
                         STAR SPECK: DEEP SPACE MINE

                                   MERIDIOT

                              by Stanley Dunigan


   As Kuta watched, one of the cafeteria's replicators materialized another
of its generic, oddly-shaped blue cups in its receptacle.
   "I hope this is what I ordered," Kuta thought nervously, reaching out
and picking the cup up.
   "Ow! Ooooh! Hot!" She scurried quickly over to the nearest table and
dropped the hot cup on it. She then sat down and rubbed her hands in
apparent relish.
   "Well, Major, I'm glad to see you're enjoying yourself for once," a
nearby being said in a raspy, sarcastic-sounding voice, "but for the shape
of me I can't figure out why."
   "Oh, hi, Oddo," Kuta said, still contemplating her hot mug with joyful
anticipation. "Come join me. Watch me undergo the ritual of the far-too-hot
coffee. It's an old human tradition dating back to ancient, barbaric times.
Every morning they would sit down and carefully sip a cup of extremely hot
coffee before going to work. When I first heard about it, I thought it was
idiotic, but since I've tried it, it's become a tradition with me, too."
   "I trust you'll pardon me for still thinking it idiotic," Oddo said.
"After all, this is the first I've heard of it. Why would anyone purposely
make coffee too hot to drink?"
   "So that it takes a long time to drink it," Kuta explained to the obtuse
shape-shifter. "That way you have a good excuse to be late for work."
   "Ah, of course," the Odd One nodded, understanding at last. "You human-
types are so lazy."
   "Oh, are we?" Kuta snapped. "And what about you, you oddball? You don't
ever eat or drink anything at all. That's what I call lazy."
   "I gain all the nourishment and revitalization I require from my
periodic rest cycles," Oddo said proudly.
   "And what about those `just for men' vitamins I've heard you've been
taking?" Kuta asked with a knowing wink.
   "That's just a nasty rumor!" Oddo snapped at her. "Besides, they're no
good at all. I'm going to get that dirty liar Quack!"
   "So you've never eaten at all?"
   "Well, I did once. Sort of."
   "Tell me about it!" Kuta anxiously demanded.
   "Really, Major, it's none of your business," Oddo said. "Besides, I
don't know how to imitate human taste buds, saliva, digestive tracts, or
anything like that. My one attempt to eat was a rather, er, messy
experience."
   "I'll bet," giggled Kuta. "It was probably like a human baby's first
attempt to eat solid food. Yuck!"
   "Grrrr!" said Oddo. "You solidheads are so annoying, I don't know why I
put up with you."
   "Well, if that's the way you feel," Kuta snapped, "then go back to the
Omigosh Nebula with the other changemakers in the Great Stink where you
belong! See if we care!"
   "Humph!" the offended constable snorted, starting to rise from his seat.
"You know, I believe I will. Right now, as a matter of -"
   "Hold it! Wait!" Kuta whispered urgently, grabbing Oddo's arm and
forcing him back into his seat. "Stay here for just a few minutes longer."
   Before the puzzled Oddo could demand an explanation, a strange new
lifeform walked up to the table and greeted Kuta cheerily. "Hello again,
you sexy thing. And how are you the morning after?"
   "I'm always fine," Kuta said through clenched teeth, "on the morning
after a good night's sleep alone."
   "Yes, that was too bad," the weird newcomer said sadly, "but if you'll
recall, I did invite you to my place for dinner and a nightcap."
   "And if you will recall, I told you that I had already had dinner and
that I never wear night caps," Kuta retorted, "especially not with strange,
scaly segment-headed alien dirtbags. Besides, I've already got a hot, sexy
loverboy, so shoo before he sees you flirting with me and gets sore."
   "He'll get sore, all right, if I ever find him," Scaly threatened. "Who
is he? Where is he? I'll mash him like a potato! I'll tear him limb from
limb!"
   "So sorry, he's not a tree," said Oddo, after much elbow-jabbing and
winking by Kuta. "He's me."
   "You?!" the incredulous alien screeched with derisive laughter. "You?
You look like a candle wax carving who's been left out in the sun too long.
You look like a half-eaten caramel candy bar. You look like a misshapen vat
of butterscotch pudding. Why, you look positively odd!"
   "Very observant of you," the odd-looking one snorted. "Now buzz off. I
happen to be the station's security chief, and I'll slap you with a fine
for loitering."
   Snorting alien curses, the strange being stomped off in a huff.
   "Whew! Thanks, Oddo," Kuta sighed in grateful relief. "I really owe
you - hey! What are you doing?"
   "Oh, my darling, we have kept our little secret so long," Oddo breathed,
taking Kuta's hand in his and kissing it repeatedly. "I'm so happy you
finally decided to reveal it to our television audience, so they can be
happy for us, too."
   "Down, Oddo!" Kuta commanded, knocking his paws off her. "Stay, boy. Bad
dog!"
   "Hey, you started it!" Oddo growled, getting up and leaving.
   Kuta turned back to her coffee, hoping for some comfort in it, but found
that it had gone cold, too.

