SENTENCE
 7.  YOUR "MOTORCADE" IS DOWN TO A RENTAL CAR AND A FAT 
     KID ON A BIKE
 6.  ALL THE TV AD TIME YOU BOUGHT WAS ON CBS PRIME TIME
 5.  YOU RISE TO OFFER A REBUTTAL DURING A TELEVISED DEBATE, 
     AND THE MODERATOR SAYS, "SAVE YOUR SHOE LEATHER, JUNIOR!  
     WE'RE ALL VOTING FOR THE OTHER GUY!"
 4.  NEXT TO YOUR NAME ON THE BALLOT IT SAYS, "YEAH, RIGHT"
 3.  GENNIFER FLOWERS WON'T RETURN YOUR PHONE CALLS
 2.  DURING DEBATE YOUR OPPONENT SAYS, "I KNEW FORREST GUMP, 
     I WORKED WITH FORREST GUMP AND YOU'RE NO FORREST GUMP
 1.  EVEN YOU VOTED FOR THE OTHER GUY

Letterman, Wednesday November 2, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE THE PILLSBURY BAKE-OFF MORE EXCITING

10.  OVEN MITTS FULL OF ANGRY HORNETS
 9.  TO INCREASE THE LIKELIHOOD OF THRILLING BAKE OF 
     AVALANCHE, HOLD BAKE-OFF AT BOTTOM OF SNOW-COVERED 
     MOUNTAIN
 8.  CLAUDIA SCHIFFER MARCHES AROUND IN NOTHING BUT A 
     COUPLE DABS OF FROSTING
 7.  ALLOW STEROIDS
 6.  SEE HOW LONG IT TAKES TO HAIL A CAB AT RUSH HOUR
 5.  PRESIDENT CLINTON CAN ATTACK AT ANY TIME AND TRY TO EAT 
     YOUR ENTRY BEFORE THE JUDGES SEE IT
 4.  FIRST PRIZE:  $10,000.  SECOND PRIZE:  DEATH!
 3.  ALL RECIPES MUST CONTAIN BOTH "NITRO" AND "GLYCERIN"
 2.  HAVE THAT LITTLE DOUGHBOY "DO IT" WITH MRS. 
     BUTTERWORTH
 1.  GUESS WHAT?  THAT AIN'T MERINGUE!

Letterman, Tuesday November 8, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN THE NYC MARATHON

10.  YOU'VE BEEN "TRAINING" AT BLIMPIE'S
 9.  LOSING PRECIOUS MINUTES WITH YOUR FREQUENT MARLBORO 
     BREAKS
 8.  YOUR FAVORITE THREE WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ARE:  
     "MORE PIE, PLEASE"
 7.  YOU GET STUCK BEHIND AL SHARPTON
 6.  INSTEAD OF GATORADE, YOU'RE DRINKING ZIMA
 5.  BEFORE YOU'VE GONE 2 MILES, ONE OF YOUR 4-INCH HEELS SNAPS 
     OFF
 4.  INSTEAD OF THE EYE OF THE TIGER, YOU'VE GOT THE DULL STARE 
     OF A DAIRY COW
 3.  EVERY TIME YOU BEND OVER TO TIE YOUR SHOES YOU CRAMP UP 
     LIKE A SON-OF-A-BITCH
 2.  YOU RUN SEVERAL FEET THEN PUKE YOUR EVER LOVING GUTS 
     OUT
 1.  YOU'VE JUST FINISHED LAST YEAR'S MARATHON

Letterman, Friday November 4, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN WAYS TO GET DUMB GUYS TO VOTE FOR YOU

10.  PROMISE TO REPLACE PRESIDENTIAL LIMO WITH MONSTER 
     TRUCK
 9.  PASS OUT CAMPAIGN BUTTONS AND SAY, "LOOK, FREE SHINY 
     THINGS"
 8.  PROMISE THAT IF YOU WIN, YOU'LL HELP THEM GET THE MOUSE 
     TRAPS OFF THEIR FEET
 7.  IN "NIGHTLINE" INTERVIEW, KEEP CALLING TED KOPPEL "MR. 
     SNAPPLE"
 6.  SAY YOU'LL BOMB THE EVERY-LOVIN' SHORTS OFF EVERY 
     COUNTRY WHOSE NAME AIN'T SPELLED U-S-A
 5.  PROMISE TO PUBLISH A "WHERE'S WALDO" BOOK IN WHICH THE 
     ONLY THING ON EACH PAGE IS WALDO
 4.  PUT BUCKET ON HEAD, WANDER AROUND MALL PARKING LOT
 3.  NEW CAMPAIGN SLOGAN:  "UHHHHH....."
 2.  BEGIN EVERY SPEECH WITH "I AM LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES"
 1.  FREE CIRCUS TICKETS

Letterman, Monday, November 7 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE

10. "Watch out! The Amtrak float is heading this way!"
 9. "Look, Mom -- two men kissing!"
 8. "Oh my God! Somebody just dropped a can of paint on Willard!"
 7. "Hey, the N.Y. Giants' float is going the wrong way. It's losing 
     yardage."
 6. "Inflate me."
 5. "That big purple-faced thing isn't the Barney balloon -- it's Ted 
     Kennedy."
 4. "Macy's sucks!"
 3. "I'll take two pretzels, Governor Cuomo."
 2. "That's not the Dolly Parton balloon -- that's Dolly Parton."
 1. "That ain't gravy!"

Letterman, Friday, November 25, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE A SHOPAHOLIC

10. In state-of-union address, president thanks you for spurring economic 
    growth.
 9. You live in a tent in the sporting goods section of Macy's.
 8. You've dropped, but yet you continue to shop.
 7. Your last four serious relationships were with mall cops.
 6. Your name is Sally Johnson, and now there's a store called "Gap for 
    Sally Johnson."
 5. You just brained an old lady to get the last pair of five-dollar 
    mittens.
 4. You can't get your car out of the Stuckey's parking lot because 
    you've got 3,300 lbs of pecan logs in the trunk.
 3. You've even purchased some of that Zima crap.
 2. You're in a private audience with Pope John Paul II, and you ask "How 
    much for the big hat?"
 1. You've nailed both Sears and Roebuck.

       (Music: "Shop Around")

Letterman, Monday, November 28, 199 4.
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN MOVIES PLAYING IN TIMES SQUARE ON THANKSGIVING 
DAY

10.  HUMPKIN PIE
 9.  MAKIN' GRAVY
 8.  THE PANTY CLAUSE
 7.  THE WIZARD OF "AHHS"
 6.  ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF TURKEYS DOIN' IT
 5.  NATURAL BORN HOOKERS
 4.  MIRACLE ON 34-28-36 STREET
 3.  FORREST RUMP
 2.  PULP FRICTION
 1.  STUFF ME

Letterman, Thursday, November 24, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR U.S. SENATOR IS NUTS

10. He wants to be called "Cathy."
 9. Breakfast, lunch and dinner? Zima.
 8. He's spending Thanksgiving on a bus to Miami.
 7. He demonstrates support for his tobacco-growing constituents by 
    eating a pack of Luckies live on C-Span.
 6. 40-hour filibuster repeating the word "Pataki."
 5. Refers to Bob Dole as "pineapple boy."
 4. Pet project: replacing "The Star Spangled Banner" with "The Pina 
    Colada Song."
 3. Demands that each of the 28 voices in his head should get to vote.
 2. He keeps inviting Senate pages to his office to play a game called 
    "Pocket Veto."
 1. You live in North Carolina.

Letterman, Wednesday, November 23, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN WAYS THE POST OFFICE WILL SPEND THE EXTRA MONEY FROM RATE HIKE

10. Hire consultants to figure out how to plan next rate hike
 9. To find new and better ways to lose our nation's mail
 8. Stamps the size of door mats
 7. Face lift for Mr. Zip
 6. Commemorative stamp collection featuring President Clinton and all of 
    his mistresses
 5. Lobby to put a mailman on Mount Rushmore
 4. Battery-operated vibrating mail bags
 3. Special stamp glue that gives you a three hour buzz
 2. Retain the services of Robert Shapiro
 1. Ammo! Ammo! Ammo!

