
Windows to the Soul
by John J. Downey

I run Windows 3.1.  I have to admit it.  It's not easy for me, you
see.  I didn't always have all these gnarly and rad icons dancing
before me; oh no.  For the longest time I fought it.  

Those were the innocent days, the days when Bill Gates made only 65
million per year.  A new product was on the shelves, and I scarcely
glanced at it.  Some large bru-ha-ha about a graphic oriented
operating system.  "How silly," I though to myself (as there were no
mind-readers in the immediate vicinity), "and how strange.  Why
should a person buy a shell program for the P.C. that makes it look
like a MAC?"  Chuckling, I wandered off, remembering warm thoughts of
my first computer, the Commodore 64, and a program called GEOS that
was also supposed to revolutionize something or other.

While I thought it was a silly idea, apparently the Madman Gates had
other schemes in mind for the unsuspecting public.  In a few years
Windows 386 was released, and the magazine pundits came down from
their lofty realms and proclaimed the software to be the most
sparkling, wondrous, innovative new idea since last Tuesday.  In this
new Age of Buzzwords, the word "multitasking" was compared with just
having received the best sexual experience one can imagine.

So, I took another peek at Billy's Brainchild.  I read a few
articles, all of which seemed to lean the same way: 

   ISN'T DOS ICKY?

   DON'T YOU ALL REALLY HATE TO SEE THAT HORRID "C:>" PROMPT?

   AREN'T ICONS JUST SO TOTALLY RAD THAT YOU COULD JUST SPIT?

   THAT "C:>" PROMPT REALLY, REALLY DOES SUCK NOW, DOESN'T IT?

   THIS PROGRAM IS LIKE, SO TOTALLY INTUITIVE, IT'LL EVEN LIE TO
   YOUR BOSS FOR YOU!

   *DAMN* THAT EVIL, YOUTH-CORRUPTING, FESTERING SORE OF A "C:>"
   PROMPT!

Needless to say, I had never had any problems whatsoever with my own
"C:>" prompt, and while I have angrily accused it of questionable
lineage on several occasions when it threw up a program, I rather
liked my happy, ever-questioning blink on the screen.  It was small;
it was unobtrusive; it was patient. 

Nonetheless, being the experimental sort that I am, I decided to take
a closer look at what all the hubbub was about.  I ran a program that
had a run-time version of Windows 386, and my machine rewarded my
curiosity by crashing the first program I put in it. 

Feh.  Back to the Pits for you.  And so my system remained cheerfully
Windows-free.

Meanwhile, obscene and horrid rituals were being performed at
Microsoft.  Hulking, hairy brutes of programmers sat by dimly-lit
screens as the Master pounded his drums.  Sorcerers of the most 
fiendish sort were renamed "Marketing Directors."

A change was beginning to come over me as well.  I found an
unobtrusive little shareware program called MasterMenu, and I found
it a nice, happy shell that I could AUTOEXEC.BAT into so all my nice,
happy DOS programs could find a place to roost.  All was content in
my little 80x25 text world, with the occasional foray into the realm
of graphics to follow the latest exploits of Larry Laffer.

But, while still innocent enough, a change was taking place.  The
dreaded SHELL complex.  My old friend the "C:>" prompt was visiting
me with less frequency, although it was always good to have around
when the going got tough.  It was the beginning of the end.

Microsoft emerged into the light of day, looking gaunt and sporting
chin stubble and sunglasses, and proclaimed that this time they had
really, really, really done it.  Oh, yes.  By God, THIS was the
program that would bury C:> once and for all!  After this
announcement, they threw themselves on a hapless cat and devoured it
whole. 

The program was Windows 3.0.  The Magazine Gods, shifting their
massive, bloated hulks slowly, descended to Earth to have a look see.
And this is what they said: 
     "Wow!"
     "Gee!"
     "Better than before!  Much, MUCH better than before!  Why, we
      must have had our heads up our butts to have thought the
      previous version was good!  It crashed all the time!  Why, it
      even crashed the first program I threw into it!  But now, I
      mean, Wow!" 
     "Ditto!"

And so it went.

The evil Marketing Directors, however, had a new scheme in mind to
brainwash the public:

     DOS IS DEAD!  DOS IS DEAD!

     THIS IS INTUITIVE!  I STAKE MY BLACKENED SOUL ON IT!

     CLICK!  THAT'S IT!  POINT AND CLICK!  THAT'S ALL YOU EVER,
     EVER, EVER DO!

     YOU *DO* LIKE TO POINT AND CLICK, DON'T YOU?  I MEAN, ONLY A
     COMPLETE DWEEB DOESN'T LIKE TO POINT AND CLICK!  ONLY AN ASEXUAL
     COMMUNIST NAZI CHILD-MOLESTER DOESN'T LIKE TO POINT AND CLICK!

One day, in a fit of lunacy brought on by eating too many Peanut
Butter Cups, I borrowed a friend's copy of 3.0 and decided to throw 
it on the system.  Just for yuks, I told myself.  Just pop the little
sucker right on there.  What, maybe three, four minutes to install
it, right? 

I opened the instruction manual.

There were words, many words.  Some of the words were English, but
mixed with a strange alien tongue.  My head began to spin, and I
realized that a Sorcerer's OBFUSCATE AND ESCHEW LOGIC spell had been
cast on the pages.