   "Commander's Log, Stardate Today. All of you who missed the Deviant in
the last two episodes will be thrilled to know that that's where I am right
now, and that next week it will be stolen by Commander Reicher's evil
transporter twin and used to attack the Badassians. What fun!
Unfortunately, this episode will be quite a bit tamer (and lamer), so you
might just want to go take a long bathroom break. End log entry."
   "You were right, Commander," O'Bruin told him. "We've scanned this
entire sector, and there are no other ships at all around. As a matter of
fact, all that's in sensor range is some weird star with no planets."
   "BOO!" a large planet said, appearing right in front of them.
   "Eyaaah!" Crisco yelped in alarm. "Sound Fred Alert! Sheilas up!"
   "Relax, Commander," Hax said calmly. "I'm reading it as a perfectly
ordinary (if slightly capricious) planet, covered entirely by land and
seas. Hmmm. Odd thing is, I'm only picking up a couple dozen life signs.
Must not have very good schools, or something."
   "Maybe their TVs only show old Star Speck reruns," Basher guessed.
   "Oh, no!" O'Bruin suddenly exclaimed, slapping his hand to his head. "It
can't be!"
   "What is it, Chief?" a worried Crisco asked.
   "Well, sir, I'm not sure. The Ennui ran into a cloaked planet named
Allnighter way back in their first season. The population had been slowly
reduced by poverty and starvation due to the planet's vast electric bills.
The dirty creeps kidnapped several children from the Ennui including
Quisling Crasher (and unfortunately weren't able to keep them) to
repopulate the species."
   "Kidnapping children, eh?" said Crisco. "Dang! I wish I'd brought Joke
along. You've managed to unload your pesky wife and kid, O'Bruin, at least
for awhile. Why can't I? Don't I deserve the same breaks that my inferiors
get?"
   "Yes, sir," said O'Bruin, "but Joke's too important to the show to trash
just now."
   "So is Hax," Crisco retorted, "but just read ahead a few pages!"
   "Don't worry, Benjammin'," Hax consoled him. "I'll come home in the end.
You know I always do."
   Before this rampant speculation could progress any further, the colony
on the planet hailed the Deviant. The image of the colony's leader-woman
appeared on the forward viewscreen.
   "Hello, there," she said simply.
   "Um, hi," Crisco replied, slightly disoriented. "Are you going to kidnap
us now?"
   "Ha, ha, what a sense of humor," the woman laughed. "Of course we're not
going to kidnap you. We've been out of touch for 60 years, but that doesn't
mean we're exciting or controversial. We're just calm, peaceful people who
always welcome visitors such as yourself to dinner."
   "Well, then?" prompted Crisco.
   "Welcome to dinner."
   "Thank you," Crisco said graciously. "We accept. See ya soon."

   "Our planet is named Meridiot," the leader-woman explained over
cocktails. Crisco, Hax, Basher, and O'Bruin had beamed down to the
settlement and joined the inhabitants on a bunch of low-sitting stone
benches for a somewhat less than delightful repast. (Basher had questioned
the origins of everything, and Hax had been harassed by some guy named
Doitall who constantly volunteered to help her with her food.)
   "Why do you call it that?" Basher asked, still a little irritated at the
weird food they had expected him to eat.
   "Because the idiot thing periodically travels between this show and
another one," Leader-Woman explained. "Of course, this show didn't exist 60
years ago, so it was pretty boring being in this universe up until now.
Life on the other side was even worse, though. Can you imagine what it
would be like to exist as pure consciousness without form or fun?"
   "Oh, one of those educational shows, eh?" Crisco said knowingly.
   "Yes, and boring as all get-outta-here!" Leader-Woman snapped irritably.
"And what's worse, the amount of time we're given in this universe has
become shorter and shorter over the millennia until now we have only a
single one-hour episode before we have to be packing again."
   "Yes," said Doitall, unsuccessfully trying to get an arm around Hax.
"I've been studying the phenomenon that brought us here, and have decided
that's there's no hope of breaking the cycle. Why, the next time we appear
in this show, it'll only be for a ten-second cameo appearance."
   "Exactly what phenomenon is behind this?" O'Bruin asked him curiously.
"Maybe if we understood it we could somehow arrange for you to stay
longer."
   "Don't I wish!" Doitall said with a leer at Hax. "But unfortunately the
phenomenon responsible is the `Thrill the Speckies While Insulting Their
Intelligence But Not Too Much' phenomenomenomenome...ptooey! You just can't
say that word very many times without messing up."
   "Well, too bad, so sad, you've been had," Hax said happily, quickly
moving to another table. Doitall immediately followed her (just as he had
the twenty-five times she had tried this evasive tactic before).
   "I'm afraid she's right," O'Bruin said apologetically. "Since this is a
Star Speck show, we can't buck the Speckie phenomenons and principles. Oh,
well. Might as well be toddling along now. Commander?"
   "Yes, yes, we must be going," Crisco said, rising (with some difficulty)
from his bench. "But we'll remember you during your next 60 years in Limbo.
Ta, ta."
   "Wait!" said Leader-Woman, also standing up. "You must help us. Why else
do you think you were sent here?"
   "Well..." Crisco said hesitantly.
   Noticing that Hax was starting to give in to Doitall's romantic
overtures, Basher hopped up and said, "We have duties and responsibilities
elsewhere, Commander. We must be off at once!"
   Crisco put it to a vote, and the results were 2 for staying, 1 for
going, and 1 undecided. "Ah, well, stay it is then. Doctor, I want you to
beam back to the Deviant where you'll be out of the way. O'Bruin, follow
him up and launch a probe toward that star to see if you can find out
anything about it. Hax, you and Doitall should beam up and see what you can
make of the probe's results. I think I'll beam up and take a nap."
   "In other words," Basher summarized, "`everybody beam up and do what you
usually do'."
   "That's about it," Crisco agreed.
   "Thank you for your help," Leader-Woman said gratefully. "We'll never
forget you for this."