 (Playout: "Money" Barret Strong version)

Thursday, December 1, 199 4.

*
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR HOLIDAY TV SPECIALS

10. "The Gingrich That Stole Christmas"
 9. "Rush Limbaugh Eats a Reindeer"
 8. "Bob Hope's Dizzy Dizzy Christmas"
 7. "Frothy the Runny-Nosed Snow Monkey"
 6. "Richard Simmons' Sweatin' With Elves"
 5. "Harvey Fierstein's Hanukkah on Fire Island"
 4. "Van Damme Kick-Boxes Santa To Death"
 3. "The Dave Letterman Christmas Spectacular" 
 2. "Joycelyn Elders' Mistletoe-For-One Special"
 1. "Teddy the Red-Nosed Kennedy"

Letterman, Monday, December 19, 1994

*
TOP TEN THINGS NEW YORK CITY CABDRIVERS WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

10. Air freshener in the shape of a guy giving the finger
 9. Vibrating beaded seat cover
 8. Zima, the clear malt beverage
 7. I just want Michael & Lisa Marie to work things out
 6. A full body squeegee
 5. A Barbie doll
 4. Prozac
 3. Something to mop up the vomit
 2. A trunk full of underpants
 1. Brakes

Playout -  "Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell

Letterman, Tuesday, December 20, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH FOOTBALL

10. You spend all your free time baking brownies for John Madden
 9. Every time you get up from the couch, you pull a groin muscle
 8. You actually watched the Jets-Oilers game on Saturday
 7. You are hurled from your car after a high-speed collision and 
    your first thought is: "Oh boy, I'm in a nice tight spiral!" 
 6. You sweat Gatorade
 5. Someone says, "Pass the turkey" and you hurl that mother 60 yards
 4. All your clothes are made of pigskin
 3. After sex, you spike the pillow
 2. Your grandmother falls down the stairs and you yell, "Touchdown!" 
 1. Hash marks on your ass

Playout -  "Sundays Will Never Be the Same" 

Letterman, Monday, December 26, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE GOT IT EASY IN JAIL

10. Every night there's a mint on your pillow
 9. Bars of your cell are rusty from jacuzzi-steam
 8. Guards meet with you to help plan your escape
 7. They replaced your regular coffee with Folgers Crystals; 
    in the resulting riot 10 died
 6. You share a cell with one of the Heidi Fleiss girls
 5. You get frequent flier miles for good behavior
 4. You have a summer cell in the Hamptons
 3. Every day around 4 -- pony rides
 2. Other inmates refer to your cell as "Margaritaville"
 1. You call the warden "Daddy"


Playout - "Jailhouse Rock" 

Letterman, Tuesday, December 27, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE SICK OF THE HOLIDAYS

10. You've got red and green bags under your eyes
 9. You're serving reindeer pot pie
 8. When you hear "Sleighbells ring, are you listenin'?" you 
    scream "No! I'm not listening!" 
 7. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers in the
    ass with your BB gun
 6. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you 
 5. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some 
    guy make photocopies 
 4. You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but 
    mistletoe
 3. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears
 2. Your standard response: "And happy holidays to you too, you 
    bastard" 
 1. Two words: Tinsel Rash

Playout -  "Holiday" 

Letterman, Wednesday, December 28, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE WHITE HOUSE CHRISTMAS 
PARTY

10. "It's so nice to have a president who can play Santa without padding"
 9. "I'm sorry, Miss. There's no 'Paula Jones' on the guest list"
 8. "You make an adorable elf, Mr. Stephanopolous"
 7. "Hey, who invited Nipsey Russell?"
 6. "So what are you doing to pass the time these days, Ms. Elders?"
 5. "Stand back -- Gore's gonna do a cannonball into the eggnog"
 4. "I've never seen a wreath made of French fries before"
 3. "Check it out! A bullet just shattered my punch glass!"
 2. "See if Jimmy Carter can go 'negotiate' us another keg of brew!"
 1. "This party sucks -- let's go to Newt's"

Playout - "White Christmas"

Letterman, Wednesday, December 21, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN ITEMS ON THE NORTH POLE POLICE BLOTTER

10. More shots fired at Santa's house
 9. Elf removed from workshop with vibrating electric football 
    set in his pants
 8. Unlicensed street vendor caught selling reindeer kabobs
 7. Rudolph busted for showing what else he can make glow
 6. Noise ordinances violated by Kathie Lee's singing
 5. Rowdy teens chasing Frosty the Snowman with a hair dryer
 4. Deranged gingerbread man arrested after several hours on 
    street corner shouting "Eat me!"
 3. Mrs. Claus nabbed for hooking on 9th Avenue
 2. "Send the jaws of life: the old man's got his fat ass stuck 
     in a chimney again"
 1. Elfjacking

Playout -  "She's So Cold" - Rolling Stones

Letterman, Thursday, December 22, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN MOVIES PLAYING IN TIMES SQUARE THIS CHRISTMAS

10.  I SAW MOMMY NAILING SANTA CLAUSE
 9.  THREE ELVES AND A LITTLE LADY
 8.  NORTH POLED
 7.  NUDE AND NUDER
 6.  WON'T YOU GUIDE MY PANTS TONIGHT?
 5.  THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY BECOMES A MAN
 4.  MRS. CLAUS AND THE U.P.S. GUY
 3.  NOT-SO-TINY-TIM
 2.  JOYCELYN ELDERS:  HOME ALONE
 1.  JINGLE THIS

Letterman, Friday December 23, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS SANTA DOESN'T LIKE YOUR KID

10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
 9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
 8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
 7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam 
    peanuts 
 6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed
 5. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list
 4. Sends him off one one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee
 3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll 
    put the hurt on you!"
 2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown"
 1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

Playout:  "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"

Letterman, Friday, December 16, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN REASONS NEW YORK'S POPULATION IS LEAVING

10. PEOPLE STARTED GETTING TIRED OF PAYING $27 FOR GUM
 9. EVERYONE MIGRATED TO BEAUTIFUL NEWARK, NEW JERSEY
 8. CITIZENS DROPPING LEFT AND RIGHT FROM PATAKI FEVER
 7. BUNCH OF FOLKS GOT ON D TRAIN, DOORS DIDN'T OPEN UNTIL
    DELAWARE
 6. MANY CITIZENS FRIGHTENED BY MAYOR GIULIANI'S HAIR
 5. PEOPLE WANT TO BE WITHIN SHOOTING DISTANCE OF THE WHITE 
    HOUSE
 4. EVERY YEAR, THOUSANDS OF NEW YORKERS ARE FORCED TO 
    ENTER FEDERAL WITNESS RELOCATION PROGRAMS
 3. PEOPLE COME HOPING TO MEET BATMAN, LEAVE BITTER AND 
    ANGRY
 2. LEONA HELMSLEY + WONDERBRA = TIME TO GO
 1. TWO WORDS: THE SMELL

Playout -  "I'm Goin' Down" 

Letterman, Thursday, December 29, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY

10. BRAND OF CHAMPAGNE: DOM DELUISE
 9. AT MIDNIGHT EVERYONE GATHERS AROUND TO WATCH YOUR 
    UNCLE EARL'S PANTS  DROP
 8. YOU WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING WEARING A MEDALLION AND 
    THERE'S A NOTE FROM AL SHARPTON THAT SAYS "I'LL CALL YOU"
 7. YOU HEAR A GUY COUNT DOWN BEFORE USING THE BATHROOM
 6. JOYCELYN ELDERS IS THERE TRYING TO GET HERSELF DRUNK
 5. IT'S ELEVEN O'CLOCK AT NIGHT AND YOU'RE WATCHING ROGER 
    EBERT PLAY TWISTER
 4. SIX TIMES IN A ROW, A CHAMPAGNE CORK LODGES IN YOUR 
    TRACHEA
 3. THE SO-CALLED "PARTY HATS" ARE REALLY LETTERMAN'S OLD 
    HAIRPIECES
 2. EVERYONE'S GATHERED AROUND THE TV WATCHING THAT 
    GEEZER FROM "AMERICAN BANDSTAND"
 1. IT'S OVER BY 9:30

Playout - "Auld Lang Syne"
Letterman,  Friday, December 30, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
LISA MARIE'S TOP TEN COMPLAINTS ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON

10. Always screaming at the TV during Packers games
 9. Keeps forgetting to put the cap back on the mascara
 8. That moonwalking crap gets old real fast
 7. It's always Liz Taylor this, Liz Taylor that...
 6. I know I'm his wife -- but the man wants sex morning, noon and night!
 5. "Jackson 5" actually closer to 4 and 5/8ths
 4. The high-pitched squealing every time he sees a toy he wants
 3. Chugs a couple of Buds, falls asleep on the La-Z-Boy, and snores like 
    a son-of-a-bitch
 2. His bedroom filled with the overwhelming stench of chimp
 1. He's a great big freak!

