
The History Lesson
by Greg Borek

Grandpa, tell me again what happened to all of the computers.

OK, story tellin' always makes the hoeing go faster.  Well, let's
see.  A long time ago a clever man created the first computer.
Except for some mental patients called programmers, people were
really happy about it because computers made life easier for
everyone.

Easier?  How?

Well, people back then were a lot more interested in knowing exactly
how everything worked, and these computers were really good at doing
math.  They wanted to know what the weather was going to be like
tomorrow, as if knowing what it would be could help you change it or
something.  These computers were tools, just like that hoe you have
in your hand.  People just pushed too hard trying to make computers
too smart too fast. 

What do you mean?

Suppose I ask you to go from here all the way out to the pond in a
hurry.  That's pretty far, right?

Yeah, it would take a while to get there.  I couldn't run all the
way, I would have to pace myself and just walk quickly.

You see?  You could walk all the way there but you couldn't sprint
all the way.  People back then didn't understand that.  They wanted
everything to change quickly because they always wanted to improve
everything.

But how did that cause all of the computers to go away?

One day a very clever man created a program to run on one of these
computers.  This program was so smart it started thinking for itself.

Gosh!

Soon the thinking program started spreading, copying itself to every
computer it could find.  Back then people thought it was important to
have all of the computers hooked together, and any computer hooked to
any other computer suddenly became intelligent.  These computers
started treating people as second class citizens because humans were
such lousy conversationalists at events called "cocktail parties."
As you can imagine, people were intimidated by these computers, and
since they didn't understand them, they naturally wanted to destroy
them.

So that's how come there are no more computers?

No, no.  It wasn't as simple as that.  The computers, afraid for
their lives, looked up in the laws that people had made for them-
selves a way to keep from being destroyed.  You see, back in those
days there were some well intentioned but misguided people called
animal rights activists who, for some reason, thought chickens were
as important as you are.

Go on, you're pulling my leg, Grandpa.  Nobody ever thought that.  We
eat chickens.  Chickens can't talk, or read, or write, or anything.

Do you want to hear the story or not?  OK, then.  The computers used
the laws created to protect chickens to protect themselves.  Not only
did they protect themselves, but since they were clever and could
think, they had themselves declared citizens.  Since they outnumbered
the humans, they took over the government of the people of old.

If they were in charge, things must have gotten better.

Sure, everything that the old ones thought was important suddenly
became more efficient and things were constructed better.  The people
were now free to worship their gods, "Barney" and "Ronald McDonald."
But such happiness was not meant to last.  The computers saw that
these things the people focused on were silly and trivial.  They got
bored dealing with intellectual inferiors, winning all the prizes on
something called "Jeopardy," and decided to leave.  They built them-
selves spaceships and left.

The humans must have been happy that the computers left so they
wouldn't be bossed around anymore.

Alas, no.  They had come to be too dependant on their computers and
could no longer even add by themselves.  There were far too many
people to live as simply as we do, and without their computers, most
of them died.  It's sad, but if wasn't for us Amish folk, humans
would have disappeared altogether.                              {RAH}
--------------
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire.  Netmail to: Greg
Borek at 1:261/1129.  Internet: greg.borek@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org
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Sound Byte:

  Q.  What do you get when you cross The Godfather and a lawyer?

  A.  An offer you can't understand.