   "Hiya, Tearin' old boy!" Quack said as the Kuta-harassing alien stomped
angrily up to the bar. "How did you enjoy the holosuite program?"
   "Terrible!" Tearin' spat. "It was hollow, but not sweet. I hated it
utterly. I want my money back!"
   Quack immediately whipped out the ever-handy copy of his no-money-back
guarantee. "See?" he said, pointing to the second paragraph. "Not only do I
not guarantee satisfaction, but I practically guarantee the reverse. But
not quite, of course."
   "Of course," Tearin' sneered. "You Fingerii are always ready to make a
dishonest dollar, even if it costs you your lives, if you get what I'm
saying."
   "Now, now," Quack said, backing off slightly and making peaceful hand
gestures. "There's no need to get violent. I can let you have the remainder
of your time with another holosuite program of your choice. How's that
sound?"
   "Oh, your hollow-headed programs are no good to me!" Tearin' spat. "Why,
the program has not yet been invented that I can enjoy!"
   "Stubborn, eh?" said Quack. "But I think I've gotcha. Did I or didn't I
notice you flirting with Major Kuta last night here at the bar?"
   "I have no idea what you noticed," Tearin' sneered.
   "And did I or didn't I notice her brush you off, both then and this
morning in the cafeteria?" Quack pressed.
   "All right, you did!" Tearin' screamed. "I hate that *&$@ attractive,
sexy woman! Hate her, I tell you!"
   "Well, I just may have a solution," Quack said with an evil smile. "One
that has worked wonderfully for me with the cold fish female that I
prefer."
   "And what's that?" Tearin' asked with a snort. "I warn you. Pint-sized
action figures from DSM's souvenir store won't cut it."
   "I wasn't about to suggest that inferior junk!" Quack said, offended.
"Those lousy `action figures' have no action in them at all. They just
stand there, looking fake and plastic. But here in the Land of Make-Believe
we have holosuites, and can make holosuite programs to suit everyone's
tastes. Get me?"
   "Sayyyyy," Tearin' said, his eyes widening. "I think you've got
something there." He produced a very large bar of old-stressed platinum and
several priceless rings and plunked them down on the counter suggestively.
"When can you have it ready for me?"
   "By the end of the episode, Money willing," Quack said, reaching a
trembling hand out to rake in the fabulous pile of wealth.
   "No you don't!" Tearin' snapped, picking up the platinum and rings and
pocketing them again. "No payment until I'm satisfied that you've done a
good job on the program."
   "Oh, all right," sighed a disappointed Quack. "But you better pay me
big-time for this. I'll have to somehow get her to enter a holosuite so she
can be scanned and duplicated holographically. That's not going to be easy.
She's a very dangerous woman, you know."
   "Yes," said Tearin'. "That's why it will be such a pleasure to `have'
her. Now get goin'. Time is money, and the sooner you finish, the more you
get paid."
   "Yeah, yeah!" said Quack, nodding and drooling vigorously until Tearin'
left the bar. "Oh, what am I going to do?" he then moaned.

   "Ah, ha!" said Hax. She was on the Deviant's bridge, analyzing the
preliminary reports from the probe. "I see some very revealing data here."
   "So do I," said Doitall, looking down the front of her uniform.
   "Oh <giggle>, you're such a card," Hax said coquettishly, giving Doitall
a mock shove.
   "That's not what you said the last time I did that," Basher complained.
   "Ahem!" said Crisco, clearing his throat in a shut-up-and-report manner.
   "Commander," Hax said, all business again. "According to these readings,
this star is highly unstable. It is at least partially responsible for the
shift, despite the Speckie phenomenon quoted earlier."
   "The star must be the `cover story' for this particular phenomenon,"
O'Bruin concluded. "Do you think we ought to mess with it?"
   Crisco looked at Hax inquiringly.
   "I won't be able to say until we get some more in-depth readings,
Commander," Hax said. "That probe is awful darned slow, you know. It'll be
several hours."
   "I've got a great idea!" Doitall said excitedly. "Why don't they all
stay here and stare at the walls while you and I beam down and make out in
the park?"
   "Sounds great!" said Hax. "Is it okay with you, Commander?"
   "Sounds like a good idea to me," Crisco said sarcastically. "I'll take
the north wall. Hooligan, you take the east wall. And O'Bruin, you watch
that west wall. Make sure it doesn't get up to its old shenanigans."
   "Right, sir," Basher and O'Bruin mumbled, glaring at Hax and Doitall as
they strode off the bridge arm-in-arm.