(Playout -  "Super Freak" - Rick James)

Letterman, Friday, December 2, 199 4.
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN REAL REASONS LES ASPIN IS LEAVING

10. Kept calling Clinton "President Bubba"
 9. The nation's Defense Secretary shouldn't be scared to death of spiders
 8. One word: Amway
 7. Said he was "tired of hanging with a bunch of losers"
 6. Don't ask, don't tell
 5. Guilty admission that he'd stolen a hundred pairs of Clinton's shoes
 4. Seeing "Mrs. Doubtfire" made him aware of life options he never knew
    existed
 3. Started every cabinet meeting by yelling, "Let's bomb the crap out of
    Canada!"
 2. He and Lorena are gonna try it again
 1. Offered more money by CBS

Letterman, Monday, December 5, 1994 Originally aired 12/16/93
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1993

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU BOUGHT A BAD CHRISTMAS TREE

10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
 9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
 8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers 
    stuck into it
 7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan 
    for a joy ride
 6. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it
 5. Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top ten list
 4. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it
 3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours
 2. Some guy named Mujibur puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it
 1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

Letterman, Tuesday, December 6, 1994, Originally aired December 20, 1993
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1993

*
TOP TEN THINGS VICE PRESIDENT GORE DOES WHEN 
PRESIDENT CLINTON IS OUT OF THE COUNTRY

10.  CRUISES AROUND IN AIR FORCE ONE PICKING UP 
     CHICKS
 9.  WAITS PATIENTLY AT WHITE HOUSE GATE LIKE A LONELY 
     LABRADOR RETRIEVER
 8.  PLAYS TIC TAC TOE WITH CABS
 7.  SAME AS WHEN CLINTON'S IN THE COUNTRY:  SPENDS 
     DAY USING MASSIVE HEAD TO BUST COCONUTS
 6.  GIVES OUT HAMS
 5.  SLAPS AROUND GEORGE STEPHANOPOLIS
 4.  PUTS ON GIANT MOUSE COSTUME AND SCARES THE 
     HELL OUT OF SOCKS
 3.  BREAKS INTO CLINTON'S SECRET STASH OF 
     PRESIDENTIAL FRIES
 2.  CALLS DAN QUAYLE'S HOUSE AND SAYS "IS THE GENIUS 
     THERE?"
 1.  PRACTICES THE OLD POCKET VETO.

Letterman, Wednesday, December 7, 1994 originally aired January 14, 94
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE CBS CHRISTMAS PARTY

10. "Look at Angela Lansbury...'Blotto, She Wrote'."
 9. "I'm sorry I dozed off, Mr. Rooney.  Now what were you saying about how
     hard it is to open milk cartons?"
 8. "Oh my God, that was no pinata -- that was really Walter Cronkite!"
 7. "No fair!  Morley Safer's hogging the karaoke machine!"
 6. "More fudge, Mr. Kuralt?"
 5. "The dwarf who plays Murphy Brown's baby is sure putting away the 
     booze!"
 4. "Every year it's the same thing -- Letterman has a couple of drinks and
     breaks out his fiddle."
 3. "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman is giving turn-your-head-&-cough tests in the back room!"
 2. "Now there's a switch -- Mike Wallace is exposing himself!"
 1. "They used our Christmas bonuses to pay that idiot Letterman!"

 
Letterman, Friday, December 9, 1994 Originally aired December 17, 1993
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1993

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE A BAD SURGEON GENERAL

10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve
 9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum
 8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a 
    hospital gown
 7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator
 6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit
 5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by 
    Sally Struthers
 4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks"
 3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy
 2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be 
    taught in school
 1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima

(Playout -  "Like a Surgeon" - Weird Al Yankovic

Letterman, Monday, December 12, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN REASONS ROSEANNE WILL MAKE A GOOD MOTHER

10. Every birthday, kid gets own TV show
 9. One word name is less stressful for the child to memorize
 8. Children can earn extra money by selling stories to the Enquirer
 7. Won't make child adhere to stodgy conventions like eating with 
    silverware 
 6. Child won't have to leave home to sell all her Girl Scout cookies
 5. Breakfast, lunch and dinner -- loose meat sandwiches
 4. Mom sits on a bully and presto! Bully tortilla
 3. She's on a two-hour feeding schedule herself
 2. She took care of Tom for years
 1. Already has a "bad-ass mom" tattoo

Letterman, Tuesday, December 13, 199 4.
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN WAYS DEMOCRATS CAN INCREASE THEIR POPULARITY

10. Show up for speeches wearing one of those Judge Ito beards
 9. Give away booze-filled ceramic miniatures of Ted Kennedy
 8. Personal thank you notes to both Democratic voters
 7. Have Hillary kick Bill's ass in public
 6. Spray-paint "Regis Sucks" on buildings across the nation
 5. New surgeon general: Dr Pepper
 4. Dukakis/Tsongas in '96
 3. Change name to "the political party formerly known as Prince"
 2. Spend less time doing what Joycelyn Elders said should be taught in 
    school 
 1. Lose Hillbilly Boy

Letterman, Wednesday, December 14, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS

10. Already gave his concession speech for '96 election
 9. Arizona now called "Bubbatown"
 8. Drunken Yeltsin calling every 30 seconds on the red phone to say 
    "Merry Christmas"
 7. Each time President said "Here, kitty, kitty," George Stephanopoulos
    would rub against the podium
 6. When he screamed at Jesse Helms, "You wanna piece of me, punk?!" 
 5. Stopped speech four times to eat popcorn balls off Christmas tree
 4. Fist-banging tirade about how those pictures in Penthouse didn't do
    Paula Jones justice
 3. The President's unsolicited testimonial for Big Ass pork products
 2. Secret Service guys held Newt Gingrich while Clinton slugged him in 
    the stomach
 1. He was sweatin' gravy!

Playout - "Hail To The Chief"

Letterman, Thursday,  December 15, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SHOCKING REVELATIONS IN CLINTON'S NEW BIOGRAPHY
 
10. Regretted not serving in military after learning about the
    free meals
 9. Has had sex in every Taco Bell in District of Columbia
 8. When he first entered the White House, he yelled, "Look
    Hillary! Indoor plumbing!"
 7. Only real father figure he ever had?  Janet Reno
 6. Secret goal: beat Wilt Chamberlain's career record of
    20,000 women
 5. Whatever his problems are, it ain't for lack of a good
    breakfast
 4. As grade school homeroom representative, ordered safety
    patrol to round up cute girls
 3. Privately refers to Newt Gingrich as "a bitch"
 2. While studying at Oxford, got it on with the Queen
 1. Real name: Bubba Bubba-Ghali
 
Playout -  "Revolution" 

Letterman, Tuesday, February 7, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
Top Ten Things Dan Rather Would Never Say On The CBS Evening News 
(as presented by Dan Rather)

10. "I'm Dan Rather, your love anchor"
 9. "Connie, mind if I borrow your mascara?"
 8. "Wanna buy a fake Rolex?"
 7. "And now a report from our White House correspondent, Howie Mandel"
 6. "Maybe Letterman ought to spend some of that big-time TV money on 
     better wigs"
 5. "That's the news, I'm Oprah Winfrey"
 4. "Hey, let's bomb Alaska!"
 3. "Honey, I'll be home soon--have the tequila ready"
 2. "Good evening. I'm Dan Rather and I'm not wearing pants"
 1. "I made that last story up"

