
Announcements and Observations

Scientists at England's University of East Anglia recently discovered
that the famous ruins at Stonehenge were not, as previous believed, 
used by the Druids as a calendar.  It turns out that Stonehenge is
the oldest computer system built by mankind.  Further, it has been
determined that the Druids did not die out, but went bankrupt while
trying to debug the software.
                             - - -
True story about an unfortunate programmer at an unnamed bank: the
bank wanted to target its wealthiest customers with a direct mailing
promoting various new services and the programmer in question wrote a
program to select the 2000 wealthiest customers from the bank's
records and to generate an appropriate letter for each.  In the
process of testing the program, he made use of a fictitious customer
named Rich Bastard. 

Unfortunately, as you may already have guessed, something went amiss
and every single one of the bank's 2000 prize customers received a
letter which began "Dear Rich Bastard, . . ."  As you may have also
guessed, the programmer lost his job over the incident.
                             - - -
The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced today that the whole
sordid "Dolphin Free Tuna" campaign was a hoax.  It turns out that
the dolphins were running a protection racket, wherein the tuna were
paying them to stop, or at least drastically slow down, the evil tuna
fishing industry.

Officials first became suspicious when animal rights activists began
to demand a "Dolphin Free Beef" program.  It seems that dolphins were
turning up in railroad cattle cars being unloaded at stockyards in
Kansas City, Missouri.  An unidentified USDA spokesman was quoted as
saying, "I don't understand why everyone thinks that dolphins are so
damned smart.  Getting caught in fishing nets was plausible enough,
but Kansas City is over 1000 miles from any ocean."