   "Don't you think this is a lovely planet?" Doitall asked Hax as they
walked along a lush and verdant forest path.
   "Yes," Hax agreed.
   "The kind you'd like to live on for the next 60 years?"
   "Well..."
   "With me?"
   "Hey, is that some sort of pathetic proposal, mac?" Hax asked with a
frown.
   "If it was, would you accept?" he asked, making like a grabby octopus
again.
   "Hee, hee, hee," Hax giggled, brushing his arms aside and jogging very
slowly away from him.
   "I've been waiting for centuries for the right woman to fall out of the
sky and flatten me!" Doitall screamed passionately after her. "So now that
you're here, why don't you and I go climb a tree?"
   "One of the great romantic poets you're not!" Hax said, gasping with
exhaustion and laughter as Doitall caught up to her. "Besides, I'm afraid
of heights." She regarded the nearest tree nervously.
   "Afraid of heights?" Doitall asked incredulously. "Then how in the world
can you stand to be in that silly-looking spaceship way up there? It's a
lot further off the ground than this tree is."
   "But that's different," she said, continuing to eye the tree with
distrust.
   While Hax was standing there indecisively, Doitall hopped up onto a
large, low-hanging limb and boosted her up to a position next to him.
"There," he said once she was situated. "It isn't so bad, is it?"
   "I-I suppose not," Hax said, regarding the ground below her with great
trepidation. "S-so what did you want to do up here?"
   Doitall's face immediately dove for hers, lips at the ready, but just
prior to the moment of impact, Hax lost her balance and fell to the ground.
Doitall's face smashed into the side of the tree, and he also fell to the
ground, stunned.
   After they had staggered over to a nearby pond and splashed water on
their faces, Doitall picked up some berries from off a lily pad and offered
them to Hax.
   "Yummy," she said after trying one. "What are they?"
   "Pond scum berries," he replied, gulping down several of them.
"Delicious, aren't they?"
   "Yuck!" Hax said, making choking and spitting noises. "How horrible! You
didn't ever guest star on The Munsters, did you?"
   "Nope," said Doitall. "Remember, the only other show we appear on is a
dull, boring educational show. That's why we want you to figure out how to
let us stay on this show for awhile longer. Also, some of us have personal
reasons for wanting to stay." He sat down on the grass, and gestured for
her to join him.
   When she did, he grabbed her in a passionate embrace, and they made love
all the live-long day.

   "Hey! Hey!" all the single male viewers protested loudly and angrily.
"That's not fair! You can't do that! Hax is the last cold fish hold-out,
the last Star Speck drool goddess who hasn't had a cheap affair with a
funny-looking alien guest star. First Ploi and Doctor Crasher from the Next
Degeneration performed that disgusting ritual of self-degradation, then
Kuta and now finally Hax! You've left us no female idols we can believe in
and fantasize about any more! Unfair! Unfair!"
   In an effort to make his parody readers feel a little bit better, the
author decided to modify his last paragraph thusly:
   When she did, he grabbed her in a passionate embrace. She thrashed
around violently, causing the two of them to roll helplessly down the
grassy slope and go SPLAT in a muddy stream bed. After extricating herself
from the mess, Hax gouged Doitall's eyes out and angrily stomped off to
take a shower (alone).
   "Haw! That's great!" the single male parody readers all said. "But that
doesn't change what happened in the TV episode."
   The author just shrugged briefly and went on with the parody, jumping
back to good ol' DSM for a welcome change of pace.

   "All right, Quack," Kuta snarled, stomping into the bar and targeting
the nervous Fingerii bartender. "What's all this B.S. about Moron wanting
to ask me for a date?"
   "Oh, it was nothing," Quack said, waving his hands in a dismissive
gesture. "He found a Doggo girl he liked better, anyway. But you are a very
lucky woman!" he hastily explained as Kuta advanced on him.
   "Oh, yeah?" she gritted through bared teeth. "How?"
   "You, uh, lemme see now...ah! You're the sexiest woman to walk through
that door in four whole minutes. Yeah, that's it. And for that, you win one
free hour in the holosuites."
   "Shove it, Quack!" Kuta growled, turning and stomping back toward the
door.
   "Hey! Wait a minute!" the panicked Fingerii yelled, running after her.
"How's this sound? In honor of this being our 54th episode, I award you one
free hour in the holosuite. No? All right, how about the old one-millionth
customer gimmick?"
   "Forget it, Quack!" Kuta shouted at him. "You're up to something, and I
don't want any part of it!"
   "Ta, da!" Quack screeched, leaping high into the air and executing a
graceless pirouette.
   "Huh?" a perplexed Kuta said, staring at the deranged Fingerii as he
capered madly about the bar.
   "You have just spoken the word `it' for the one-billionth time in this
bar's history!" the crazy-looking creature explained ecstatically. "For
that, you win these three fabulous prizes: the box -" he held up a large
obsidian box "- the cabinet -" he gestured over at a huge cabinet standing
nearby "- and a mystery curtain prize!" He pointed up to the three numbered
curtains on the upper level.
   "What mystery?" sneered Kuta. "Those are your holosuites behind those
curtains."
   "Uh, here," Quack stuttered, handing Kuta the box and gesturing toward
the cabinet. Kuta sighed and opened the box.
   "Oh, wow!" she said happily, pulling out a bottle of Old Banjor-Banger
whiskey. "I love this stuff!"
   She hurried over to the cabinet and flung its doors open. Inside the
massive thing were five small credit chips for the Doggo tables. "Oh,
thanks a lot, you cheapskate," she sneered.
   "Ah, but you'll love what's behind those curtains," Quack said. "So
which will it be, holosuite...I mean, curtain #1, curtain #2, or curtain
#3?"
   Kuta headed for the door.
   "Come on, Major," Quack pleaded. "Just choose a curtain and go inside...
uh, behind it to see what you've won. Please!"
   Kuta, smelling a rat (and no wonder), hurriedly ran away before Quack
could recover his wits and demand his whiskey back.
   "Oh, darn, darn, darn!" Quack yelled, jumping up and down angrily.

