
      The Saga of Captain Moo: Sex, Violence, Curds, and Whey.

        One hell of a story by Cosmic Cud and Smelly Socks.

       The blazing sun, silhoutted through the ghostly mist, crept
    over the horizen. A single tumble nerd driffted across the
    wastelands. The smell of manure wafted through the heavy air.
    As the sunlight leaked through my eyelids, I began to stir.
    And stir and stir and stir. This darn butter is never gonna
    melt! I milked myself, threw on my pack, and moooooved over
    to grab my weapons - my Holstein-Bahn and my Exavudder.
    I then donned my Reflectmoo (Leather makes me break out -
    I'm no cannibal). I picked up my cereal bowl and took a nice big
    spoonful. A look of udder disgust came over my face. "Gross!
    The Oracle of Good Luck must have crapped in my Cornflakes!"
    Flinging this aside, I called to my trusy companion Rover, and
    we were on our way!

        We were camped on the corn field, the characteristic terrain
    of Milk-ire. We galloped back towards the road, and hopped into
    my Holstein mobile. A message was waiting for me. E-mail of
    course, those stupid rookies. Now I have to go back to the Compost
    to read it. But first, I reached under my seat and grabbed my
    morning paper. The Milkire [com]Post.

         OLDEST RECRUIT MACROMAN CELEBRATES 420TH BIRTHDAY!
           "Hmmph. That old guy just doesn't seem to die."

                     HAWK ARRESTED FOR FRAUD!
              I KNEW he was using those scripts again

       Only the same old boring stuff in the paper, so I threw it away
    and got out of the Holstein mobile. I began to make my way back to
    the Compost ...

   I chucked my hemp rope into the darkened sky, and gasped in surprise
    as it held fast (and slow, no less!). I tested it out by putting my
    entire weight onto it, and then, i began to climb up. Pulling myself
    over the edge, I gasped as a whirlwind of air and water hit me in
    the face! The cyclone! To my surprise, however, the compost stood a
    quick step to my left! Quickly, I made a mad dash for it! Then I
    made a mad exclamation point for it! Finally I was safe! I frowned
    as I looked around for my pal Fred. Fred had a part time job as Gate
    Guard. His job was to guard the gate. But, now wasn't his time off -
    he had off on the second sunday of each June for about 1.2 hours.
    So, where was he? Running into the Communication Center, I typed in
    my personal identification code. Then, I typed in Suprax's personal
    identification code. Just for the fun of it, I typed in Hawk's
    personal identification code, and Ice Dragon's personal
    identification code. I quickly knelt down before the big book of
    stuff, and flipped to yesterday's information panel.

       "Oh no! Fred was killed by the hydrite guard in combat
        yesterday! I TOLD him to buy more than a Trikorder!"

    A quick check in the morgue confirmed my suspicions - Fred was dead.
    I vowed from then on that I would avenge his death. I would make my
    way down to the legendous one, the ruler of all rulers, the king of
    kings, the god of gods, the master of all masters, the driver of all
    buses, the head of the flock, the cow standing in his field, The one
    and only, umm, what was i talking about? Oh. I would avenge his
    death.

       "Overkill will pay!" I yelled!

        "Pipe down out there," said Mouse. "Some of us are trying to fix
        the @$*&^$ training equipment!"

        "Sorry.."

    The stress of the day was getting to me. I needed a drink. Heh. I
    walked into Barl's Bar. Man, did that hurt or what. Anyways.

        "Yo Barl!"

        "Gesslabt?"

        "I need a drink, and bad."

        "Gesslabt."

        "Thanx. How much do I owe you?"

        "Gesslabt."

        "Free? You mean it?"

        "Gesslabt!!!!!"

        "Oops, Sorry, here ya go .."

        "Gesslabt."

        "Yer welcome."

    I gulped down the drink, and suddenly felt much better. And, then, I
    suddenly felt much worse.

    Somehow I got out of the Compost and out into the Wastelands.
    Sitting on the ground in front of me was a camp. The fire was still
    warm, and I decided to investigate. Hiding behind stones, I made
    my way towards the tent and peeked inside. It was none other than
    the infamous Phil Ynch! I took off, and was almost to safe ground
    when a shot nailed me in the back. I collapsed to the ground as the
    tent faded into the darkness (never mind the fact that it was 9 in
    the morning and the sun was shining).

      "Ugg, I'm getting too old for this" I thought to myself. "Oh well,
      time to get a move on .."

    I began a quick pace to my special secret alcove - the hole in the
    ground to the North East. I reached it, jumped down, And
    landed next to a little device clearly marked DO NOT TOUCH. The
    obvious thing was to touch it, so, I reached out and pressed the red
    button marked GREEN BUTTON.

      Thump... Thump.
      Thump... Thump.


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

      Something grabbed my leg.. I looked down and it looked like a
      monstrous claw with squirming maggots crawling all over it!

      Another claw oozing with maggots emerged from the ground and
      reached up and grabbed my face! I SCREAMED in terror as I felt the
      burning, toxic waste sliding down my body. It burned through my
      skin and stunned my nerves. I couldn't move an inch to get away
      from this horrid beast!

    Ahh, but yes I could! For absolutely no reason whatsoever, I was
    suddenly able to run to the south! Phew.. Wiping the sweat from my
    brow, I let out a sigh.

      "Life in the wastelands just isn't like it used to be. Those damn
      rookies keep leaving those Thumpers all over the wastelands! And,
      of course, they HAVE to keep changing the design so I don't even
      know what they look like anymore.. Sheesh.."

    Again I set off, although this time i was a little more careful.

    I suddenly noticed a huge structure directly to the west of me.

      "Funny, that wasn't here yesterday..."


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