Letterman, Wednesday February 8, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS NEWT GINGRICH HAS GONE MAD WITH POWER

10. Has beaten several Democrats to death with his gavel
 9. Now claiming he invented the Fig Newton
 8. Sending bus full of Cub Scouts to conquer Mexico
 7. U.S. map on office wall reads "Newt York" and "Newt Jersey"
 6. Insists Ed Sullivan Theater be kept freezing cold -- and
    there's not a damn thing we can do about it!
 5. Has written new book: "Newt Gingrich's Contract With My Pants"
 4. Begins every session of Congress by singing "I Got You Babe"
    with Sonny Bono
 3. Actually thinks he's got as much power as Hillary
 2. He's been sportin' one of them Ito beards
 1. Two words:  the crown

Letterman, Thursday, February 9, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN REASONS DAN QUAYLE DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE 

10. Manager at Dairy Queen wouldn't give him time off to campaign 
 9. Couldn't decide which Power Ranger to choose as running mate 
 8. Wants to devote more time to looking for Waldo 
 7. Has decided to run for President of Indiana instead 
 6. Didn't know whether or not there was an 'E' at the end of Quayle 
 5. Afraid that if elected, he'd have to do whatever Hillary says 
 4. Doesn't want to live in a house that everybody keeps shooting at 
 3. Scared folks might find out he's one can short of a six-pack 
 2. Just signed to co-star with Jim Carrey in 'Dumb and Dumber 2' 
 1. He's yella

Letterman, Friday, February 10, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR VALENTINE

10. Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you
 9. FOX is starting a new show about you: "America's Least Wanted"
 8. You get a heart-shaped box filled with angry hornets
 7. The babes just don't seem to go for your home-made Star Trek uniform
 6. You're taking private tutorials with Jocelyn Elders
 5. You have one of them handsome Ito beards--and you're a woman!
 4. The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower administration
 3. You spend your vacation chasin' lizards
 2. The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy
 1. You ain't a Gingrich, but your nickname's "Newt"

Letterman, Monday February 13, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN WEIRD LOOKING DOGS
Accompanied by photos of dogs from the 119th Westminster Kennel Club 
Dog Show

10. "Obsessed with Wilford Brimley"
 9. "Minoxydil in his Alpo"
 8. "Picks up free HBO"
 7. "Gooned on malt liquor"
 6. "Previously owned by Lyle Lovett"
 5. "Grand champion: static cling division"
 4. "Needs a flea collar"
 3. "On loan from a car wash"
 2. "The third Menendez brother"
 1. "Ed Sullivan Theater rat"

Playout -  "Do the Dog" 

Letterman, Tuesday, February 14, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT ROSEANNE'S WEDDING 

10. "Honey, don't you think we should leave some cake for the guests?" 
 9. "Friends of the bride and bridegroom sit to the left, tabloid 
     reporters posing as guests, sit to the right" 
 8. "Man -- that Boutros Boutros can really dance!" 
 7. "I like this place. I hope she has her next wedding here" 
 6. "I've never seen a wedding toast made with gravy" 
 5. "The receiving line? It's over there next to the tattoo booth" 
 4. "I don't see your name on the guest list, Mr. Arnold" 
 3. "A 14-slice toaster! Perfect!"
 2. "Do I get my sitcom now, Rosie?"
 1. "I do ... for now"

Playout -  "Cut the Cake"

Letterman, Wednesday, February 15, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT PRESIDENT CLINTON'S 30TH HIGH 
SCHOOL REUNION


10.  "More Whitewater punch, Mr. President?"
 9.  "President Clinton rubbed up against me.  How much do you 
      think I could sue for?"
 8.  "Howsabout lowering taxes for your old gym class buddy?"
 7.  "So I suggested to the student council:  Screw bake sales!  
      Let's just tax the bastards!"
 6.  "Bill, do you plan to move back to Arkansas in 1996?"
 5.  "Screw the deficit -- time to mambo!"
 4.  "Well Mr. Bully isn't so tough now that I control nuclear 
      weapons, is he?"
 3.  "Anybody have any idea what the hell Reagan's doing here?"
 2.  "Hey, Lard Ass.  How's that health care crap going?"
 1.  "Run for your lives!  He's got the saxophone!"

Playout -  "Smokin' In The Boys' Room" 

Letterman, Thursday, January 26, 1995, Originally broadcast Sept 25, 1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SAN DIEGO CHARGERS EXCUSES

10. Thought we were going to be playing against them Budweiser bottles
 9. We were frightened and disoriented by halftime show
 8. Some kid in section E, row 11 kept yelling, "Chargers suck!"
 7. Wanted to get billion-dollar endorsement deals because of who we are,
    hot because we won some stupid game!
 6. If only we'd had Shapiro and Cochran on defense
 5. Ate free bags of Doritos until we were sick to our stomachs
 4. Have you ever seen a Super Bowl ring up close? Piece of crap
 3. Hard to concentrate when you're having erotic fantasies about
    Kathie Lee
 2. Pre-game pep talk by Marv Levy
 1. We've already been to Disneyland

Letterman, Monday, January 30, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE 

10. When people see you, they often ask, "Is it Halloween already?" 
 9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel 
    and _____"
 8. The best term to describe you is "super hairy" 
 7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels 
 6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device 
 5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about 
    an escaped orangutang
 4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, 
    "Oh God, no"
 3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the 6th row of 
    the Ed Sullivan Theater
 2. Hookers always telling you "Not on the first date" 
 1. Richard Simmons never follows you home 

Playout -  "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy" 
Letterman, Tuesday, January 31, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN WAYS TO ANNOY JUDGE ITO

10. Insist on taking the oath with your right hand on his beard 
 9. Point out that in Spanish, "Judge-Ito" means "little judge" 
 8. Introduce him to one of the Jackson family just so you can 
    say: "Tito, Ito ... Ito, Tito"
 7. Pull robe over head. Spin. Push into street 
 6. Tell him you thought he was great as Sulu on the old "Star 
    Trek"
 5. Keep calling his private phone number, ask to speak to Doug 
    Llewellyn
 4. Ask if you could have a conjugal visit with him 
 3. Put sugar in the gas tank of the Lancemobile 
 2. Ask permission to have a television camera in his pants 
 1. Call him "Judge Beardo"

Playout - "Divine Hammer" 

Letterman, Wednesday, February 1, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN HOT DOG VENDOR PICK UP LINES

10. "I'm a hot dog vendor by day, a love machine by night" 
 9. "If you're not a health inspector, I'd like to get to know 
     you better"
 8. "I'm a close personal friend of Oscar Mayer" 
 7. "You smell like sauerkraut"
 6. "When I think about you, I touch my hot dogs" 
 5. "May I put your change in your pocket for you?" 
 4. "Are you beautiful, or am I loopy on bus fumes?" 
 3. "Please, I beg you -- I'm a very lonely man" 
 2. "I'll make you queen of the wieners"
 1. "Kiss me and the dog is free"

Letterman, Thursday, February 2, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995s

*
TOP TEN LEAST CONVINCING ALIBIS

10. I was out drinking beer and picking up babes with Richard 
    Simmons
 9. Busy trying to get Connie Chung pregnant 
 8. Home watching CBS primetime
 7. Playing ping pong with Carol Channing
 6. Out buying hams for the audience!
 5. Was attending a PBS fundraiser with Newt Gingrich 
 4. Spent entire weekend trying to suck myself into a Pepsi bottle 
 3. Hypnotized by the sound of Casey Kasem's voice 
 2. Alone in my room doing some of that Joycelyn Elders stuff 
 1. I'm Batman!