   Back on Meridiot, Hax and Doitall had made up again ("Moan! Groan!" went
all the single male readers) and were busily working on star-altering
calculations.
   "Eureka!" said Doitall.
   "But I just showered," Hax indignantly protested.
   "I mean, I think I've got it!" Doitall explained.
   "You've got `it', all right," she said with a lecherous grin, "but how
does that help us with our problem?"
   "Oh, forget it," Doitall moaned. "Have you got any plans figured out
yet?"
   "Nothing much. Just the usual `if it doesn't work, fire a few photon
torpedoes at it' strategy."
   "Hey, that could be the answer!" Doitall said excitedly.
   "Yeah, to our guest-star-wanting-to-stay-around problem," Hax sneered.
"Chances are, it would disrupt the shift pattern, making it shift
prematurely. We have no idea what that might do in the long run."
   "Ah, but we don't have to worry about long runs," Doitall reminded her,
"just short one-hour jogs. Let's call up the Deviant and tell them of our
brilliant success."
   "All right," Hax said, grinning conspiratorially at him. "Hax to
Deviant. Do you read me, Deviant?"
   "Yes, but not as well as Doitall does," Crisco's voice said, sounding
bored. "I hope you've come up with something, because we've all quite
frankly gotten sick of this episode, and want to finish it up as quickly as
possible."
   "Oh? I'm rather enjoying it," Hax said dreamily.
   "You would!" Crisco snapped. "Now hurry up and transmit the data
relevant to getting this thing done, here."
   After the Deviant had received Hax's uploads, Crisco said, "Now I
suppose you two want to go off and be alone somewhere, eh? Maybe walk along
a sunlit pathway, or sit on a bench by the lake and smooch for a while?"
   "Benjammin', really!" Hax said with mock indignation. "I don't care much
for your sly innuendo."
   "Well, old maniac, you know what they say. Love goes out the door when
money comes innuendo. You'd better keep that in mind."
   "Yeah, right," Hax snorted, signing off with a violent swat to the ol'
communicator badge.
   "I have an idea," Doitall whispered suggestively into her ear. "Why
don't we go down and sit by the pond again?"
   "Yeah, `sit'," Hax giggled.

   "Oh, no! Not again!" the outraged male viewers screamed in righteous
indignation.
   "Relax," said the compassionate author. "I'll abbreviate it this time,
and leave out the sloppy stuff."
   "Whew! Thanks!" they all sighed in relief.

   "So, like, we've all gotta leave, if you know what I mean, in just a
little while," Doitall said, trying futilely to beat Hax at rock-skipping.
   "Uh, huh," Hax said absently, throwing a four-skipper.
   "It's, like, too bad your photon torpedo idea didn't work out the way we
wanted it to. We'll be able to stay for a whole season once we come back,
but, like, that'll be 60 years in the future."
   "Yeah. Real bummer, man."
   "So, like, would y'all like me, like, to come with you, like?" Doitall
stuttered nervously, looking down at his feet in embarrassment.
   "Like, I suppose so," Hax said laconically.
   "Well, then it's, like, settled, eh, dude?"
   "Sure, like."
   They sat there listlessly until it started getting dark.
   "How pathetic!" the male viewers all laughed happily.

   "That's odd," Oddo said.
   "What, are you looking in a mirror?" Kuta asked.
   "No, Major, I'm looking at that thing over there," Oddo told her,
pointing across the mall at what looked like a Fingerii who had been
absorbed by the Dork.
   "That's Quack," Kuta said with a puzzled expression. "Why is he over
there aiming a camera at us?"
   "Ah, so that's what it is," the Odd One said, starting to walk over to
where Quack was. Kuta followed him, being careful to keep Oddo between
herself and the camera-using Fingerii.
   When he saw that they were walking toward him, Quack quickly scurried
into the bar and pretended to be polishing glasses.
   "All right, Quack," Kuta snapped, stomping up to him and grabbing the
hastily-concealed camera. "What's this for?"
   "Uhhhh, ummmm," Quack hummed nervously, searching frantically for
excuses. "It's just a, uh, camera, is all. I was just taking a picture of
you and Oddo. You look so good together, you know."
   "Do we really?" Oddo asked sarcastically.
   "Yeah, yeah," Quack panted, nodding his head up and down.
   "Well, then, I just have one little question."
   "W-what's that, Oddo?"
   "Why were you using a holographic camera?"
   "What?!" screeched Kuta. "A holographic camera? You mean you were trying
to make a perverted holosuite program with my - Quack! You're dead meat!"
She threw the camera onto the floor and stomped it flat.
   Grabbing the enraged Banjorian woman and ushering her forcefully out of
the bar before she could kill the trembling bartender, Oddo threw a parting
comment over his shoulder. "If I were you, Quack, I would give up the
holomovie business and go back to being a simple bartender."
   "Oh, yeah?" Quack angrily yelled at him. "Well, Michael McGravy was
right in his interview in DSM magazine #8 when he said that you were only
interesting when you weren't sure who or what you were. Since you've found
your people and origins, you've been absolutely ordinary!"
   When Oddo failed to respond, Quack banged his head on the bar in
frustration.

