
		*****  F U N N Y   S T U F F  *****
===============================================================================

 Top 10 Worst Jobs in New York City

     10.   Peep Show Booth Swabber
      9.   Subway Courtesy Monitor
      8.   Projectile Catcher, Base of Empire State Building
      7.   Derelict Stubble Maintenance Man
      6.   P.R. Director, David Dukes Soul Kitchen
      5.   De-louser for Broadway Show "Cats"
      4.   Curator, American Museum of Bodily Fluids
      3.   Guy with Office Next to Rex Reed
      2.   Port Authority Singalong Leader
      1.   Mob Corpse De-bloater


Top 10 Unsuccessful Mall Shops

 10.   Jiffy-Spay
  9.   Kentucky-Fried Pinworm
  8.   One-Hour Autopsy-Mat
  7.   Fatso Riley's Airtight Hellhole
  6.   The Prescription Drug Swap Barn
  5.   Big-and-Tall-Men's Lacy Lingerie
  4.   Dr. Don's Plasma Pantry
  3.   Mookie's Cookie Nook
  2.   Giant Radioactive Red Lobster
  1.   Grandma's Old-Fashioned Smallpox-Infested Army Blankets


Top 10 New York City Pedestrian Tips

10.   The city does not employ so-called "wallet inspectors."
 9.   Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernail.
 8.   Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
 7.   John Gotti always has the right of way.
 6.   Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
 5.   Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
 4.   It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline
 3.   Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers
 2.   If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
 1.   If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.


Top 10 Least Visited New York City Tourist Attractions

     10.   The Museum of Subway Odors
      9.   Cat Meat Cook-Off
      8.   The Abandoned Auto Show
      7.   Amish Peep Shows
      6.   Chalk Body Outline Walking Tour
      5.   Knicks Games
      4.   Psychotic Loner Renaissance Fair
      3.   Mob Informant Aqua-Show
      2.   Mookie-Land
      1.   The Frozen Spit Rink


Top 10 Things Overheard in Times Square

10. "Quick! Call 911!"
 9. "I'll take a pack of gum and a ninja spike, please."
 8. "I'm pretty sure there's only one `L' in Rolex."
 7. "Valet parking at the Port Authority? What a surprise! Here are my keys."
 6. "Gibt mir die Polizei! Mach schnell!"
 5. "No cats allowed in the booth Mr. Janorkar."
 4. "You're right! It does smell a little like root beer!"
 3. "I refuse to get on the bus to Ohio until we find the rest of Mrs. Grund"
 2. "Yikes! Those hollow points really hurt!"
 1. "It's getting so you can't tell the transvestites from the transsexuals."

===============================================================================

TO:   All Employees
FROM: The Management
RE:   Restroom Trip Policy (RTP)

     In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom
under informal guidelines.

     Effective January 1, 1992, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will be
established to provide a consistent method to account for all employee's
restroom time and to ensure equal treatment of all employees.

     Currently, the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped with
personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print
recognition devices. During the next week, each employee must provide
two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to his or
her supervisor. The voice print recognition stations will be operational
(but not restricted) for the rest of the week. Employees should acquaint
themselves with the new stations during that period.

     Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for
each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given 20
Restroom Trip Credits. Restroom Trip Credits can be accumulated from
month to month. Additional Restroom Trip Credits may be purchased
through a simple payroll deduction.

     In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed
paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three
minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds,
the roll of paper in the stall will retract, the toilet will flush,
and the stall door will open.

     If you have any questions about this new policy, please direct them
to your immediate supervisor.

     Thank you for your assistance in this matter.

===============================================================================

                      1992/93 ALASKA BIG GAME REGULATIONS
                     ATTORNEY HARVEST SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

   1. Any person with a valid Alaska State hunting license may harvest
      attorneys.

   2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use
      of currency as bait is prohibited.

   3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
      accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed
      to nearest car wash.