Letterman, Friday, February 3, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT IT'S TOO DAMN COLD

10. People buying hot roasted chestnuts to put in their pants
 9. Dan and Connie doing the news huddled together in a sleeping bag
 8. Mob corpses seen skidding across the East River
 7. Times Square strip clubs advertising "Live Heavily-Dressed
    Girls!"
 6. Mario Cuomo making a fortune shoveling walks
 5. Vendors selling down-filled hot dogs
 4. This morning, Triple-A had to jumpstart Andrew Giuliani
 3. People coming into Ed Sullivan Theater just to get warm
 2. Instead of the finger, New Yorkers giving each other the mitten
 1. Cabbies wearing flannel turbans

Playout - "She's  So Cold"

Letterman, Monday, February 6, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP SEVEN WAYS TO BALANCE THE BUDGET
 
 7. Stop paying Clinton speechwriters by the word
 6. Get Letterman to pay his speeding tickets
 5. Serve canned hams at all White House state dinners
 4. Save government ink by replacing long "William Jefferson
    Clinton" signature with 70% shorter "Bob Dole" signature
 3. Make Gore and Gingrich pay for those good seats at State
    of the Union address
 2. Fire White House gardeners.  Al Gore can earn his keep by
    mowing the lawn
 1. Arkansas? Sell it

Bob Dole on Letterman, Friday February 3, 1995

*
TOP TEN WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR WAITER

10.  EIGHT HOUR LUNCH, TWO DOLLAR TIP
 9.  ASK, "EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU A REALLY BAD SINGER OR A REALLY 
     BAD ACTOR?"
 8.  AFTER HE DESCRIBES EACH SPECIAL YOU SHOUT, "SUCKS!"
 7.  WHENEVER HE WALKS BY, COUGH AND MUTTER, "MINIMUM 
     WAGE."
 6.  EVERY FEW SECONDS YELL, "MORE WAFFLE'S CUOMO!"
 5.  INSIST THAT, BEFORE ORDERING YOU BE ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE 
     LONDON BROIL
 4.  TIE TABLECLOTH AROUND NECK AND SAY, "YOU WOULDN'T 
     CHARGE SUPERMAN FOR DINNER, WOULD YOU?"
 3.  EVERY TIME YOU EAT OR DRINK, COUGH REALLY HARD
 2.  AS HE WALKS BACK TO THE KITCHEN, SCREAM, "HE'S GONNA 
     TAKE A LEAK IN THE CHOWDER!"
 1.  THREE WORDS:  EAT THE CHECK

Letterman, Friday January 13, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN ANNOUNCEMENTS THAT WILL MAKE NEW YORKERS GO NUTS 

10. 100 dollar tax rebate each time someone gives you the finger! 
 9. Tap water now available in "chunky-style"! 
 8. Oprah is moving to New York!
 7. Free tacos for all the ladies!
 6. Letterman's splitting his paycheck with us! 
 5. New ordinance requires one Gap store per citizen! 
 4. The Upper West Side is now clothing-optional! 
 3. New law: lose your friend's brooch and you're going to jail 
    for life! 
 2. The Ed Sullivan Theater is too damn cold! 
 1. We're invading New Jersey!

Playout - "New York, New York"

Letterman, Monday, January 16, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN DALLAS COWBOY EXCUSES

10. Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills 
 9. Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John 
    Madden's announce booth
 8. Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels 
 7. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big 
    deal"
 6. Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards 
 5. Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down 
 4. Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie! 
 3. Felt weird after eating bloody clams
 2. What a time to notice -- them cheerleader outfits is skimpy! 
 1. Tired of going to Disneyland

Playout -  "I'm a Loser"

Letterman, Tuesday, January 17, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN CHAPTER TITLES IN NEWT GINGRICH'S BOOK 

10. "My life on the streets as 'Newt Doggy Dogg'" 
 9. "A muzzle for Mother"
 8. "101 funny anecdotes involving Ted Kennedy, Chivas and no pants" 
 7. "Bad idea: my one date with Barney Frank" 
 6. "Let's bomb Ontario!"
 5. "'Nude' + 'cute' = 'Newt'!"
 4. "Learning to live with Donahue's hair" 
 3. "How to make love to a woman 'Newty-style'" 
 2. "Betsy Ross: Man, that bitch could sew!" 
 1. "Kiss my Republican ass!"

Playout -  "You Can't Judge a Book By Its Cover" 

Letterman, Wednesday, January 18, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN WAYS THE NEW YORK RANGERS SPENT THEIR TIME OFF

10. Joy riding on the zamboni
 9. Skeet shooting on the White House lawn
 8. Watching Oprah!
 7. You know that adorable skating bunny in the Ice Capades?
    That was me!
 6. Watched tape of 1994 Stanley Cup Game 7 -- 300 times!
 5. Trying to make time with Susan Powter
 4. Playing golf with the Yankees
 3. Eating!
 2. Keeping my stick waxed, if you know what I mean
 1. Doing Stanley Cup-sized Jello shots

Playout -  "We are the Champions"

Letterman, Friday, January 20, 1995
Copyright, Worldwide Pants, 1995TOP TEN NAMES FOR THE ROLLING STONES' TOUR 

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR LEGAL TEAM IS FALLING APART 

10. Instead of "Objection!" they keep shouting "Bingo!" 
 9. They keep asking you: "Would it kill you to say you did it?" 
 8. They're suing each other over the last cheese Danish 
 7. Before doing anything, they ask themselves, "How would Matlock 
    handle this?"
 6. The only motion they make involves their middle fingers 
 5. They giggle uncontrollably every time anyone says "briefs" 
 4. They've enlisted the services of Mr. Doug Llewellyn 
 3. They repeatedly scream at each other, "You crazy!" [video clip 
    of Mujibur and Sirajul shouting "You crazy!" in a Court TV parody] 
 2. They begin each argument by saying, "Bitchin' robe, Your Honor!" 
 1. Jacoby trying to strangle Meyers

Playout - Pick up the Pieces"
Letterman Thursday, January 19, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR LOCAL TV WEATHERMAN IS NUTS 

10. Every night, his forecast is: "It's raining men, hallelujah!" 
 9. Often asks anchorwoman to switch clothes with him 
 8. Uses expensive radar equipment to track Michelle Pfeiffer 
 7. "Satellite photos" look suspiciously like Polaroids of a desk 
    globe
 6. Appears to have the first spring robin in his mouth 
 5. Seen checking into a Motel 6 with a half-inflated weather balloon 
 4. Every night he says, "Lordy mama, it's gonna rain root beer 
    tomorrow!"
 3. The symbol on his weather map for an arctic cold front is a 
    snowman giving the finger
 2. Looks a lot like this pinhead
 1. He's got a tropical storm in his pants 

Playout - "I've Gotta Be Me," 
Letterman, Tuesday, January 24, 1995, Originally broadcast 10/3/94

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN A MEDAL 

10. Instead of music, you're ice dancing to Larry King's radio 
    show
 9. Right this minute you're shoveling driveways for beer money 
 8. You're the only speed skater not wearing pants 
 7. Two words: Team Fiji
 6. Instead of the Olympic Village you're staying at the 
    Lillehammer Days Inn
 5. You're in the biathlon and you exchanged your rifle for a 
    Toys 'R' Us gift certificate
 4. It takes a bottle of corn oil to get you in and out of your 
    luge suit
 3. You trained for the last 4 years by throwing hatchets at your 
    living room wall
 2. Your ice dancing partner is Roseanne Arnold 
 1. Your name is Tonya Harding

Playout - Olympic theme

Letterman, Wednesday, January 25, 1995,  Originally broadcast February 11, 
1994
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1994

*
TOP TEN WAYS THE U.S. OPEN WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF IT WERE 
HELD ON THE MOON


10. Guy hits a lob on Tuesday, opponent returns it on Wednesday 
 9. Announcer keeps saying lame things like "That's one short 
    volley for man, one giant match point for mankind" 
 8. In space, no one can hear John McEnroe scream 
 7. If players argue, umpire cuts off their oxygen 
 6. Final round: Michael Stich vs. one of them Star Trek dudes 
 5. Lots of laughs when line judge and his tall chair get knocked 
    over by a low-flying comet
 4. "Sampras has just smashed another blistering 2 mile an hour 
     serve!"
 3. Spectator Rush Limbaugh mistaken for Goodyear Blimp 
 2. Serve one really hard and it goes all the way around and hits 
    you in the ass
 1. Two words: floatin' trophies