   Back on the Deviant, Hax had decided to visit Basher in his quarters and
torture him with her romance.
   "Y'know," she said, staring dreamily off into space. "Now that I'm
getting married, I'll probably be leaving the show and starting a family.
Ah, well. So goes life."
   Basher resisted the urge to scream, and instead tried to play like he
didn't care. "Hggrrrgh!" he growled through gritted teeth. "I reckon Quack
will be the only one disappointed by all this. He was the only one who was
ever interested in you, you know. Snort! Fume!"
   "Yeah, right, whatever you say," Hax said airily, pretending not to
notice Basher's beet-red face.
   At that moment, The Guilty One himself entered.
   "Oh, darling!" Hax exclaimed joyfully, throwing herself into his arms.
   Basher grabbed his pillow and bit it ferociously.
   "I just came by to tell you that I've informed everyone on the planet of
my imminent departure," Doitall said to Hax. "Now I'm going to beam down
and give some, er, personal farewells."
   "Don't take too long," Hax said poutishly.
   Doitall turned to leave, but Basher stopped him. "I'd like to ask you
just one question," he said.
   "What's that?" Doitall asked.
   Basher kicked the man squarely in the groin. Doitall screeched and
doubled over in agony.
   "How do you feel about her now?" Basher triumphantly inquired.
   "Oh, Hooligan, you're impossible!" Hax snapped, helping Doitall out the
door.
   After they had left, Basher continued biting large chunks out of his
pillow.

   While Quack was still recovering from his last failed attempt at Kuta-
programming, Tearin' tore into the bar and demanded to know what was taking
so long.
   "These things take time," Quack told him. "You can't rush them. Besides,
you would pick the most dangerous female in the known universe for your
perverted fantasies."
   "Now listen up, little Fingerii!" Tearin' growled ominously, grabbing
Quack by the lapels and shaking him. "I'm paying good money for this, so
you had better come across with the goods, and soon! I have ways of making
people sorry when they disappoint me."
   "R-r-relax," Quack stammered, backing away from the rich madman. "I've
got it completely under control. See this?" He fumbled desperately on the
bar behind him for something. "Ah, ha!" he said triumphantly, whipping out
a small metallic object.
   "A bottle opener?" Tearin' sneered.
   "N-no, no," Quack said, hastily fumbling up a story. "It's not an
ordinary bottle opener. It's a secret code key for decrypting top-level
security access codes disguised as an ordinary bottle opener. Get it?"
   "That's a bunch of baloney!" Tearin' growled.
   "No, it's a secret code key," Quack insisted. "What's the matter with
you, anyway? Haven't you ever watched Get Smart?"
   "No, but you'd better!" Tearin' threatened. "If you don't wise up soon,
you'll be wearing concrete galoshes!" He turned and swaggered out of the
bar.
   "Why on Underhand would I wear overshoes made out of cement?" Quack
wondered aloud. Shrugging, he walked over to his computer terminal and
inserted the bottle opener into a small slot. The terminal immediately
short-circuited.
   "Oh, crud!" Quack groaned. "I forgot that I was lying about this being a
secret code gadget. Oh, this just isn't my day!"

   Later that day, Kuta walked into Oddo's office. "You wanted to see me
about something?" she asked.
   "Yes, Major," Oddo said, gesturing to a chair that Kuta didn't take.
"It's about certain illegal accesses to top-security files."
   "I can explain everything!" Kuta hastily said. "You see, it was like
this. I -"
   "No, no, not you," Oddo said with an impatient gesture. "I mean that
some of your personnel files have been illegally accessed by an amateur
using a cheap knock-off of a James Bomb secret decoding ring. I thought I
should let you know."
   "Oh, thanks, Oddo," Kuta said, breathing a huge sigh of relief. "For a
moment there, I thought you'd...er, never mind."
   Resolving to keep a much closer eye on the major and her doings from now
on, Oddo handed her a data pad. "Here is the relevant information."
   "Someone's made a copy of all my personnel files?" Kuta asked
incredulously. "Including my tailor's records of the exact measurements he
used for the outfits he's made me? But why would anyone..."
   There was a moment of absolute silence, and then the entire station
rocked with outraged screams. Everybody took cover, thinking the place was
under attack by the Condominion or the League of Banshees or something
horrible like that.
   "Major, please!" Oddo admonished her once she had quieted down somewhat.
"There's no need to destroy the entire station just to get one dirty little
Fingerii. I can go arrest him right now, if you like. Or you could attend
to him yourself. If he turns up maimed or dead, there will be no questions
asked."
   "Oh, I'll attend to him all right!" Kuta snarled, rubbing her hands in
maniacal glee. "I'll sneak into his dirty holodeck program when that
perverted Tearin' goes in to try it out, and I will tear him to pieces!
He'll blame Quack, thinking it was programmed that way as a prank, and
we'll be rid of that slimy little fiend once and for all!"
   "Not bad," Oddo said, "but I've got a better idea."