   4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
      machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

   5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
      Scotch" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

   6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMWs,
      Saabs, or Mercedes dealerships.

   7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100. bills,
      prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

   8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
      courtrooms, law libraries, whore houses, health spas, gay bars,
      ambulances, or hospitals.

   9. It shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess an attorney who
      has been elected to government office.

  10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a State Health Department
      inspection for AIDS, rabies and syphilis.

  11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
      reporter, drug dealer, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
      victim, physician, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose
      of hunting attorneys.

      Bag Limits:

      Yellow bellied sidewinder                          2
      Two faced tort-teaser                              1
      Back stabbing divorce litigator                    4
      Small breasted ball buster (female only)           3
      Big mouthed pus gut                                2
      Honest attorney                                    Extinct
      Cut throat                                         2
      Back stabbing whiner                               3
      Brown nosed judge kisser                           2
      Silver tongued drug defender                  $100. Bounty
      Hairy assed civil libertarian                      7

===============================================================================

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===============================================================================

You know you're from East Podunk when...

1.  You have spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
2.  You consider a six pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment
3.  When someone asks to see your ID and you show them, your belt buckle.
4.  Your Junior and Senior Prom provide Day Care.
5.  Your mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before
    telling the State Patrolman to "Kiss her ass."
6.  You have used lard in your bed.
7.  The primary color of your car is Bondo.
8.  The directions to your house include" turn off the paved road."
9.  Your dog and wallet are both on chains.
10. Your kids are eating biscuits and gravy because you just had to have
    the Yosemite Sam mud flaps for your car.
11. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
12. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
13. Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
14. Your wife's hairdo was created by a ceiling fan.
15. You see no reason to stop a a Rest Area if you have an empty gallon
    milk jug in the car.
16. You have a rag for a gas cap.
17. You dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
18. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
19. You barbecue Spam on the grill.
20. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message"For a good
    time call_________".
21. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
22. Copenhagen Tobacco sends you Christmas cards.
23. You bought yourself a VCR so you could tape wresting while you're at
    the Unemployment Office.
24. Your Dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
25. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
26. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
27. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.
28. Your house doesn't,t have curtains but your truck does.
29. Your front porch falls in and kills more than three dogs.
30. You call your boss dude.
31. You think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
32. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made
    it.
33. You have been fired from a construction job because of your
    appearance.
34. You only need one more punch on your card to a freebie at the "House
    of Tattoos."
35. Your father encouraged you to quit school as soon as the job on the
    lube rack opened.
36. You need an estimate at the barber before you get a haircut.
37. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

===============================================================================

Imagine for a moment if the computer revolution had occurred a decade or
so sooner. With all the power and chaos of the 60's, it's not to hard to
go further and pretend that

Computer Nerds Could Have Controlled Network Programming.
            by Robert S. Coats

Gilligan's Island:
The Professor finds some rare binary coconuts that can be used to upgrade
the ROM in his bamboo clone modem to support X.25. After hours of effort,
he manages to establish a connection via his papaya-based VT 100 terminal
and satellite uplink with Telenet, but falls asleep from exhaustion.
Gilligan walks up and types "+++" then "ATH" and drops the line. The
Skipper beans him with a rock and finally loses it, his seafaring years
catch up with him and he starts making lewd remarks to Mary Ann about
playing Leisure Suit Larry IV together. Meanwhile, Mr. Howell finally
figures out how to work the ISDN set that was accidentally dropped by a
passing JAL jet and has a heart attack when he hears via Dow Jones News
Retrieval that the stock market has soared above 3000 points. Ginger calls
CompuServe and E-mails some software developers in an effort to convince
them that she should would be a good model for MacStripPoker 2.0.
Eventually, all connectivity on the island is lost, when Gilligan
discovers an actor in a bad gorilla costume has shorted pins 2&3 on the
serial cable, and everybody on the island has just been echoing characters
to each other.