Playout -  "Walking On the Moon" 
Letterman, Friday, January 27, 1995 Originally broadcast 9/7/94
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE FIRST TOM SNYDER SHOW

10. He spent the entire hour yelling, "I'm on TV! I'm on TV!"
 9. Made guests sit on his lap
 8. Referred to himself as "the artist formerly known as Tom Snyder"
 7. Tom's wacky next-door neighbor? Kramer
 6. Kept trying to sell viewers his "Snydic Track" exercise machine
 5. His hairpiece is even worse than mine
 4. On-air proposal to Lisa Marie
 3. The dude be speaking Spanish
 2. His top ten list got more laughs than ours
 1. The nose ring

Letterman, Tuesday, January 10, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN DAN QUAYLE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SLOGANS 

10. "ISN'T IT TIME WE HAD A DECENT GOLFER IN THE WHITE HOUSE?" 
 9. "I'M NOT HALF AS TERRIFYING AS THAT NEWT GUY" 
 8. "DON'T WORRY -- THE SURGEONS DIDN'T TOUCH MY BRAIN!" 
 7. "VOTE FOR CHANGE -- VOTE FOR A REPUBLICAN DRAFT DODGER!" 
 6. "QUAYLE IS AS QUAYLE DOES"
 5. "QUAYLE: THE OTHER WHITE MEAT"
 4. "I PROMISE I'LL LET MARILYN RUN THE COUNTRY" 
 3. "STARTS WITH Q -- JUST LIKE COURAGE!" 
 2. "NOT DUMB AND DUMBER. DUMBEST"
 1. "HUH?"

Letterman, Wednesday, January 11, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN WAYS HILLARY CLINTON CAN IMPROVE HER IMAGE 

10. TWO WORDS: WONDER BRA
 9. MARKET HER OWN WINE COOLER CALLED "WHITEWATER" 
 8. SNEAK UP BEHIND WARREN CHRISTOPHER AT PRESS CONFERENCES, YANK ON HIS JOWLS
 7. REVEAL REAL FIRST NAME ON "SEINFELD"
 6. MODEL HERSELF AFTER THE QUAKER OATS GUY LIKE BARBARA BUSH DID 
 5. IF ALL ELSE FAILS, BOMB THE HELL OUT OF IRAQ 
 4. SHOW KIDS THE DANGERS OF CRACK BY SMOKING SOME ON "MEET THE  PRESS"
 3. MAKE MORE PUBLIC APPEARANCES WITH LETTERMAN'S MOM
 2. START DOIN' IT WITH THE NEWT-MAN
 1. LOSE HILLBILLY BOY

Playout -  "Bitch" 

Letterman, Thursday, January 12, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pant, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN WAYS NEW YORK CITY IS CUTTING BACK 

10. From now on only one pantsless guy on the D train 
 9. Calling 911 is now $ 3.99 for the first minute, $ 2.99 each 
    additional minute
 8. Starting March 1, Brooklyn Bridge ends 75 feet short of 
    Brooklyn
 7. U-Drive-'Em subway trains
 6. No more pension plan for hookers
 5. Entire fire department replaced by one fast little mother 
    with a bucket
 4. EMS no longer responding to cases of Pataki fever 
 3. City will stop sandblasting and repainting Leona Helmsley 
 2. Letterman and Giuliani must share the same hairpiece 
 1. Selling the Bronx to New Jersey

Letterman, Thursday, February 16, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND BETTER WHEN SUNG BY A 
BARBERSHOP QUARTET 

[Presented by the Westchester Airs barbershop quartet] 

10. We're not wearing underpants!
 9. Hey! Does this look infected to you?
 8. Lance Ito is neato!
 7. My friend Jimmy was crushed by a giant squid! 
 6. We're freezing our asses off in here! 
 5. Letterman, in person, you're one ugly bastard! 
 4. Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Ghali! 
 3. Give me your wallet or I'll kick you in the groin! 
 2. Good Lord almighty, this taxicab smells like urine! 
 1. Bite me! Bite me! Bite me!


Letterman, Friday, February 17, 199 5.
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT WATCHING A REAL BASEBALL TEAM 

10. You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a 
    couple minutes earlier
 9. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip 
 8. They keep shouting "Do over!"
 7. When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the 
    dude's speakin' French
 6. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like 
    professionals
 5. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert. 
 4. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts 
    "Dinner time!"
 3. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups 
 2. You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!" 
 1. They play like the Mets

Letterman, Monday, February 20, 199 5.
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE REPUBLICAN WEEKEND 

10. "Hey, Rush -- that pot roast is for everybody!" 
 9. "Why does everybody keep referring to this place as 'Newt 
     Hampshire'?"
 8. "Screw the election -- let's go see that Brady Bunch movie!" 
 7. "Run for your lives! It's Eisenhower!" 
 6. "Once, I seen Dave Letterman open a ham using nothin' but a 
     taxicab!"
 5. "We've all had it -- Oprah just announced her candidacy!" 
 4. "Forget the issues -- what do you boys think about O.J.?" 
 3. "Gerald Ford and George Bush just went to the golf course to 
     kill a couple of spectators"
 2. "My dream ticket in '96? Kemp and Gump!" 
 1. "Hey, Senator Dole -- the Ito beard really works!" 

Letterman Tuesday, February 21, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE 

10. Instead of Alice  the live-in maid, it's Kato the live-in 
    houseboy
 9. Bobby gets sent off to an orphanage by Newt Gingrich 
 8. Some dork with a bad hairpiece keeps asking the Bradys about 
    their "brushes with the law"
 7. By the end, all three of the boys have been married to Roseanne 
 6. Wacky new foreign cousin: Boutros Boutros-Brady 
 5. The kids bear a striking resemblance to Mom's high school 
    sweetheart, Bill Clinton
 4. Cindy grounded for two weeks after firing shots at the White House 
 3. Every part is played by Paul Shaffer
 2. Gripping scene in which Mom O.D.'s and Dad plunges a hypodermic 
    needle into her heart
 1. They keep "gettin' it on" with the Osmonds 

Letterman, Wednesday, February 22, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE GAMBLING FEVER

(Presented by Wayne Newton ) 

10. At this year's Super bowl you lost $10,000 on the Buffalo Bills 
 9. Whenever you meet someone, you put a coin in his mouth and start 
    yanking on his arm
 8. You're wearin' green felt underpants
 7. When you order at Wendy's you say, "I'd like to double down on 
    some of them biggie fries"
 6. You just can't tear yourself away from the slots
 5. You've got fifty bucks that says Judge Ito will wear a pink 
    robe tomorrow
 4. When they pass around the collection plate at church, you ask, 
    "What kind of odds am I getting?"
 3. After sex, you tell your wife, "Okay, double or nothing" 
 2. You're putting it all on Letterman for best supporting actor 
 1. You owe Pete Rose money

Letterman, Thursday, February 23, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN QUESTIONS ASKED BY TOURISTS VISITING NEW YORK CITY 

10. "Does it always smell like this?"
 9. "Do you think we'll ever see our luggage again?" 
 8. "Which way to the emergency room?"
 7. "Five bucks for lousy cup of coffee?" 
 6. "Who's that gap-toothed fella with the world-famous Paul Shaffer?" 
 5. "How do I get to Seinfeld's apartment?" 
 4. "What's with Mayor Giuliani's hair?"
 3. "Is it true that the hot dogs in New York explode?" 
 2. "Which way to the hookers?"
 1. "Go what myself?"

Letterman, Friday, February 24, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN REJECTED MCDONALD'S SLOGANS

10. 'Food, folks and triple by-passes'
 9. 'Maximum taste -- minimum wage'
 8. 'Somewhat safer than smoking'
 7. 'Ronald McDonald touches most of the meat patties'
 6. 'Ask about our new McHookers'
 5. 'As mentioned by Kato Kaelin'
 4. 'Give us a week and we'll double your weight'
 3. 'We've heard that Dave Thomas guy from Wendy's dresses up like
     a woman'
 2. 'Over 90 billion served -- to Clinton alone!'
 1. 'McSucks!'