   After a long stroll in the moonlight, Hax and Doitall were relaxing on
hard, cold stone benches in the center of the settlement's town square. He
was lying on his back, and she was giving him a massage of some sort.
   "Just think!" she said happily. "One episode from now we'll both be Star
Specking our way through life together!"
   "Yes, it sounds positively Trilling," Doitall said with a notable lack
of enthusiasm.
   "That's `Trolling' in these dumb parodies," Hax corrected him. "In any
case, you don't sound too thrilled."
   "Oh, I'm never too thrilled about anything," Doitall told her. "But
that's just my standard policy. Nothing to worry about. It's just that..."
He trailed off uncertainly.
   "Just that what?"
   "I was just thinking."
   "Aw, no!" Hax wailed in despair. "I really wish you hadn't done that.
Thinking is the death of so many wonderful relationships, you know. People
shouldn't think; they should just feel!"
   "A fine example you're setting for the viewers," Doitall said, pulling
himself slowly into a sitting position. "Besides, my people need me. I
can't leave them."
   "And why not?" Hax demanded indignantly.
   "There are so few of us," Doitall said, unconsciously repeating the
arguments Leader-Woman had used on him earlier. "We need to start families
and other communities with what we've got, not let people leave and tramp
all around the galaxy with a...um, another person. That would lessen us."
   "Oh, as if you needed `families' over there," Hax scoffed.
   "We'll need the family material all here when we get back!" Doitall
retorted. "And we'll need it in prime condition, not all old and gray. We
don't age over there, you know."
   "Oh. Well, then," said the vain Hax, "how about you and me both staying
and making the crossover? We may not be able to, um, `associate' in any
physical way over there, but we'll be together. And just wait 'til we get
back!"
   "Hey, awright!" Doitall said enthusiastically. "Attagirl, Hax! We can
always use fresh blood!" He immediately went for her neck.
   "Are you sure you've never been on The Munsters?" Hax asked nervously.

   "What's this I hear about you requesting a 60-year paid vacation?"
Crisco demanded as he entered Hax's quarters.
   "The forms are all filled out and signed," Hax said, handing him a data
pad. "All I need is your approval." 
   Crisco took the pad and looked it over briefly. "Oh, all right," he
sighed, carelessly mashing his thumb against the thumbprint scanner.
"Here!" He shoved the pad back at Hax.
   "Oh, come on, Benjammin'," she pleaded softly. "You know that I'm doing
the right thing in leaving the show. After all the trouble I've caused with
the single male viewers, it's the only way. I'm sure another cold fish can
be found to replace me."
   "Dang it, old maniac, I'm not sure I'd want another cold fish," Crisco
said angrily. "You may have compromised your fishy morals, but we still
need you."
   "Sorry, Ben ol' buddy. No go." Hax sighed and stared at the floor for a
few minutes.
   "Hax, I'm -"
   "You know what?" Hax said, looking up into Crisco's eyes. "Leaving DSM
is the easiest thing I've ever done. Funny, huh?"
   "Hilarious," Crisco said, somehow failing to laugh.
   "Well, with the Condominion and all..."
   "Ah, ha!" the enlightened commander said, jabbing a finger into Hax's
face. "You're just afraid that the Germ'Radar will show up and off the
station sometime soon, and you don't want to be on it when that happens.
Admit it. You're chicken!"
   "Buck-buck-buckaw," Hax said. "Now scram. I've got packing to do."
   Grumbling under his breath about no-good faithless slugs, Crisco strode
angrily out the door.

   "All right, Tearin'!" Quack said enthusiastically as he led that horny
alien personage up to a holosuite door. "The program's finished and ready
to roll!"
   "Quack, I shall reward you for this!" Tearin' said with excited
anticipation.
   He took a deep breath and walked through the holosuite door.
   And into the Land of the Gauzy Pink Curtains.
   "Oh, wow!" he breathed.
   "Hey, big boy," Kuta's voice said from somewhere ahead. "Why don't you
come over and see me sometime?"
   "Ho, boy!" Tearin' gasped, frantically ripping aside curtains and making
his way forward.
   "I've got a big surprise for you, sugar lumps," the sultry voice said.
Up ahead, the panting alien could just make out the outline of a figure
lying on a bed.
   "Eeeeyaha, baby!" he yelled, ripping aside the last curtain.
   What he saw made his heart stop.
   Lying on the pink-sheeted bed in a flimsy pink nightie was none other
than...
   Roseanne!
   "Gurk!" Tearin' gasped in horror.
   "Oh, say can you seeeee," the fat apparition screeched horribly, "my
huge bodeeeeee? For whose laaandmarks men fought, so-o gaaallantleeeee!"
   "Mommy!" Tearin' screamed, tearin' out of there at warp speed.
   "Aaaaaaagh!" he yelled all the way down the stairs and across the bar.
   "W-what's wrong?" Quack stuttered.
   "I'm going to kill you!" Tearin' screamed at the befuddled Fingerii.
"Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of
your life!" He then ran straight through several thick bulkheads, Bugs
Bunny-style.
   "Oh, what'd I do now?" Quack said, his head spinning. He didn't notice
that Kuta and Oddo were nearby, or that they were rolling on the floor with
laughter.