Beverly Hillbillies
Miss Jane tries to convince Mr. Drysdale to network all the PCs in the
bank, but, typically, he won't spend the money. Frustrated, Miss Jane
pleads with Jed Clampett to persuade Mr. Drysdale to "put in the LAN," but
Jed thinks she said "put in the ham." Jed then gets Granny to cook up a
dozen hams and has Jethro and Ellie Mae bring them to the bank. When they
arrive, everybody is out to lunch, so Jethro begins to distribute the
hams, but is frustrated when he can't get the coaxial cable to stay
attached to the ham bone. To further complicate matters, Ellie May has
brought along her pet goats, which begin to eat the ham and cable, causing
the the VAX to short out and force an emergency electronic fund transfer
of the Clampett millions to a competitive bank. As Mr. Drysdale is seen
chasing Miss Jane down the hall with a crazed look in his eye, swinging a
ham at her, Jed is heard to remark, "Weee-doggie! Why look at that Granny.
Mr. Drysdale is so happy about whut we done, he's gonna give Miss Jane her
own ham!"

The Brady Bunch
Peter uses Crosstalk Mk.4 to dial into the high school computer and,
through hacking tricks picked up from a local "adults only" BBS, is able
to access individual student's "permanent records." He scans through the
listings, then, using a clever keyboard macro, alters his completed
courses such that he won't be required to take English Lit again. However,
Jan is working in the school office at the time and is alerted to the
invasion by a diligent anti-viral TSR. She is then tormented with having
to decide to do the "right thing" or be loyal to her brother. Jan goes
home and talks to Alice, who says she should analyze all the factors and
then decide after using the new artificial intelligence software Mr. Brady
has recently installed on his '386 laptop. Jan tries to use the program,
but instead accidentally deletes all the files in the Harvard Graphics
directory, leaving Mr. Brady to blow a presentation the next day. Mrs.
Brady finds out via Jan what happened, and forces Peter to write "I will
not hack into the school computer" 5000 times with EDLIN while the rest of
the family eats angle food cake on the patio.

===============================================================================

Q:How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer #1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his
           light bulb.

Answer #2:  You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now,
            if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

Answer #3:  Whereas the party of the first part, also known as
  "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light
  Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the
  party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the
  current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
  upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
  illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
  through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the
  primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any
  spill over illumination being at the option of the party of the
  second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned
  agreement between the parties.

    The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
  limited to, the following steps:

    1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
  elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or
  any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
  (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in
  a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

   2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
  (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
  ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
  option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in
  a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal
  statutes.

   3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
  the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
  installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").
  This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
  reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same
  document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
  clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

   NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option
  of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
  authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
  revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as
  "Partnership."


Q: How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Fifteen; you got a problem with that?

Q: When will I have light?
A: When we're damn good and ready!


Q: How many drunken Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 101 - One to hold it and 100 to drink till the room spins around.

===============================================================================

                                Angels on a Pin
                             By ALEXANDER CALANDRA

  Some time ago, I received a call from a colleague who asked if I would
be the referee on the grading of an examination question.  He was about
to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the
student claimed he should receive a perfect score and would if the
system were not set up against the student.  The instructor and the
student agreed to submit this to an impartial arbiter, and I was
selected.

  I went to my colleague's office and read the examination question:
"Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with
the aid of a barometer."

  The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the
building, attach a long rope to it, lower the barometer to the street,
and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope.  The length of
the rope is the height of the building."

  I pointed out that the student really had a strong case for full
credit, since he had answered the question completely and correctly.  On
the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a
high grade for the student in his physics course.  A high grade is
supposed to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not
confirm this.  I suggested that the student have another try at
answering the question.  I was not surprised that my colleague agreed,
but I was surprised that the student did.

  I gave the student six minutes to answer the question, with the
warning that his answer should show some knowledge of physics.  At the
end of five minutes, he had not written anything.  I asked if he wished
to give up, but he said no.  He had many answers to this problem; he was
just thinking of the best one.  I excused myself for interrupting him,
and asked him to please go on.  In the next minute, he dashed off his
answer which read:

  "Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge
of the roof.  Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch.
Then, using the formula S=*+at}, calculate the height of the building."