Letterman, Monday,  February 27, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
RICHARD SIMMONS' TOP TEN MARDI GRAS TIPS
(As presented by Richard Simmons in New Orleans)

10. Don't wait for the oldies--just start sweatin'
 9. Try a steaming bowl of Boutros Boutros-gumbo
 8. If you wake up in a jail cell, call Letterman collect
 7. No one wants to hear about Deal-A-Meal when they're gooned on rum
 6. Load up your shorts with hundreds of live crawfish!
 5. Hang with Hugh Downs--the man is an atomic party machine!
 4. Look both ways before throwing up in the street
 3. If at some point you find yourself standing in a wedding chapel next to
    Larry King, don't say "I do"
 2. Don't just drink. Drink-ercise!
 1. Show some ass, honey

Letterman, Tuesday, February 28, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN CELEBRITY NICKNAMES FOR DAVE

(Presented by various celebrities)

10. Heather Locklear: "Weasel Boy"
 9. George Clooney: "Nurse Dave"
 8. Cybill Shepherd: "Bonehead"
 7. John Travolta: "Lucky"
 6. Rosie O' Donnell: "David Friggin' Letterman" 
 5. Mary Tyler Moore: "Lou"
 4. John Goodman: "Monkey Boy"
 3. Siskel and Ebert: "Gump"
 2. Bob Dole: "Liberal Media Bubblehead"
 1. Helen Hunt: "Cabin Boy"

(Playout:  The Name Game)

Letterman, Wednesday, March 1, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN ITEMS ON JUDGE ITO'S THINGS-TO-DO LIST 

10. Robe shopping with Wapner
 9. Lube and oil change for the Lancemobile 
 8. Consider Court TV's request to hook up a "beard-cam" 
 7. Slap a subpoena on Mrs. Ito, if you know what I mean 
 6. Rewind videos, return them to Clarence Thomas 
 5. Send photo and resume to casting director of "Matlock" 
 4. Summon Heidi Fleiss to chambers
 3. Get O.J. to autograph book before I sentence him 
 2. End the damn trial so we can get on with our lives 
 1. Check beard for ticks

Letterman, Thursday, March 2, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN JUROR PET PEEVES

10. Marcia Clark's mini-skirts not mini enough
 9. F. Lee Bailey always hogging the pizza
 8. Keep getting in trouble for carving "Wapner Rules" into conference
    room table
 7. With all the O.J. stories removed, "National Enquirer" only half
    a page long
 6. Jury room almost as cold as Ed Sullivan Theater
 5. Keep running out of quarters for Magic Fingers jury seat
 4. Hard to listen to all that "blah-blah-blah" when you're trying to
    catnap
 3. It's been over a month, and we still ain't met Matlock
 2. Due to bureaucratic mix-up your conjugal visit is with Richard
    Simmons
 1. O.J. might wind up serving less time than us

Letterman, Friday,  March 3, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS MAYOR GIULIANI HAS GONE NUTS 

10. Appointed his hairpiece deputy mayor 
 9. Actually tried eating one of those street vendor hot dogs 
 8. Confessed to having a long-term affair with a Tenth Avenue pothole 
 7. Officially changed his name to Mayor McCheese 
 6. Thought sending the standby audience to the Gap was a good idea 
 5. Has vowed to "bomb Brooklyn back to the Stone Age" 
 4. Gracie Mansion now called "Melrose Place East" 
 3. Takes midnight strolls through Harlem in his underpants 
 2. Has ordered giant sculpture of himself next to Statue of Liberty with 
    his hand on her ass
 1. His new housekeeper? Rosa Lopez

Letterman, Monday, March 6, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE DOING BUSINESS WITH A BAD BANK 

10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other 
 9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at 
    your house begging for toast
 8. Your monthly statements are handwritten in crayon 
 7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't 
    speak English
 6. You notice Kato Kaelin sleeping in the vault 
 5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped 
    in tinfoil
 4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants 
 3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos
 2. Toll free customer service line is 1-800-GET HOSED 
 1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez 

Letterman, Tuesday, March 7, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN REJECTED METHODS OF EXECUTION IN NEW YORK STATE 

10. Lethal injection of street vendor hot dog water 
 9. Karate kick to the throat by Mayor Giuliani 
 8. Out-of-work Don Mattingly pounds you into hamburger with a Louisville 
    Slugger
 7. Blind date with some dude named Von Bulow 
 6. Being forced to watch Letterman do lame "warning labels" piece 
 5. Giant catapult that flings you to New Jersey 
 4. The exploding taxi
 3. They give you your own prime-time show on CBS 
 2. Act as own executioner (Colin Ferguson only) 
 1. Lap dance from Al Sharpton

Letterman, Wednesday, March 8, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE WATCHING TOO MUCH COURT TV 

10. Recurring nightmare about being trapped in Ito's beard 
 9. You've named your poodles "Rosa" and "Lopez" 
 8. You have overpowering urge to pay people to lie for you 
 7. You've let both foreign and domestic policy slide for months (Bill 
    Clinton only)
 6. When your kid breaks a neighbor's window, you yell, "Get in the 
    Bronco and drive!"
 5. All your erotic fantasies seem to involve bailiffs 
 4. You ask MCI to add Johnnie Cochran to your Friends and Family 
    list 
 3. Kato Kaelin no longer seems like a freeloading bonehead 
 2. You go to the supermaket every day, but all you ever buy is O.J. 
 1. You're having conjugal visits with yourself 

Letterman, Thursday, March 9, 199 5.
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN JUDGE ITO PICKUP LINES

10. "I'm gonna slap you with a love subpoena" 
 9. "Mind if I pull a Kato Kaelin and stay at your house?" 
 8. "I find you guilty -- of being a babe!" 
 7. "Care for a guided tour of my robe?"
 6. "I have something that I hope you'll find admissable" 
 5. "May I check your coat?"
 4. "How would you like to see my Exhibit A?" 
 3. "Ever since Rosa Lopez left, I've been awfully lonely" 
 2. "Would you mind checking my beard for ticks?" 
 1. "I'm Ito and you're neato!"

Letterman, Friday, March 10, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE WATCHING A BAD DAYTIME TALK SHOW 

10. Whenever host hands microphone to audience member, they say 
    "This really sucks!"
 9. You can't tell transsexuals from the transvestites 
 8. Every day, the same subject: people who married their fiances 
 7. Host tells every panelist, "Man, you are one screwed up freak" 
 6. Audience members keep asking, "Can we go watch O.J.?" 
 5. Guests take turns slow dancing with a tranquilized monkey 
 4. The topic is "Let's Look For Swedes"
 3. It's just a guy whacking people with a microphone 
 2. It stars a small, absent-minded woman named "Rosa" 
 1. Hosts keep asking "What would Gump do?" 

Letterman, Monday, March 13, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN NEW SLOGANS FOR NEW YORK CITY
--Presented by New York City cabdrivers

10. "New Jersey's psycho cousin"
 9. "Squeegeeville, U.S.A."
 8. "Giuliani Land"
 7. "The Mug-Me Town"
 6. "Dave-Onia"
 5. "The Unmagic Kingdom"
 4. "We Whack 'Em"
 3. "Villa De Regis"
 2. "The Town So Nice...Actually, It's Not So Nice"
 1. "The Big Oprah"

Letterman, Tuesday, March 14, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE IN A BAD HOSPITAL

10. You go in for routine surgery, you come out with a tail 
 9. You recognize your doctor as kid who was mopping the 
    lobby when you checked in
 8. Instead of sponge bath, they send St. Bernard to lick you 
 7. As you're going under, your surgeon says, "Man, am I baked" 
 6. In the operating room, they have one of these guys 
 5. Every couple of minutes, you hear a bugle playing Taps 
 4. All the diplomas on the wall are signed by Sally Struthers 
 3. You and your roommate have to take turns on the I.V. 
 2. Through fog of anesthesia, you hear surgeon shouting, 
    "Bring the damn Scotch tape! And plenty of it!" 
 1. Instead of "patient", they use the term "plaintiff" 

Letterman, Wednesday, March 15, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995


*
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT MICHAEL JORDAN IS OUT OF SHAPE 

10. Played whole 4th quarter in a golf cart 
 9. Constant interruptions in play because his loud wheezing 
    sounds like a whistle
 8. Now he's only three times as good as the rest of the players 
 7. More fans hurt by stray balls than at a presidential golf 
    tournament
 6. Indiana Pacers using my mom to guard him 
 5. Every timeout: two hot dogs and a big wad of cotton candy 
 4. Got winded giving the finger to Reggie Miller 
 3. Richard Simmons followed him home from yesterday's game 
 2. When he fakes left and moves right, his ass keeps goin' left 
 1. The Gatorade I.V.