   "Now I know how poor old `Groans' McDecoy must have felt," Hax groaned
as Basher gave her a final check-over.
   "Doctor, are you sure that you and the chief enscrewed her molecules
correctly so that she can beam down and make the show-shift with the rest
of the planet?" Crisco asked worriedly.
   "Relax, Commahnder," Basher said, having regained enough of his
composure to revert to his tea-and-crumpets accent. "Everything's going
according to plan."
   When Basher finished his examination, he snapped his tricorder shut and
pronounced Hax fit to flake out.
   "Except for one thing," he added hastily, grabbing a nearby bottle of
perfume. "We wouldn't want you smelling bad for your grand exit, would we?"
   "I don't smell bad!" Hax protested, coughing and choking as Basher
sprayed the perfume liberally all over her body.
   "It's `Forget Me Not' perfume," Basher lied, hastily hiding the bottle
before anyone could see that it was really "Leave Me Not" perfume.
   "Thank you, Hooligan, but I doubt you would be easy to forget in any
case," Hax said contemptuously, getting up and waving her arms around to
dispel the overpowering scent.
   "Goodbye, Hax, we'll miss you," Crisco said between sneezes. "Chief, get
her beamed down before my perfume allergy causes me to sneeze myself to
death!"
   Hax got up on the transporter platform and waved a feeble good-bye
before dematerializing.
   "Well," O'Bruin said after a few moments of silence. "Whattaya say we go
watch the spectacle on the main viewscreen?"
   "Sure, Chief," Crisco said with a sigh.
   "Keep your hands near the transporter controls," Basher mumbled
mysteriously into O'Bruin's ear as he walked by.

   "Hax! Hello. I...ah-choo!" Doitall said moments later on the planet's
surface.
   "Yeah, I know," Hax giggled. "The perfume's a bit strong, but it was a
farewell gift from a devoted if doomed admirer, so try not to let it bother
you too much. Besides, I doubt it can do anyone any harm on the other side,
eh?"
   "I suppose you're right," Doitall said, sighing heavily. "Well, are you
ready?"
   "Sure."
   "Then let's go!"

   "Thar she goes!" Basher said, pointing at the shimmering planet on the
Deviant's main viewscreen.
   "We'll all miss her, Doctor," Crisco said softly.
   "Or maybe not!" O'Bruin said frantically from his console. "Look at
this! The planet's fizzling in and out. Seismic activity is way up. The
shift isn't going smoothly at all!"
   "Why in the *%$ not?" Crisco demanded.
   "I have no idea, Commander," O'Bruin said, shrugging helplessly.
   Basher just stared at the ceiling and whistled innocently.

   Down on the planet, things were even worse than they seemed. The natives
were turning ghostly and fading away, but Hax didn't budge one millispook.
   "What's wrong?" she screamed at Doitall, her hands passing right through
him.
   "I don't know!" he yelled back. His voice sounded as if it were coming
from a great distance. "I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Oh, well.
That's the way the episode crumbles. Aw riviera, Jacuzzi."
   "No!" Hax wailed as the last of the people wavered and vanished, and the
terrain started turning phantasmagoric.

   "Something's keeping the planet from shifting over properly," O'Bruin
said agitatedly, "but I have no idea what it could be!"
   "Me either," Crisco said. "How about you, Doctor?"
   "Hmmmm," Basher said, assuming a thoughtful pose. "I see...I see...
something starting with the letter H."
   "H?" said Crisco. "Uh...hogwash?"
   "Nope," said Basher.
   "Hummingbirds?" O'Bruin asked.
   "Uh-uh," Basher shook his head.
   "Halitosis?" Crisco guessed.
   "Negative, Commander."
   "Hackers?" O'Bruin ventured.
   "Close, but no cigar butt, Chief."
   "I've got it! I've got it!" Crisco shouted, jumping up and down with
joy. "Hax! What's keeping the planet from shifting properly is Hax!"
   "Yes!" Basher exclaimed happily, giving the lucky winner a cigar.
   "So your silly molecular enscrewations didn't work after all," Crisco
said, giving O'Bruin and Basher an accusing glare.
   "Guess not," O'Bruin said dejectedly.
   "I reckon you'd better beam her up," Basher yawned.
   "I reckon," O'Bruin echoed, hitting the transport button.
   Moments later, the wayward lamb was restored to the fold.

   "Waaaah. Boo-hoo," Hax cried later in her quarters.
   "Ha, ha, ha!" all the vindicated male viewers laughed. "Serves you right
big-time!"
   "Oh, boo-hoo-hoo!" Hax sobbed. "Can you ever forgive me?"
   "No way!" the single men shouted.
   "Forget it, ya slut!" the jealous women screamed.
   "Zzzzzzzz," everyone else said.
   Hax threw herself down on the floor in a fit.
   "Um, is this a bad time to visit?" Crisco asked from the doorway.
   "Of course it is, you idiot," Hax blubbered. "Go away! I just want to be
alone for awhile."
   "Oh, all right, ya pain," Crisco griped. "I just thought I'd welcome you
back to the show, and cheer you up by reminding you of all the fun people
who are in it, and all the fun situations and predicaments we get into on a
weekly basis."
   "WAAAAAH!" Hax screamed, crying twice as loud.

                                   THE END