  At this point, I asked my colleague if _he_ would give up.  He
conceded, and I gave the student almost full credit.

  In leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said
he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.
"Oh, yes," said the student.  "There are many ways of getting the height
of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.  For example, you could
take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the
barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the
building, and by the use of a simple proportion, determine the height of
the building.

  "Fine," I said.  "And the others?"

  "Yes," said the student.  "There is a very basic measurement method
that you will like.  In this method, you take the barometer and begin to
walk up the stairs.  As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of
the barometer along the wall.  You then count the number of marks, and
this will give you the height of the building in barometer units.  A
very direct method.

  "Of course, if you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the
barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine
the value of 'g' at the street level and at the top of the building.
From the difference between the two values of 'g,' the height of the
building can, in principle, be calculated."

  Finally he concluded, there are many other ways of solving the
problem.  "Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the
basement and knock on the superintendent's door.  When the
superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr.
Superintendent, here I have a fine barometer.  If you will tell me the
height of this building, I will give you this barometer.'"

  At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the
conventional answer to this question.  He admitted that he did, but said
that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to
teach him how to think, to use the "scientific method," and to explore
the deep inner logic of the subject in a pedantic way, as is often done
in the new mathematics, rather than teaching him the structure of the
subject.  With this in mind, he decided to revive scholasticism as an
academic lark to challenge the Sputnik-panicked classrooms of America.

===============================================================================

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===============================================================================

  An elderly black man walkked into the church one day, lowered himself
to his knees, looked towards the heavens, then called out, "Lord, Lord,
please listen to me."
  To his shock, a booming voice rang out, "What can I do you for you, my
son?"
  "Lord," the man replied, "I be sixty-four years old, and I never
figured out why you gave me a black skin."
  God said, "I wanted your skin to be able to withstand the burning hot
sun near the Equator."
  The man paused in thought, then asked, "Lord, why did you give me such
long legs?"
  "So you could outrun the animals of the jungle."
  "And why did I get fuzzy hair?"
   God replied patiently, "Because, my son, I did not want you to catch
your hair on the thick brush in the jungle."
   The man said, "I see." He pursed his lips, the said, "I have one more
question, Lord."
   
     "What the hell am I doing in Cleveland?"

===============================================================================

                              COMPUTER DEFINITIONS

ACCESS-         What you no longer can do to your credit card,
                since you went over your limit buying a computer.

BACK UP RELIGIOUSLY-  When a computer user says "I back up my fixed disk
                religiously," it's his way of saying "I don't make backups at
                all, I just hope and pray my hard disk doesn't crash."
                This term can also be used to describe the action someone
                takes when they back up their disk on Sunday, instead of going
                to church.

BIT-            A word used to describe computers, such as "my computer
                cost quite a bit"

BOOT-           What your wife and friends want to give you for spending
                too much time on the computer

BUG-            What your eyes do after staring at the screen for more
                than 10 minutes.  Also what your wife does to you when she
                gets tired of you spending so much time on the computer,
                and not enough time on her.

BUS-            What you ride to work in now, since you sold your car to pay
                for that fancy laser printer.

CACHE-          What you gave the computer salesman who talked you in to
                buying a computer.

CHIPS-          the fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to
                avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals

CURSOR-         What you turn in to when you find out your hard disk crashed

DISK-           What goes out in your back from sitting down in a bad
                posture for several hours a day at your computer, or from
                trying to move your laser printer.

ERROR-          What you made the first time you walked into a computer
                store to "just browse"

ESCAPE-         What your wife wishes she could do ever since you got
                a computer and started ignoring her.

EXPANSION UNIT- What you call the new room you have to add on to your
                house to hold your computer and all it's accessories.

EXECUTE-        What your family wants to do to you for buying a computer.