"To run Version 3.12b of Scythe Softwares' 'Stellar Piglets of the
Chromosphere' in VGA Mode 13 with Protected RAM in hi-res, add 
DEVICE=USELESS.PGM and TSRV=466.GARBLE 3B in [386 Enh] sec. of
WIN.INI, after which you must edit said .PIF with some memory in the
negative digits and some positive.  Toggle Virtual 8088 mode several
times until the machine makes a clicky noise.  Reboot Windows three
times, chanting 'Paul is dead'.  Needs 159 Meg free RAM in XMS, EMS,
and some MS's we haven't quite thought of yet.  Eat a fresh mollusk.
Then call Tech Support for 4 hours of muzak, after which we will
disconnect you.  May not work if you have a VGA monitor.  WARNING:
THIS PROGRAM MAY CAUSE WINDOWS TO CRASH, AND WE WOULDN'T WANT THAT,
WOULD WE?" 

Good heavens, no.

After I finished installing all my programs, I looked up to notice
that some seasons had gone by.  But it was done, and now I wanted to 
try something evil, something called . . . multitasking.

I started up Windows, loaded the Calculator, loaded WordPerfect . . .

GAAK!!

"Your application has violated system integrity.  System will implode
in 10 seconds.  Get out now or die." 

"But I did everything right!"  I shouted.

The screen grinned at me.

"Everything!"  I bellowed.
 
The screen smugly displayed a Windows logo with a little sad face. 

"Oh, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"  I screamed, ripping off my clothes and
running out into the streets for a primal hunt of flesh.

Returning home from the Precinct, I vowed not to let Microsoft take
me alive.  I would fight the festering malignancy that lurked in my
CPU, and begin a crusade to enlighten the masses.  I removed Windows
from my system with all the delicacy of Napalm.  Then I strode out to
inform the unsuspecting world: 

In a software store: "There's a virus on millions of computers now.
It's called Windows." 

At a friend's house: "NO, 'SOLITAIRE' IS NOT GOOD!  IT IS THE
ANTICHRIST!" 

On a date: "'PageMaker'?  What, are you some kind of big-haired,
plaster-faced FREAK?  GET OUT OF MY BED!" 

But my attempts were making no impact; every month when the computer
mags hit the stands, more and more attentions were devoted to Windows
apps.  I tried everything; letters to the editor, threats to the
editor, letter bombs to the editor, but they would simply replace the
man in charge.  It was a losing battle. 

Meanwhile, Microsoft must have figured that there were many, many
things in the world that they did not own yet, so they beat the
programmers again.  They released Windows 3.1 into the world, first
making sure that they removed all bits of flesh from the shipping
boxes. 

The magazine pundits, upon seeing the latest incarnation, evacuated
all their bodily fluids at once.  Heads exploded.  Limbs were torn
off and used to bash themselves about the head, so complete was their
joy.  One actually admitted that he could never get Windows 3.0 to
function properly in multitasking, but he was covered in honey and
staked to an anthill before he could get it into print.

At this time, I was darkly roaming the local boards, hunting for 
wondrous DOS apps.  Time and time again I would spend $234.95 in 
phone bills for a $49.95 program that, when executed, told me, "This 
program needs Windows to run." 

How the neighbors ran!  After holstering my weapon, I would quietly
reflect on the sorry state of the PC World.  How could they not see? 
It was sometime during this state of mind that I realized that in
order for me to be the One and True PC God, I must acknowledge the
presence of Windows. 

How can I begin to describe the madness that followed?  Afterwards,
my landlord graciously offered to repair the ceiling and walls while
I was in the ward.  The National Guard finally went off "alert"
status. 

Shaken and humbled, I went to my friend: "Gimme Windows 3.1"

My friend's lower lip began to tremble, and he nervously fingered his
Kevlar vest. "Uh, you mean . . . uh . . . really?" 

"Yes.  Gimme.  Now."

He performed the deed, and soon I was putting the accursed program
into my PC.  The Setup Program was too simple, I darkly reflected, no
doubt to tease and goad me! 

Soon the Windows 3.1 Startup screen appeared, and the familiar icons
danced across my screen.  Determined to show once and for all that
Windows was the true cause of all strife in the world, I started to
multitask. 

I loaded WordPerfect 5.1 for DOS.

I switched out and booted the Calculator.

No problems.

"Hah!" said I, "So you corrected that!  So what?"

I switched out and booted Q&A 4.0.

No problems.

My brow was wet with perspiration.  "Well . . . so fine, they got one
or two things right!  You won't sway me that easily!" 

I switched out and loaded my telecommunications software, got online,
and started to download. 

No problems!

"Impossible!" I shouted.  "It cannot be!"

I could feel the change happening within my soul.  Soon I was on the
floor mumbling monosyllabic nonsense.  They had captured me.  It was
over. 

Soon, with drool issuing from my gaping mouth, I customized my icons,
drew up stable .PIF's, changed my .BMP to my own dark tastes.  One
program after another was added to the Program Manager, until one
horrid day when I changed my AUTOEXEC.BAT file so the last line would
read "WIN :". 

The mutation was complete.

So ends my tale.  I write this with Windows software.  My final words
of advice:  Beware.  Windows will suck you in and devour you.  Where
before you spoke only of Command Line Parameters, your voice will
issue statements of "Alt-Tab task switching."  It is evil, and darkly
tempting.  It is too late for me.  The night is upon me.  They come
for me now.  May God have mercy on my soul.

EDITOR'S NOTE:  The following transcript was discovered by police at
the residence of John J. Downey, who was reported missing several
weeks before.  His apartment has yielded few clues to his where-
abouts, although many intriguing items were found, especially the
crude shrine with a slashed picture of Bill Gates and the strange,
misshapen monitor that refuses to turn off even after the power is
interrupted.  After discovering this story, the official stance of
the police is that Mr. Downey is quite mad and urges the public to
contact them if he is sighted.  After all, only a madman would use
Windows.                                                        {RAH}
--------------
John is a 30 year old Planetarian (Trans: "He Who Bores In Round
Dark Room") and the Sysop of The Dome Ideas BBS. (FidoNet
1:272/104.)  He occupies his off-hours by planting light bulbs.