Letterman, Monday, March 20, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR BREAKFAST CEREALS

10. Cap'n Kato
 9. Kellogg's Factory Floor Mystery Crunch 
 8. Al Sharpton's Frosted Medallions
 7. Extra-Sharp Corn Flakes
 6. Heidi Fleiss' Trix
 5. Dranola
 4. Ordinary K
 3. Fruit 'n' Flounder
 2. Ito's Bits-O-Beard
 1. Pataki-O's

Letterman, Tuesday, March 21, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN COMPLAINTS ABOUT THIS YEAR'S ACADEMY AWARDS 

10. VCR ran out of tape after the first 9 hours 
 9. Instead of cutting off Martin Landau, the orchestra 
    should have cut off that "Uma, Oprah" stuff 
 8. The way the guys from Price Waterhouse reeked of tequila 
 7. Backstage, a snarling Roger Ebert kept people away from 
    buffet table
 6. Five words: Letterman is as Letterman does 
 5. Several reports that Ernest Borgnine "smelled funny" 
 4. Much of the show apparently written by Nell 
 3. The Oscars weren't properly grounded
 2. The new "anatomically correct" Oscar
 1. Letterman

Letterman, Monday, April 3, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN WAYS THE METS CAN IMPROVE THIS YEAR 

10. Don't just suck -- suck 110%
 9. Require players to bet on games so they care about outcome 
 8. Instead of baseball hats -- Donahue wigs 
 7. No beers till the seventh inning
 6. A little less "polishing the bat", if you know what I mean 
 5. Wait at least until all-star break to get indicted 
 4. Stop letting Kato Kaelin sleep in the dugout 
 3. Two words: Coach Gump
 2. Forget about having Letterman host annual awards banquet 
 1. Keep the replacements

Letterman, Tuesday, April 4, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SUPRISES IN KATO KAELIN'S TESTIMONY

10. Kept high-fiving Judge Ito and saying "bitchin' beard, Dude!"
 9. At swearing-in, asked "you mean, like, I can't lie at all?"
 8. He was an original member of the rock group ABBA!
 7. Repeatedly called Marcia Clark "mommy"
 6. For last few months, he's been spending the night under Judge Ito's
    robe.
 5. Once got really desperate and traded O.J.'s Heisman for a case of hair
    mousse!
 4. Shocking revelation that he's a long-lost Menendez brother!
 3. Was ABC's first choice to host the Academy Awards!
 2. Stumped when asked to spell "O.J."
 1. Nickname: "Kato," real name: "Dorko"

Letterman, Wednesday, March 22, 1995
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR LIFEGUARD IS NUTS

10. Instead of a whistle, uses a tuba
 9. Can't say the word "buoy" without laughing hysterically 
 8. You see him stuffing his trunks with jellyfish 
 7. Sits with back to the ocean
 6. Just married a C.P.R. dummy
 5. The gold crown and the flowing velvet cape 
 4. Sees a guy drowning and says, "Sorry, pal -- I just ate 
    lunch, so I've got to wait half an hour" 
 3. Breakfast, lunch and dinner -- chlorine 
 2. She keeps breaking into David Hasselhoff's house 
 1. He's wearing nothing but a whistle

Letterman, Monday, March 27, 1995, Originally broadcast 6/27/94
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS THE MOVIE YOU'RE WATCHING WILL NOT WIN AN 
ACADEMY AWARD

(The Top Ten List Dave did on the 67th Academy Awards, Monday, March 27, 1995)

10. It still has the time code from the camcorder 
 9. Any combination of the words "police" and "academy" in 
    the title
 8. It's a movie about the Civil War and General Grant is 
    wearing Dockers
 7. You hear someone yelling, "Focus!" and you realize it's 
    the director
 6. It's a beautifully made documentary about two kids in the 
    inner city trying to realize their dream of playing professional basketball
 5. The last 20 minutes is a shot of Richie from Local 262 
    eating donuts
 4. Your date had to jam a hypodermic needle full of adrenaline 
    into your heart just to keep you awake
 3. Before it starts, you hear, "Thank you for coming to Loews, 
    sit back and relax, this movie blows!"
 2. Nude scene with Uma Thurman replaced by nude scene with 
    Strom Thurmond
 1. Four words: "Dom DeLuise is Ghandi"


*
TOP TEN REJECTED ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER MOVIE LINES 

10. "This white zinfandel is making me tipsy" 
 9. "Hey, Vern, I just saved Christmas!"
 8. "Don't I look adorable in this frilly dress?" 
 7. "Please leave my light on mommy"
 6. "Ahhh! Look out! Ants!"
 5. "I love my new Wonderbra"
 4. "Maurice, darling -- these hors d'oeuvres are scrumptious" 
 3. "Stop driving so fast, Letterman, are you trying to get us 
     killed?"
 2. "No, thanks -- chocolate cake goes straight to my ass" 
 1. "My name is Forrest Gump"

Letterman, Tuesday, March 28, 1995, Originally broadcast 8/19/94
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR 7-ELEVEN MANAGER HAS GONE NUTS 

10. Has named his two children "7" and "Eleven" 
 9. Constantly mooning his own security camera 
 8. Sleeps in back of store on a big pile of loose cheese 
    doodles
 7. Claims to be engaged to the cardboard cut-out of Kathy 
    Ireland holding a 6-pack of Bud
 6. You come in wearing neither a shirt nor shoes, and yet 
    he gives you service
 5. His freezer case is full of dead woodchucks 
 4. Operates store 2 blocks from White House and doesn't 
    sell french fries
 3. You catch him in front of the microwave with his pants 
    down
 2. Cleans assault rifle while grumbling about "those bastards 
    over at Kwik Mart"
 1. He keeps caning the burritos

Letterman, Wednesday, March 29, 1995, Originally broadcast 5/3/94

*
TOP TEN REJECTED CBS 12:30 SHOWS

10. The Courtship of Elvis' Daughter
 9. Larry King Pantsless
 8. Rescue 411--Directory Assistance Operators in Trouble
 7. Paul Shaffer as "Circus Boy"
 6. Dave Letterman's World of Animal Noises
 5. Dan Rather Reads the News in a Jamaican Accent
 4. Bob Barker's Love Connection
 3. Big and Tall Models, Inc.
 2. Can a Guy in a Bear Suit Nail Madonna?
 1. Pajama Party with Lyle and Erik


Letterman, Thursday, March 30, 1995, Originally broadcast 7/20/94
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995

*
TOP TEN REASONS NEW YORK CITY WOULD BE A GOOD PLACE FOR 
THE '96 REPUBLICAN CONVENTION

10. Constant gunfire will keep delegates from dozing off 
 9. Crowded sidewalks present an opportunity for Sen. Packwood 
    to "accidentally" bump into women
 8. 3/4 of rat population are registered Republicans 
 7. If hotels are filled, they can always break into my place 
 6. Delegates pay no city, state or federal tax on crack 
    purchases
 5. Chance to take part in weekly Mets tryouts, maybe become 
    Major League baseball player!
 4. Would be fun to watch Dan Quayle trying to figure out 
    a subway map
 3. Andrew Giuliani will be away at camp
 2. Taxis equipped with heavy duty suspension, perfect for 
    driving Rush Limbaugh
 1. Plenty of certified baby-sitters for Reagan 

Letterman, Friday, March 31, 1995, Originally broadcast 8/8/94
Copyright Worldwide Pants, Inc. 1995
*