FAT-            What you are becoming from lack of exercise and eating
                junk food all day in front of your computer.

FILE-           What your secretary does to her nails for 7 hours a day,
                now that the computer does her work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY-         The condition a computer user's stomach, due to lack of
                exercise and a diet of junk food

HARDWARE-       tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes, and other power equipment
                that you haven't touched since you got a computer.

IBM-            An acronym which means "invest big money"

INTERRUPTS-     What your family does to you every time you sit down at the
                computer to do something important.

MEMORY-         What you start to lose since yours is overloaded
                trying to learn all those new commands.

MEMORY MODEL-   Those GIF pictures of pretty girls you've been looking at
                on your PC.

MENU-           What you'll never see again, because you're too broke to
                eat at a restaurant since you bought a computer.

MIPS-           The male version of PMS

MODEM-          Slang- used to request more, such as "gimme mo'dem thar nuts"

MOTHERBOARD-    What a daughter board turns in to after you insert a
                male D-connector (or joystick cord) into a female
                D-connector a few times.

NODE-           A verb, meaning "was aware of, as in "I node about it"

PROGRAMS-       Those shows you used to watch on television before you
                connected it to your computer to use a a monitor.

PROCESSOR SPEED-The rate at which your computer falls to the pavement after
                you throw it out your third-floor window. Also see Windows.

RAM-            What you do with your fist to the side of your computer
                when it won't work properly.

RETURN-         What you wish you could do with your computer if the store
                would let you.

SYNTAX-         A new tax the government created to get you when you're
                having fun doing something you shouldn't.

TERMINAL-       A place where you can find buses, trains, and great
                deals on hot computers.

UPGRADE-        What the computer salesman did to his standard of living
                after you walked out of the store with your new
                computer.

WINDOWS-        What you throw your computer out of after it erases a
                program that took you 2 months to write. Also see
                processor speed.

===============================================================================

A father was praying with his son at bedtime and the son was saying:
God, please take care of mommy, please take care of daddy, and
goodbye Spot.  Well, imagine Dad's surprise the next day when their
dog died!  A few days later his son was praying: God, please take
care of mommy, take care of daddy and goodbye Aunt Jane.  The next
day Aunt Jane was struck by a car and died.  Next week he prayed:
God, please take care of mommy, and goodbye Dad.  Well you can
imagine how upset Dad was!!  The next morning he drove into work at
5:00 AM in order to avoid traffic, and he locked his office door and
never allowed anyone in.  He waited until 3 that morning before
leaving and driving home.  When he finally got into his front door,
he said to his wife:  Honey! You can't imagine what an awful day I've
had!!!!  His wife replied:  You had a bad day!  The milk man died
right on our front steps!!!

===============================================================================

A Polack, a German and an Iraqi all volunteered for a scientific experiment
to determine ethnic variation in olfactory tolerance. The three were locked
into a well-heated pigpen with four pigs who had been fed a steady diet of
All-Bran and Ex-Lax. After thirty minutes, the German could take it no longer
and crawled, gasping for breath, from the pig-pen. Two hours later the
Polack left the pig-pen, a curious shade of chartreuse, and collapsed. Ten
more minutes passed before the pigs ran out begging for mercy ...

===============================================================================

                         "TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CRISIS"

'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.

The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
Knowing changes to cutover hand't a prayer.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

On Update!  On Add!  On Inquire!  On Delete!
On Batch Jobs!  On Closing!  On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights in front of the screen.

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger on the "ENTER" key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated, and deletes, they deleted,
The inquiries inquired, and the closing completed.

We tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary an abend, and all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
The user's last changes were even included.

And the users exclaimed with a snarl and taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but it's not what I want."

===============================================================================

                             DEATH OF A PROGRAMMER

Have you heard about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died? He found
himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or
Hell.

The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and
asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his
preference.

"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach,
volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"

"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"

"Sure!"  So the angel took him to another place.  Here a bunch of people
were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.

"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.

"Yup," said the angel.

"Then I'll take Hell."  Instantly he found himself plunged up to his
neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around
him.  "Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed
frantically to the angel.  "That was the demo," she replied as she
vanished.

===============================================================================

                                    THE PLAN
                             (or how SHIT HAPPENS)

In the beginning there was the plan.

And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.

And darkness fell upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke amongst themselves saying:
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinkith!"

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth:
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof!"

And the Supervisors went unto the Managers and sayeth unto them:
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it!"

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayent:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength!"

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another:
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong!"

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth:
"It promotes growth and is very powerful!"

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him:
This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency
of this company, and these areas in particular...."

And the President looked upon the plan,
and saw that it was good,
and the Plan became Policy.

This is how Shit Happens.

===============================================================================

                            WHAT TYPE OF PERSON ARE YOU ?

  1. VAIN PERSON             One who loves the smell of his own farts!
  2. AMIABLE PERSON          One who loves the smell of other peoples
                             farts!
  3. PROUD PERSON            One who thinks his farts are exceptionall
                             fine!
  4. SHY PERSON              One who releases silent farts and then
                             blushes!
  5. IMPUDENT PERSON         One who boldly farts out loud and then
                             laughs!
  6. UNFORTUNATE PERSON      One who tries very hard to fart but shits
                             instead!
  7. SCIENTIFIC PERSON       One who farts regularly but is truly conc
                             about pollution!
  8. NERVOUS PERSON          One who stops in the middle of a fart!
  9. HONEST PERSON           One who admits he farted but offers good
                             medical reasons!
 10. DISHONEST PERSON        One who farts and then blames it on the
                             dog!
 11. FOOLISH PERSON          One who surpresses a fart for hours and
                             hours!
 12. THRIFTY PERSON          One who always has several good farts
                             in reserve!
 13. ANTISOCIAL PERSON       One who excuses himself and farts in comp
                             privacy.
 14. STRATEGIC PERSON        One who covers up his farts with loud
                             coughing!
 15. SADISTIC PERSON         One who farts in bed and then fluffs the
                             covers over his bed mate!
 16. INTELLECTUAL PERSON     One who can determine from the smell of
                             a fart the precise food items consumed!
 17. ATHLETIC PERSON         One who farts at the slightest exertion!
 18. SENSITIVE PERSON        One who farts and then starts crying!

===============================================================================

                            City of New York
                      "HRA" EARLY RETIREMENT PLAN

As a result of the reduction in the availability of funds budgeted for
departmental areas, we are, unfortunately, forced to cut down on our
number of personnel.

Under the plan, older employees will be encouraged to accept early
retirement thus permitting the retention of younger personnel, who
represent our future plans.

A program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year, via retirement, will therefore be put into effect, as soon
as possible. The programme will be known as Retire Aged People Early
(RAPE).

Employees who are RAPE'd will be given the opportunity to look for other
jobs outside the company. Provided they are being RAPE'd they can
request a review of their employment records before actual retirement
takes place. This phase of the operation will will be called: Survey of
Capabilities of Retiring Early Workers (SCREW).

All employees who have been RAPE'd or SCREW'd may file an appeal with
upper management. This operation will be called: Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination (SHAFT). Under the terms of this new
policy employees may be RAPE'd once, SCREW'd twice, but may be SHAFT'd
as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If the employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to
get Half-Earning for Retired Personnel's Early Severance (HERPES). As
HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received
HERPES will no longer be RAPE'd or SCREW'd by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain, that the
company will continue it's policy to ensure that employees are well
trained through our Special High-Intensity Training programme (SHIT).
The company takes great pride in the amount of SHIT that our employees
receive. We have, and will continue to give, our employees more SHIT
than any other company in this sector. If you feel that you are not
receiving enough SHIT please see your immediate supervisor. Your
supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the
SHIT you can handle. (and then some!!)

===============================================================================



